I see it in your eyes. The love and admiration. Everything you feel for me, I know with one look. You look at me like I’m everything….. I see you clinging on to me and I know you don’t want to lose me. I see that look and I feel guilty. Guilty because I know one day you will lose me. Guilty because I don’t feel the same. Guilty because you’re perfect and I know I’ll break your heart. Guilty because that look you have will disappear, and you’ll be broken for a while.

And it will all be my fault.

Your eyes are kind, bright, and lively. They are dark brown like a ship on the deep blue waves of the ocean. Your eyes make you seem inviting and warm, like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter day, like you’ve been waiting for me. You’re perfect. Perfect until he comes around. When he’s around your eyes aren’t as kind as they should be. The dark brown ship I saw on the ocean is still there, it’s just the ocean is raging now. The skies are dark and stormy and your ship is just riding along the abrasive waves. Your eyes tell me the jealousy is taking over. It leaves me wondering what happens when the jealousy has taken full control? It isn’t long before I get my answer. You become deceiving…..you do everything in your power to ruin what I’ve built with him, and it almost works...almost. I don’t blame you though, we’re humans. Humans lie and decieve to get what they want, but your actions astound me. They leave me confused. Everytime you get jealous and I look into your eyes; It’s like I’m stuck in the raging ocean waters, confused and drowning. Sometimes I wonder if jealousy and confusion can ever be friends? But I already know the answer. The real question here is do you?

People often mistake my kindness for weakness, and maybe it is a weakness. No matter how many times someone has screwed me over, I always give them another chance. Another bullet. You shot me multiple times already, I’m just wondering when you’ll start aiming for my heart.

Regrets...I have plenty of those. But my biggest one yet was with you. You were different, mysterious, slightly mischievous, and mixed with a little sin. And me? Well I was innocent, innocent and curious, and a little too nice. It doesn’t take much to predict what happens next because we all know what happens when innocence and sin are mixed. Sin always overpowers innocence, and kindness always gets taken advantage of. I should have known better. You were a mistake...a regret, and you always will be.

Sometimes I wonder how many times I run through your mind. Once, twice, maybe you don’t think of me at all. I used to believe you when you told me you loved me, but all you really did was ruin love for me. Now when people tell me they love me, I don’t think much of it. Why should I, when the person I loved most, doesn’t love me at all.

You saw me, you saw everything. The way you looked at me made me feel vulnerable. Way too vulnerable....and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how much I trusted you. One look and I felt like I could tell you anything. You were becoming a part of my everyday life and I hated it. I hated how your presence made me feel like I needed you. It confused me...how I could want someone so much, and not want them at the same time. It gave me mixed emotions. Emotions I never experienced before. So, I did the only thing I was good at. I cut you off, like I’ve done to others multiple times before. Except this time it felt like I wasn’t just hurting you, I was hurting myself. I was missing something and I wanted it back, but I also didn’t. I didn’t want anything to do with you and I swore to myself I hated you, and you hated me. That’s how that summer went. When I saw you again you looked different, not just physically, you looked like you didn’t give a damn about anything and maybe you didn’t, but I wanted you to care...I wanted you to care about me. We ignored each other for a while, but I always looked at you from across the room when you weren’t looking. When we started talking again it felt weird. It wasn’t the same. There was a space between us now. A huge space. I was the ocean, in all its chaos and destruction and you were the sky, in all its beauty and perfection. Just like the sky, you were now out of my reach, but all I wanted was to claw my way up to you even if it meant I’d destroy you. But there was a couple of times when it felt like nothing changed. Like at the pep rally...everyone was dancing and I somehow ended up in the crowd of people. Everybody was pushing and shoving and dancing and I was just trying to get to the other side. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around, and there you were...smiling that stupid grin of yours. I smiled back and in that moment everything was perfect. It’s kind of funny actually because I don’t think I’ve ever stopped liking you. I just can’t have you...How can you be in a relationship with someone and be scared of vulnerability and trust?

I think the answer is pretty simple, you can’t.