Vulnerability and Trust

You saw me, you saw everything. The way you looked at me made me feel vulnerable. Way too vulnerable....and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how much I trusted you. One look and I felt like I could tell you anything. You were becoming a part of my everyday life and I hated it. I hated how your presence made me feel like I needed you. It confused me...how I could want someone so much, and not want them at the same time. It gave me mixed emotions. Emotions I never experienced before. So, I did the only thing I was good at. I cut you off, like I’ve done to others multiple times before. Except this time it felt like I wasn’t just hurting you, I was hurting myself. I was missing something and I wanted it back, but I also didn’t. I didn’t want anything to do with you and I swore to myself I hated you, and you hated me. That’s how that summer went. When I saw you again you looked different, not just physically, you looked like you didn’t give a damn about anything and maybe you didn’t, but I wanted you to care...I wanted you to care about me. We ignored each other for a while, but I always looked at you from across the room when you weren’t looking. When we started talking again it felt weird. It wasn’t the same. There was a space between us now. A huge space. I was the ocean, in all its chaos and destruction and you were the sky, in all its beauty and perfection. Just like the sky, you were now out of my reach, but all I wanted was to claw my way up to you even if it meant I’d destroy you. But there was a couple of times when it felt like nothing changed. Like at the pep rally...everyone was dancing and I somehow ended up in the crowd of people. Everybody was pushing and shoving and dancing and I was just trying to get to the other side. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around, and there you were...smiling that stupid grin of yours. I smiled back and in that moment everything was perfect. It’s kind of funny actually because I don’t think I’ve ever stopped liking you. I just can’t have you...How can you be in a relationship with someone and be scared of vulnerability and trust?

I think the answer is pretty simple, you can’t.