How to forgive your parents (or anyone)
Everyone makes mistakes. Including your parents. However, we might find it harder to forgive our parents than the others because deep down we expect them to always do the right thing and be nurturing as caretakers. Sadly, that just not how parenting goes.
In fact, when we are learning to grow up, our parents are learning too. No matter how many times you have been a parent, there are always new challenges. It is because everyone is unique, and we face different situations for every damn second. Some days we feel happy, but some days we don’t, and when you are living with some annoying kids (by that I mean all kids are fucking annoying), you might find yourself can’t stop yelling or at least mentally smashing the house.
This happens more likely when you are an emotional person like my mum.
My mother never controls her mouth. When I was in grade three, one day she told me to look in the mirror. So I did. Then she started speaking, ‘Look at your face.’, I stared at myself. ‘Look at your face and see how ugly you are. You look just like a skull.’
In case you want to know, her tone was completely calm and serious as if a teacher is giving her lesson. My aunt was right there and she stopped her. I kept staring at myself and went speechless.
Years later I notice that she had an argument with someone earlier that day. In other words, she was just finding someone (me) to project and divert her anger. It was somehow involuntary. But still, it hurts.
I took almost a decade to cope with that 20 seconds. After her words, I spend years to deal with the insecurities of my looks. No matter how many clothes I brought, what make-up I put on, it seems that I am just not pretty enough. Even when someone was interested in me (and I shared the same feeling) I just feel like I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve love.
Two years ago I brought this up to her again, and guess what? She completely forgot about it. It was because for her those twenty seconds never matter. For her, it’s just another moment when she was just too angry and wasn’t using her brain. (Well, this often, I mean ALWAYS occurs to her.) And that’s it. Words that affected almost my whole life was actually meaningless.
We are all self-oriented. We wish others to understand ourselves and care about us. Because we should be heard. Because what we think matters to OURSELVES. Because we are unique (but who isn’t?). It is quite hurtful to realise that in fact, no one needs to give a fuck about what we think. (Unless products that want OUR money.)
Words like ‘inconsiderate’, ‘selfish’ are used to accuse people who ignore our feelings. But if you think deeper, it is possible to consider EVERY ONE ON EARTH when one’s making a decision. No. Every time we do something somebody could be offended. When you take a bus to work, you are making a taxi drivers’ life harder. Someone lost their offers when you have taken something. People could complain no matter what you do (even you died your family and friends lose their companion!) Just because someone does not care what you think, it doesn’t mean they are inconsiderate. It just means that they concern about other things more. In others words, they don’t give a fuck about you. And when we are angry, we don’t give a fuck about ANYONE besides ourselves.
Everyone is fucking each other. We are a victim and at the same time an offender. Like it or not, this is what happens when people live together. Everyone has their own concerns and mess to deal with, no one is responsible to make you feel good no matter how close you two are. We always deal with our own mind first. It is hard to not feel frustrated or aggressive when things messed up. We all experience this, isn’t it? It is not that unreasonable.
So next time when someone offends you, do remember that no one is innocent. Perhaps when you know their experiences, you would find yourself somehow related to them (or you can imagine a pathetic experience for them). Most importantly, when we are having an emotional breakdown, most of us say words that sound mean but actually means nothing. Try not to take it seriously. But if you still feel offended, it does not hurt if you have a small evil imagination of revenge. Yet once you talk or fight back, it means war.
‘Think before you speak’ is easier talked than done. Moreover, we could not control the mouths of others but only how we chose to interpret and deal with them. The way we chose to interpret everything determines our life.
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