After my mother passed, comforting words came from the most unexpected source, my four year old nephew (a child who has not been raised in church and who had not really been explained Heaven).

Jake sighed and smiled from his car seat on the ride home after we left the funeral home and said "Grandma is in Heaven now with the Angels in a special house."

We asked how he knew and he responded that he could see her there and she was in a good place so we didn't need to worry because she didn't have her old body and was no longer in pain, instead she had wings and an Angel body.

The first time he said this we weren't sure what to think. We wondered how he knew about Heaven and if maybe there was truth in what he was seeing or perhaps it was a dream he was confusing with reality.

Since then Jake brought it up on another occasion or two.

One of the conversations that stood out most went as follows:

Jake: "I can see Grandma. She always watches over me. She will come back as a baby but by that time I will be an Angel again."

When asked he knew this and he said he just did. He then went on to explain that God tells us when it is time to come down while we are in Heaven. He takes us to a special circle where he says it's time again to take the "leap of faith" and that we have to trust him to come back down, but some angels never come back down. He said he remembered Heaven and that he KNOWS (the conviction in his voice as he explained this was astounding) his Grandma will be back but for now she is his Angel.

We aren't sure where this is all coming from but we are grateful to find some comfort in a time and world where there are more questions than answers as to what comes next and whether our beloved mother is in a better place now (a term often thrown at us).

I have a secret. I do not often speak of it because it makes people uncomfortable. I walk around like normal because in all honesty it is just easier to do so for everyone’s sake.

Even though it is something I secretly deal with each and every day, it follows me everywhere I go, like a dark cloud hovering over me. I am part of the dead mom’s club, a club I never wished to join. The truth is, when you lose someone close to you, after everyone says their condolences they expect you to go back to living your normal life and with time they all just forget. But you never forget, it is with you every single day and sometimes random things set you off and remind you. Sometimes you are reminded in very harsh ways and sometimes at very inconvienant public places where you have to pretend to be okay because crying in public makes other uncomfortable.

Society expects the bereaved to get over it because “time heals all”. What actually occurs with time is that you learn to keep your grief a secret, silent, separate life. You learn to not bring it up because people do not like talking about sad things. You learn to dismiss the feelings because you do not want to be pitied nor do you want to be the person who others feel the need to tiptoe around. All because of a lie that Society tell you. The truth is Society needs to accept that the notion of time heals all is BS.

I’ll let you in in a little secret if you have been fortunate to not suffer great loss at a young age. The honest to God truth is it sucks. While others your age are dealing with the heartbreak of a breakup or losing some distant grandparent (both types of losses which hurt, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to take away from the pain associated with those losses) they can never identify with your loss.

Grief consumes you if you allow it. Each day you have to find a fine balance between dealing with it (because deal with it you must) and living your life in spite of the pain you now carry with you. You do the best you can and take it a day at a time. You celebrate that you got out of bed and made it through a painful day. You allow yourself to stay in bed on days when it is all too much all the while telling everyone you are okay. You also know that by dealing with it, you take away the power of your grief and avoid the dark feelings and pain in your core turning into some type of illness.

Grief is an interesting and terribly painful thing that takes the wind out of you some days and won’t allow you to get out of bed other days but it shouldn’t be a secret we are forced to keep. Those mourning a great loss have already gone through enough and should not be forced have to carry the weight of a secret on top of it all.

If only you could see yourself as the world sees you then maybe you would understand just how amazing you truly are.

Maybe then you could see how you inspire people and motivate them.

You have so much to offer the world.

Your existence is meaningful and deliberate.

Your perspective is unique and when you speak it is always so phenomenal it moves those around you.

You are worthy of all the admiration.

Sadly, everyone sees it but you.

You are way too hard on yourself and are blinded by imperfections and shortcomings instead of focusing on your successes, strengths, and magnificent qualities, all of which make you so incredibly special.

I’ve never met anyone quite like you and I never will again.

I am truly sorry if once upon a time someone told you otherwise or if someone hurt you that now you are unable to see your magnificience and how the stars shine for you.

You see, it does not matter if the whole world sees your value and praises you, if you feel unworthy.

My wish for you, along with all the success in the world (I have no doubt that you will do great things with all of your talent), is that one day you accept and love yourself because not to do so would be a tragedy.