Don’t Be Afraid

I remember the day it all changed.

I remember the day my situation

Became worse than ever before.

I sit alone on the bus every day.

There is no one I want to bother,

No one I want to struggle

To have a normal conversation with.

Days are long and hard.

I just want to sit and think

When I’m finally set free

From the prison

Which holds me captive daily.

But sometimes, thinking isn’t good.

Sometimes, thinking makes things worse.

I’ve never told anyone the full story

Of the worst year of my life.

No one knew during it,

And no one knows now that it’s over.

I’ve always kept things inside.

I don’t like to bother people with my problems.

I’ve always been able to help myself.

This time I almost couldn’t.

I have never been more constantly unhappy

Since that year.

I would smile and laugh with my friends.

I would hold in my complaints.

There was no way for anyone to know

My world was falling apart.

I am alone when I come home,

And that day, that awful day,

I planned to take advantage of that.

On the ride home from school,

I sat by myself as usual.

That day had been particularly bad.

I don’t remember why.

All I remember is how worthless I felt.

I convinced myself I was nothing.

I knew I was weak.

I knew no one cared.

What I didn’t know

Was the real reason I was weak

Or the real reason no one cared.

I was weak for being too scared to get help.

No one cared because no one knew.

I convinced myself

The only way I could gain purpose

Would be to show strength,

And the way I decided to show strength

Was by cutting myself.

I spent the whole ride home

Planning

For what would be the worst mistake

I had ever made.

I got lucky that day.

I don’t usually believe in miracles,

But there seems to be no other explanation.

My mom got out of work early.

I couldn’t cut myself

Knowing she was in the house.

I wasn’t thinking correctly,

But I knew enough to know

I couldn’t let myself get caught.

So, I didn’t do it.

And by the time I had another chance,

I was too scared.

That day could have ended badly,

But it ended up being a blessing.

After that day,

I knew more than ever that I needed help.

I still didn’t tell anyone,

But I realized how bad I had gotten

And was able to help myself.

I know now letting my condition get that bad

Is never alright.

There are people in this world who I matter to.

I just couldn’t see it then

I know now that when things get that bad,

I need to change the way I’m living.

I need to rethink what’s important to me.

I need to realize why I’m thinking these thoughts.

I hope I’ll never let myself think like that again,

But if I do,

I know I won’t have to be scared anymore.

I can help myself now,

And I know better than to keep it to myself

If I ever really need help.