The Secret Walk with Grief

I have a secret. I do not often speak of it because it makes people uncomfortable. I walk around like normal because in all honesty it is just easier to do so for everyone’s sake.

Even though it is something I secretly deal with each and every day, it follows me everywhere I go, like a dark cloud hovering over me. I am part of the dead mom’s club, a club I never wished to join. The truth is, when you lose someone close to you, after everyone says their condolences they expect you to go back to living your normal life and with time they all just forget. But you never forget, it is with you every single day and sometimes random things set you off and remind you. Sometimes you are reminded in very harsh ways and sometimes at very inconvienant public places where you have to pretend to be okay because crying in public makes other uncomfortable.

Society expects the bereaved to get over it because “time heals all”. What actually occurs with time is that you learn to keep your grief a secret, silent, separate life. You learn to not bring it up because people do not like talking about sad things. You learn to dismiss the feelings because you do not want to be pitied nor do you want to be the person who others feel the need to tiptoe around. All because of a lie that Society tell you. The truth is Society needs to accept that the notion of time heals all is BS.

I’ll let you in in a little secret if you have been fortunate to not suffer great loss at a young age. The honest to God truth is it sucks. While others your age are dealing with the heartbreak of a breakup or losing some distant grandparent (both types of losses which hurt, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to take away from the pain associated with those losses) they can never identify with your loss.

Grief consumes you if you allow it. Each day you have to find a fine balance between dealing with it (because deal with it you must) and living your life in spite of the pain you now carry with you. You do the best you can and take it a day at a time. You celebrate that you got out of bed and made it through a painful day. You allow yourself to stay in bed on days when it is all too much all the while telling everyone you are okay. You also know that by dealing with it, you take away the power of your grief and avoid the dark feelings and pain in your core turning into some type of illness.

Grief is an interesting and terribly painful thing that takes the wind out of you some days and won’t allow you to get out of bed other days but it shouldn’t be a secret we are forced to keep. Those mourning a great loss have already gone through enough and should not be forced have to carry the weight of a secret on top of it all.