I sigh as I walk home from school, listening to the slight crunch of the fallen autumn leaves from underneath my plaid boots as silently take in my surroundings. The usual green leafed trees are now dark yellow and orange, dancing with the strong winds blowing through my hair and clothing. I take a deep breath, relishing in the view of the nice cloudy day before it’s ruined by the storm clouds which await me at my house.

I stare at the large pond, smiling as I watch the deer take slight drinks and accompanying one another. I walk into my neighborhood, passing by multiple familiar houses before finally reaching the one slightly unkempt. I walk up the driveway to the door and open it, taking in the view. The clean warm air of the outside shifts into the polluted air of inside my house. The house is a fair size, previously slightly too small for my large family, but now too big for me and my dad.

I pick up the scattered bottles of alcohol and toss them in the recycling as I walk into my room. I sigh again as I turn the lamp on and sit on the mattress on the floor representing my bed. I take my work out of my school bag and start on it, focusing on each and every question, and checking over to make sure it’s right. My work is disrupted by the loud slam of the front door, followed by many bibulous steps. I close my book and set it aside as the door swings open, revealing my drunken dad standing smolderingly at the entrance of my room. I look up at him, embracing myself for the harsh words which await to spill out of his mouth.

“Talon!” He yells, his voice resembling the blow of an elephant. “You useless child!” My dad takes three long strides at me and smacks me across the face, followed by him picking me up and slamming me against the wall. Air escapes from my lungs from the impact of my back against the wall. I stare at his intense eyes as he breathes in my face, his breath laced with alcohol. “You got here an hour ago! Why is the laundry still not done and the kitchen isn’t swept! You barely had any responsibilities and yet you were unable to accomplish them!” He throws me back down and I watch him knock some stuff to the ground. “I swear, you should’ve died with your mother, left with the rest of them!” He then reaches into his pockets, cursing when he pulls out an empty box of cigarettes. “Shit. I’ll be back, and when I come back I want the house and this room to be spotless!” He yells as he walks out, slamming the door behind him. The slam is followed by one similar a few seconds later, indicating he left the house.

I force myself up and pick up the stuff he threw on the floor, then walk out my room to do the laundry and clean the kitchen. My dad wasn’t always like this. Before the incident with my mom and my siblings, our family was just like any other family. We would have our dinners together where we talked about our day, clean together, watched movies together, and socialize with all of our neighbors. Now it’s like my dad’s broken. He’s barely home, and whenever he is, he’s either drunk or high. At first I thought it was just a phase, but it’s been ten years and he hasn’t changed. I tried calling help for him, but he played it off like he was fine and proceeded to force feed me a bottle of hot sauce.

That’s why now I study hard to get into a great college far away from Georgia. In the beginning, I thought it’d be best to stay with my dad and help him out, but it’s clear that I’m no longer his daughter, but free labor. The problem is my dad doesn’t like me studying. He prefers to have me here cleaning his dirty bottles and dishes. If it wasn’t for our neighbors link to the government, I probably wouldn’t be able to go to school. I love my dad, but in order to save myself and my future, it seems the only thing I can do is run. I can’t take his constant beating forever.

I pick up the rest of the bottles from around the house before going back to my room to finish study. I have nobody to call nor talk to. My dad refused any form of therapy, and denied any help family was willing to give. We eventually grew apart from everyone. My dad made sure we were isolated. I haven’t heard anything from any family member in eight years, so I’m guessing my dad telling them off did the trick.

It’s come to the point where I’m sort of numb. I’m numb to all the screaming and beatings. I’m numb to the scars that are placed on my skin with every tantrum, every fight, disappointment, disagreement. I know not to buy short sleeves or make friends, what’s the use if there’s no one in the end? I’m going to have to leave them anyways, and I can’t constantly put up a face.

I walk out my room to make something to eat, my stomach pleading for attention. Opening the refrigerator and pantry, I’m greeted by nothing but cans of beer, ramen noodles, and a few stray bottles of water. I smile, it’s more than there was last time, there’s ramen noodles. My heart warms at the fact that my dad might’ve thought about me. I pull the box out of the pantry only to have my heart crushed by the empty wrappers which reside in it. I should’ve known not to get my hopes up to eating anything while in this house.

Walking out of the kitchen, I put my coat on as I walk into the chill autumn night. I follow the trail leading out of my neighborhood and into the shops as I dig through my pockets, searching for the few loose coins I found yesterday. I’m glad I saw it shining in the grass before anyone else. It did take a while to save up to $1.50, but I’m pretty sure I should have enough to buy something somewhere.

I stand in the middle of the shopping center and look around, wondering which shop would give me the greatest deals. As I settle on a shop and walk towards it, I stagger after feeling a sharp pierce on the side of my arm, and am brought to a stop by an arm on the other side of me. My heartbeat quickens as I try to walk away, but my legs no longer have any feeling as I go limp onto whoever is holding me.

I panic as the world slowly fades away into dark abyss.

The room smells sterile. I groan as a sharp piercing noise echoes throughout my head. It sounds as if I was inside a clock with the constant ticking replaced by the constant banging of a mallet. I sit up and hold my head when my brain feels as if it’s banging against the wall of my skull. Slowly, I open my eyes, but recognize nothing around me. Where am I?

Looking around, I try to find some familiar object or person, but in the end find nothing that sparks a memory. The room is light blue with dark blue tiles throughout the floor and taking up half of the walls. In the corner, there’s a clipboard hanging on a nail, and a pen hanging next to it. I’m sitting on an experimental table. There is a tray of utensils on my left, and lights, lots of them. Other than the tray and the table in the room, it’s completely empty. I jump off the table and fall to the ground, my legs no longer having any feel. Groaning, I force myself up, using my hands and the table to keep me balanced. My arms ache and the banging in my head keeps getting louder and harder. The constant throbbing causes me to fall to my knees, but I let out another groan as I force myself to my feet, the pain unbearable.

I stagger as I walk towards the door, now realizing the strange black dots coming from the corner of my eye. What is that? I walk over to the clipboard, my legs strengthening with each step. Once I finally arrive, I lean against the wall, forcing my hand up to pull the clipboard down and into my grasp. I hold the clipboard in front of my face and stare at it. The words which appear on it are incomprehensible, each weird sign different from the next. I drop the clipboard on the floor, my body having no energy to place it back on the nail sticking out of the wall. I stagger over to the door and force it open, my wrist feeling robotic. Walking out, I find myself in a seemingly never-ending hallway. Groaning, I walk back into my room, the bright lights worsening my headache. I force myself over to the tray by the table and take a random tool and place it in my pocket. I take another and walk back to the door and jab it into the lock, damaging it. That should keep it stuck for awhile. There’s a strange voice in my head, and my body follows it, not knowing the source. I lean against a wall and hold my head as another message rings throughout my brain.

They’re coming soon; run!

I don’t know how! I feel like yelling but I know my headache will worsen. I search the room for any signs of a secret pathway, but find nothing. The darkness around the corners of my eyes are expanding to cover up more of my eyesight. Suddenly I get a rush throughout my body and jerk up, walking to the wall facing the table I was previously on and punching it. The wall shatters like glass. My hand has no scratches.

On the other side of the broken wall is a city straight out of a painting. As I take in the view, I hear the door handle struggling to open. Quickly I look down, it looks as if I’m on the second floor. As the door forces itself open, every inch of my body tells me to jump, and I do.

I close my eyes knowing the effects of gravity, but slowly open my eyes when I don’t feel a crush at my feet. My hands and feet are stuck to the wall, leaving me hanging on the side of a white bricked wall. I hear yelling as the room fills up with people and I look below my feet, I’m one story down. Slowly, I remove my right hand from the wall and place it under where it was before and it stays. This is how I’ll get down. I do the same with my left hand and my feet. When I reach the bottom, I look up and see three people resembling scientists. They yell and before I have time to process what they said, I run.

An alarm goes off in the distance, but I keep running, the pain in my legs and my head no longer having any meaning. I look behind me and I realize I’m being chased by two large men, dressed in a yellow collared shirt and black pants. In their hands, they’re carrying strange guns which I’ve never seen before. One of them point their gun at me and pull the trigger. I prepare to dodge whatever bullet would come from the nozzle, but instead my head throbs more. The dots coming from the corners of my eyes take over my vision and my legs lock as I fall to the floor.

What happened to me?

Christmas is known as the time when all family comes together and enjoy a huge meal while smiling with joy. You meet family members you haven’t seen for a long time and you’re able to talk and catch up with them, see how their life is going. That’s exactly why my friends decided to meet back up with our families in Michigan this Christmas, and to spend it together. Usually I would jump at the idea, if it wasn’t for the fact that my dad hates me with a passion.

He doesn’t hate me because of my personality, but because of my preferences. His brother is a pastor and he’s extremely homophobic. Most of our lives were centered around the Bible, and about how if we ever became gay how we would kill us with his own two hands. I figured out I was gay at the age of 15, also the age I was kicked out of my house. Luckily I have an awesome twin sister who came with me, and I’m so grateful for all the friends I made. The thing is that two years ago when I was 15 was also the last time I ever saw my dad. If I remember clearly, the last thing he said to me was how he would kill me if he ever saw me again. This wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t know that they have a whole bag of pocket knives and about 3 swords in that house.

"This is where you guys get off. I’m not going in there, nope." I say as I park the car in front of my parent’s house. The last thing I want to do is go inside that house. They’re lucky that I love road trips, but I like the ride, not the destination. Especially not if this destination is death. "I’m going back to Illinois. There I won’t face my dad and everything will be fine."

"No, come on. I’ll protect you." Adrian, my boyfriend, says from the passanger seat and reaches over to kiss my cheek. "I’ll protect you." 

I shake my head and hold on to the seatbelt tighter. "Nuh uh. Staying here. You go have fun though."

"Please?" Adrian says with a slight pout. "You gotta face the things that scare you in life head on, it’ll make you stronger."

"... I’m gonna die." I look at him with a nervous expression. I’m not ready to face this fear. 

"No you aren’t, I won’t let you die." Adrian hugs me tightly and I relax a bit in his arms. It’s his continuous love that keeps me going all the time, and I’m glad that he’s in my life. I nod and sit up then place my hands on Adrian’s shoulders. 

"Yeah. You know what? Fuck him. I’m going to walk in there holding your hand and there’s nothing he can do about it." I smile at him and he smiles back.

"Yeah, but not literally though. Don’t fuck him literally."

"What ew no."

"Yeah, don’t." I laugh a bit and nod then hug him again. He kisses my cheek and hugs me back and I smile. 

"Is it rude if I ask can we go during this Jourdrian moment?" Someone, I’m guessing the odd one in the group, Sam, asks from the back of the car. I then realize that I had all the doors locked so the couldn’t get out. I pull away and look at all of them.

"Right, sorry." I unlock the car and my friends walk out in couples. Adrian gets out of the car, and I get out last. I walk around the car and look at Adrian, he walks over and takes my hand in his and smiles. I smile back at him and nod then look at the house. I can do this. I look at the door to find everyone is waiting. I’m guessing this is the right time to explain the couples in this friend group.

In front of the door, there’s Samka. Roseka and Sam. They’re the odd couple. Kind of like those people who are so weird they’re made for each other, but at the same time might try to take over the world. They’re in the front of the door because they rushed, not because they’re the best.

After Samka, there’s Joson. My twin sister, Jojo, and her boyfriend Person. He has a weird name, but I guess you’re stuck with what you’re born with. They’re the cute couple. They do all those adorable things together that make you wanna watch but vomit at the same time. They’re the type of couple to make single people feel so lonely and jealous, and couples feel like they’re not good enough. They’re the definition of couple goals.

After that, it’s us, Jourdrian. Me, Jourdin, and my boyfriend Adrian. I’m not even going to try to hide it, we’re the inappropriate couple. We’re usually caugut throwing inappropriate jokes and doing things that not many people would want to see. The type of couple that you shouldn’t leave in a room by themselves. Also I’m just a hopeless romantic, and would be found doing crazy over the top things for Adrian. The type of funny couple you go to when you get sick of the cuteness of Joson.

That’s our whole friend group, and we all live together in this house in Illinois. That’s also the order that we enter our childhood home.

"Shit we’re getting left behind!" Adrian says as he pulls me inside. I stop after entering and look around. The house hasn’t changed that much, and all the parents are already here. I look at Adrian and he looks sort of lost in thought. I walk over to a corner and sit on a chair, kind of hoping to not be seen. Adrian just follows me cluelessly, but he mumbling something about burning the house down, so I’m guessing he’s making a backup plan. 

I look over and watch as Jojo speaks to a woman who I’m guessing is Person’s mom. It looks like she’s outsmarting her by the look on their faces. I’m not going to complain thiugh, because judging by Person’s childhood, that woman has no right to be called a mother. 

The greetings pass by pretty smoothly. I met back up with my mother and we talked and I introduced Adrian to her. I can tell she’s against me being gay, but is trying her best to still be there for me. I haven’t met Adrian’s parents yet, but at the same time I haven’t seen my dad. Adrian left to find his parents and I’m left in my hiding place alone.

I don’t really want to stay here by myself, and I also need to use the bathroom. I’m pretty sure the nearest bathroom is upstairs, and that my dad probably wouldn’t be up there, so I get up and go to the bathroom. Hopefully Adrian doesn’t think I ran away or something. I quickly use the bathroom, and when I walk out, Roseka is there. 

"Oh thank goodness. Jourdin! Adrian has been looking for your everywhere! He’s really hurt and won’t let anyone see, you have to come!" Roseka says with a worried look on her face. She takes my arm and pulls me as she walks down the stairs. I follow her with worry for Adrian, what happened?

"What happened to Adrian?" I ask as she pulls me down the stairs. Halfway through the stairs, I stop when I see what’s down there. Adrian isn’t hurt, but Sam is down there talking to my dad. Roseka and Sam, oh shoot this is a setup. I try to turn back and go upstairs but Roseka has a pretty firm grip on me and pulls me down.

My dad looks at me and he looks mad. "Oh no no no, someone get me a knife." He says when he sees me and I look around, searching desperately for an escape. Sam hands him a knife and that’s when I realize that this wasn’t a set up for me to confront my dad, but because Samka wanted something to watch. "I told you not to come back so what are you doing here?!" He yells and I back up.

"I- I’m sorry!" I stutter. I knew I shouldn’t have came, this whole thing wouldn’t have happened if I just stayed in Illinois. "I know I shouldn’t have came, but mom invited me and-"

"No! Scraw your mother, I told you never to come back!" My dad cuts me off and glares. "I brought you into this world, and I’m not afraid to take you out!" I can feel the tears rolling down my face, I’m trying to stay strong but I just can’t. I feel like I’m failing Adrian. 

"But... Dad..." I try to muster up something, but he cuts me off again.

"I am not your father, I did not raise you like this!" He yells and comes closer and I try to back up, but I crash into a box and almost fall.

"I-"

"Get out! I dont want to see you again!" I stand there and watch him, with tears in my eyes, I don’t know what to do. My dad brings up the knife and cut my side. I groan and hold it. "Go!" He yells. "Go visit a church!" 

"Okay I’m leaving I’M SORRY!" I yell as I run out the house. As I’m running I see Adrian coming out of a room, I’m guessing he didn’t see any of what just happened. I run some distance then sit in front of the tree that’s in front of the house. I can hear Adrian yelling, it’s clear to make out his british accent. I didn’t want Adrian to get in this mess, I didn’t want my dad to know that he’s my boyfriend, I don’t want for my dad to cut him too, I don’t want for him to have restrictions in the house like I do. I just want to kiss Adrian, meet his parents. That’s all I really wanted. 

After awhile the yelling stops and I’m guessing Jojo calmed him down. She’s his best friend so it’s good to have her here for this type of stuff. I feel like I let him down, this is definitely all my fault. After awhile, Adrian runs up to me and hugs me.

"Jourdin, aw shit I’m so sorry." He says as he hugs and comforts me. I’m trying to control my tears and I look at him. Why is he apologizing, this is all my fault.

"I’m sorry I didn’t stick up to him, and that I wasnt bold enough. I suck, I’m so so sorry." The tears keep coming and I feel so bad.

"No, you don’t suck. Your dad is just rude and stuff." Adrian says as he hugs me tighter. "I accidentally called him a jackass though, and told him to go fuck himself."

I wipe my face with my sleeve and laugh a bit. "Thanks."

"Cheer up. Don’t let some narrow-minded dude make you cry."

"He’s my dad though, Adrian. And he fucking hates me." My dad also hates when people use swear words, but it came to that point where I can’t help myself. It doesn’t matter now, anyways.

"Well... I mean sometimes in life you can’t fix things. Yeah, it sucks, but at least you have people who care about you. Maybe one day your dad will care about you once he sees how great you are, and if not then it’s okay. You have me and Jojo and the rest of them that don’t really matter." 

I smile a bit and look at him. "Thanks. And sorry about... The blood."

"I don’t care." Adrian kisses me on the lips and I kiss him back. He pulls away after a bit and smiles at me and I smile back. "Okay, but seriously. You should fix your side. Don’t pass out due to blood loss."

"Oh Yeah." I look at my side, my shirt is covered in blood and cut. I take off my shirt and rip it then tie it around my torso. Tight so it can stop the blood flow. I look over at Adrian and his eyes are widened and he’s watching me, a bit stunned. I watch him and laugh a bit which brings him back to reality. He looks around.

"Oh uh. Do you want your jacket back?" Adrian asks as he gets ready to take the jacket I gave him in the car back to me. He looks really cute though and I’m sure I’ll be fine. 

"No, you keep it." I smile at him and he nods. He didn’t even try to give it to me again, so he’s obviously very cold. I lean on him and he hugs me, giving me warmth. 

My dad may not like it, but I like boys and love Adrian. And I love it.

A part of me wonders, why does life matter? There's plenty of other people in this world, so what does one life have to do with anything?

Truth is, life doesn't matter. We are all going to eventually fade away while the universe itself continues for infinity.

Either way, I'm a special being, I can never be replaced. There will never be anyone else in this world who can think like I do, talk like I do, and act as I do, I'm special.

As a child, I was always taught that I was brought into this world for a reason. It seemed fishy to me, especially since I have to discover this reason all on my own.

Now, as a teen, I still question, "Why does my life matter?"

My life matters because I am the author and designer of my faith.

And I choose to matter.

“You wanna go back?” I hear him ask as we walk down the sidewalk with no destination in particular, just walking and enjoying each other’s company.

“If you want.” I give him his choice, he’s the one that walked out first, anyways.

“I don’t care.” He replies.

“Me neither.”

“Okay well I’m lost anyways so.” Adrian looks around as if trying to recognize something but he fails. I forgot about his horrible sense of direction.

“Well good thing you got me,” I smile and put an arm over his shoulder. “No more stupid decisions.”

“Okay, I wanna kill someone.” I think it’s funny how I said no stupid decisions but he just wants to kill someone out of the blue. It’s not usually him I mean unless he has to.

“Are your demons coming?” I question him. Of course he’s his own person but I guess it would be nice to know if he just wants to kill someone for pleasure or for survival. I look over at Adrian who is staring straight ahead of us. He just nods.

“It’s fine, I can surpress it.” Adrian tells me and I watch him. He’s holding it all in even after the deep conversation we shared. I just want him to smile again, he has the best smile ever.

I hug him. “Don’t look so glum, okay?” I whisper a bit in the hug. He just nods and we keep walking as I keep hugging him. He doesn’t say anything else and I sigh. “You look so deflated I just want to hug you until the end of time.”

“Oh.” Is all he says. The only touch of his accent is in this one two lettered word. I have to decode his feelings in this two lettered word. My heart aches in this two lettered word, and I hate it.

“Come on. Have opinions, be a person, do something.” I tell him as I look at him who’s still staring forward. I want him to look at me, actually notice my presence. I want him to know I’m there for him.

“I dont know, just do whatever you want.” He tells me, and my heart aches. I wish he’d actually have an opinion. I want to talk to him, not an empty shell of who he is, but him. If I would do whatever I want, it would be for him to talk, like actually talk.

“What if I want to kill myself?” I question. This time it’s my turn to stare forward. I look deep into the abyss of nothing, but this time I can feel his gaze on me which lasts a while until he’s looking forward again.

“Why would you want to do that” He asks and his tone tells me he’s finally speaking from his heart and not his head.

“Just what if?” I smile a bit knowing that he’s finally affected, but also wanting to know his reason.

“Then I’d kill myself too.” He tells me and I look at him. He’d.. kill himself?

“Why?”

“Because you killed yourself.”

There was a pause of silence. Kind of just letting everything soak into in the atmosphere and our hearts. I didn’t think he would love me this much,or that anyone would in that matter.

“You can’t live without me?” I look at him and he nods. I smile. “Well just to let you know, I’d do the same.” I tell him and I mean it. I can’t live without Adrian. This isn’t just because I’m trying to be nice because he said he’d die for me also, I just love him a bunch, maybe even more than I think. This time Adrian looks at me, and holds his gaze.

“Really?” He questions my statement which is unchanged. “I’m not really something to be dwelled on.” The fact that he doesn’t believe that much hurts. Like heart breaking I-dont-know-if-I-can-live hurts. I nod.

“Let’s just say you have more to offer than back rubs and kisses.” I look at him. “And.. I couldn’t live without you from this point on, either.” I look at him and his face is flooding with emotions, most of them confusion and undeniable love. He hugs me really tightly and I smile then hug him back.

“I love you, Adrian.” I whisper as we’re hugging.

“I love you too.” He whispers back then kisses me. I kiss him back then pull away and keep an arm around him. He leans on me and smiles and I smile back at him.

Then we walk into nothingness.

I lay on my bed and realize, I am completely alone.

I turn off Snapchat after seeing my ex best friend and other people and realize: I have no friends who care enough to check up on me or invite me to anything.

I turn in my bed to the other side. My siblings haven’t seen me all day and it’s 10 pm, not one of them came to see if I was kidnapped. Nor did my parents.

As I get up and as the blood is rushing through my body from my head giving me a headache, I think before I leave my room. If my dad is in there I will have to do the dishes for the 4th time in a row.

I lay back on my bed and scroll through my text messages, the most recent ones from my family. Wow not even my friends who I hope are my friends talk to me. I open my best friend’s and my chat. Last talked was over a month ago.

I see my messages which were piling up but no replies. I sure wonder how it is having friends who respond.

I turn in my bed and think over my life. I thought about all the times I trusted people and got stabbed in the back, or the times I tried to get friends, but I’m not a worthy friend. They always run to something new. Someone new. Maybe this is why I like being by myself. The only person I need to trust is myself.

I watch him sit in the snow, he’s just sitting there. He’s not doing anything it’s as if he doesn’t realize he can turn into a snowman. I pick up a snowball and throw it at his back then quickly turn away as if it wasn’t me. I start whistling nonchalantly because that’s what people do when they want to cover stuff up, right?

I hear the snow shift so I’m guessing he jumped up. If I continue whistling in this corner, maybe he won’t-

“Jourdin.” I hear his thick british accent call my name and I turn around and look at him as if I have no idea what he’s on about, but he’s looking at me suspiciously.

“Hmm?” I reply, keeping up my innocent act. It could’ve been.. the.. trees that are all around us, or maybe a kid passing by.

“Did you throw a snowball at me?” He questions and I stare. How am I a suspect? Did he not hear the totally nonchalant and innocent whistle?

“No.” I reply. I gotta keep my guards up, who knows what he could plan next?

“Okay.” He replies and smiles at me. He gets up and hugs me and I hug him back hesitantly. What trick is this? This is a trick right? What’s happening?

In the middle of my thought, all I feel is coldness. All over my torso. I freeze. Adrian kisses my forehead but I stay frozen. Did he just.. shove snow up my shirt?

Adrian walks away and I come to my senses and start jumping to get the snow out of my shirt. So cold, it’s so cold, my poor skin. Adrian starts laughing but I keep trying to get the freezing cold conductor of frozeness out of my shirt. I lift up my shirt to try to get the remaining snow out of my shirt to my best abilities. Adrian’s laugh dies out a bit and I put my shirt down and look at him who was already staring at me. He coughs a bit and looks away and I watch him. I think he’s trying to play it off but he’s blushing and it’s adorable. I smile a bit but I do remember we’re at war so I take this chance to bombard him with snow. He groans and falls in the snow which causes him to get covered in more snow and I laugh.

Adrian gets up out of the snow and he’s covered in snow from hair to toe. His hair and face is covered in snow and he spits some melted snow out and groans. I keep laughing.

“Oh my gosh..” I say in between laughs. “Are you okay?” I continue laughing like the great person I am.

“Haha. Very Funny.” He says. He rolls his eyes and wipes the snow off of his face. I stop laughing a bit but it’s still a lot of laughing. Adrian looks at me and nods a bit then walks away. I look at him and stop laughing. Where is he going.

A slight chuckle escapes me but I back up a bit not ready for the wrath that he is planning for me. “Uhh.. Where are you going?”

He doesn’t answer me and just jumps the fence and disappears. I watch the fence and walk over to it. ”... Adrian?”

I hear a scream that sounds like bloody murder. Bloody british murder? It sounds like Adrian, I freeze. Then out of nowhere I turn into a freakin gold medal Olympic Gymnast. I start jumping and running towards where his scream came from. “ADRIAN?” I yell still running.

“OH MY GOD. OW, FUCK. BLOODY HELL!” I hear Adrian scream from a distance and I run faster. I think I almost reach him before I step on a trap and fall in a hole and land in a pit of snow.

I look around and up and Adrian is there looking down at me while laughing. I cross my arms. “Not funny I thought you were hurt.” I pout. This breaks my heart.

“Revenge though.” He replies and I keep pouting. He jumps into the hole and lands next to me and smiles up at me. “Okay, okay stop. You’re adorable.” I continue pouting to prove my point and he gets up and hugs me and kisses me, I stop pouting to kiss him back and he pulls away. “Am I a good actor though?” He questions and I nod.

“Yeah, I was getting ready to fight.” I say and think a bit. “Possibly die, but fight.” If something could take Adrian down, unless I have the element of surprise, it would probably take me down also. But I like to be optimistic so maybe not.

“Aww” he coos and hugs me a bit tighter. “Don’t die, that would lead to bad things but aww.”

“Ill try not to.” I smile. “But you better not either, or worse things.” I reply and he nods. He leans on me and we smile at each other. And I could live in this moment forever...

I don't know why I like the brown haired clumsy girl. But she's always on my mind.

I gotta admit. When I first met her, I wasn't the nicest. That's probably why I invited her to my party. It was kind of a short notice, but I just wanted to see her again.

When I saved her from getting ran over the street I hope it made up for my rudeness when she actually did accidentally bump into me. Not just fake like the rest of the girls. Then when I saw her up close, I could see that she was filled with sadness and that there was something that she was holding on to.

For some reason I wanted to make that go away. I wanted to make her smile and laugh even if she won't tell me her name.

Call it weird- but she's different. I just wanna know how. I want to know everything about her, her friends, her family, and her life. I want to know the secrets that she's holding onto and the dark pasts. I know I have my own, and I don't want people to know about it.

Maybe that's like hers. Maybe she's an open book and I'm too blind to see it. I bet that guy she was sitting with at Cinnabon knows. I wonder if that's her boyfriend.

She's clouding up my mind, I want to know everything about the brown haired clumsy girl.

And I don't know why.

Ever felt like something is missing in life? Like you can't breathe unless you find that something. And the thing is that, you know you're the only one who can find it, no matter how much help you get.

Have you ever felt like in your everyday life you're suffocating but holding on to that last sip of air that is sometimes struggling to achieve.

Ever wanted to end the suffering of the suffocating?

Ever just ran to your room and thought everyday thoughts? Thought about your crushes, your mistakes, your fears, and your accomplishments.

How about if you just end your life? Finish off all the suffering.

I sit up on my bed and look around. I have the abilities to do so. I got up ans walked over to my window, being on the 3rd floor could be fatal, just land correctly. I stared out the window and saw my mom leaned against her car just deep in thought. I got up and ran down to her.

I look at how she bought a bunch of stuff and decided to take some in. I took a bag and smile at my mom when she looks at me confused.

But then again, aren't we all wanting to be someone else, in our own way?

Maybe life is worth living a bit.