How Anger Has Changed Me

The different ways I've felt anger have evolved throughout my life. As a child, when I felt anger, I reacted immediately. I would scream, trash my room, throw things, and so on. I reacted so fast, I don't remember physical feelings.

As a preteen, I still reacted quickly. One time my brother made me so mad, I punched him in the mouth and then ran for my life. I could feel the anger in my face. It felt tight, stone-like.

When I was 19, my other brother violated me, and everyone laughed. I screamed for him to get off me. I ended up punching him as hard as I could at his sides. He finally got off and sustained bruised kidneys. He went to sit at the table and laughed it all off. I stood there, staring at him. My face felt so hot. My eyes squinted, and I threw mental daggers at him. My jaw was clenched. My right hand was in a fist, my nails digging into my skin. My fist began to sweat and shake. I clenched it so hard, my knuckles turned white. I wanted to knock his block off so bad. I didn't because I didn't want to be arrested for assault. So instead, I ran out of the house, and took off for a couple hours. I went to a little diner, and ordered a salad. I was still fuming and gave a $5 tip for a $4.99 salad.

Now, at age 39, I process anger differently. I've become a hard person to anger. I'm fairly patient. But my most recent experience came when I saw a documentary about a young man who was suicidal. His girlfriend encouraged him to end his life. He went to go do it. Set up his vehicle with a hose from the tail pipe to the window. The truck was running. He got out, having second thoughts. His girlfriend yelled at him, saying, "Get back in!"

That not only angered me, it infuriated me! All at one time, I felt anger, fury, disgust, hatred, and horror. I had never been so angry with someone I had never met. So, when the shock wore off, I chewed on my anger for a while. I need to know why it made me angry, and how can I remedy it.

My face still turns to stone. My ears get flaming red when I'm really angry. I can feel the blood pulsing through them. I purse my lips so tightly, it's hard to tell I even have lips. My eyes squint and dart back and forth as if I'm looking for an answer somewhere in front of me.

But I don't react or lash out anymore. In some cases, I'll smile to the one who angered me and just say, "Ok." And then I'll walk away with that smile on my face. Believe it or not, doing that diminishes the physical symptoms of anger.

I've learned that most people that anger me are not worth getting angry at in the first place. A lot of people thrive in drama. Not me. I might voice my opinion, but I won't yell. I won't scream. I won't get violent. I try to live by the quote: "Kill them with kindness." It counfuses people so much. It's hilarious, and it works!