Without You

“You wanna go back?” I hear him ask as we walk down the sidewalk with no destination in particular, just walking and enjoying each other’s company.

“If you want.” I give him his choice, he’s the one that walked out first, anyways.

“I don’t care.” He replies.

“Me neither.”

“Okay well I’m lost anyways so.” Adrian looks around as if trying to recognize something but he fails. I forgot about his horrible sense of direction.

“Well good thing you got me,” I smile and put an arm over his shoulder. “No more stupid decisions.”

“Okay, I wanna kill someone.” I think it’s funny how I said no stupid decisions but he just wants to kill someone out of the blue. It’s not usually him I mean unless he has to.

“Are your demons coming?” I question him. Of course he’s his own person but I guess it would be nice to know if he just wants to kill someone for pleasure or for survival. I look over at Adrian who is staring straight ahead of us. He just nods.

“It’s fine, I can surpress it.” Adrian tells me and I watch him. He’s holding it all in even after the deep conversation we shared. I just want him to smile again, he has the best smile ever.

I hug him. “Don’t look so glum, okay?” I whisper a bit in the hug. He just nods and we keep walking as I keep hugging him. He doesn’t say anything else and I sigh. “You look so deflated I just want to hug you until the end of time.”

“Oh.” Is all he says. The only touch of his accent is in this one two lettered word. I have to decode his feelings in this two lettered word. My heart aches in this two lettered word, and I hate it.

“Come on. Have opinions, be a person, do something.” I tell him as I look at him who’s still staring forward. I want him to look at me, actually notice my presence. I want him to know I’m there for him.

“I dont know, just do whatever you want.” He tells me, and my heart aches. I wish he’d actually have an opinion. I want to talk to him, not an empty shell of who he is, but him. If I would do whatever I want, it would be for him to talk, like actually talk.

“What if I want to kill myself?” I question. This time it’s my turn to stare forward. I look deep into the abyss of nothing, but this time I can feel his gaze on me which lasts a while until he’s looking forward again.

“Why would you want to do that” He asks and his tone tells me he’s finally speaking from his heart and not his head.

“Just what if?” I smile a bit knowing that he’s finally affected, but also wanting to know his reason.

“Then I’d kill myself too.” He tells me and I look at him. He’d.. kill himself?

“Why?”

“Because you killed yourself.”

There was a pause of silence. Kind of just letting everything soak into in the atmosphere and our hearts. I didn’t think he would love me this much,or that anyone would in that matter.

“You can’t live without me?” I look at him and he nods. I smile. “Well just to let you know, I’d do the same.” I tell him and I mean it. I can’t live without Adrian. This isn’t just because I’m trying to be nice because he said he’d die for me also, I just love him a bunch, maybe even more than I think. This time Adrian looks at me, and holds his gaze.

“Really?” He questions my statement which is unchanged. “I’m not really something to be dwelled on.” The fact that he doesn’t believe that much hurts. Like heart breaking I-dont-know-if-I-can-live hurts. I nod.

“Let’s just say you have more to offer than back rubs and kisses.” I look at him. “And.. I couldn’t live without you from this point on, either.” I look at him and his face is flooding with emotions, most of them confusion and undeniable love. He hugs me really tightly and I smile then hug him back.

“I love you, Adrian.” I whisper as we’re hugging.

“I love you too.” He whispers back then kisses me. I kiss him back then pull away and keep an arm around him. He leans on me and smiles and I smile back at him.

Then we walk into nothingness.