Addiction
It's been said addiction is cunning, baffling.
Tight nerves, anxiety over the next use. Frustration and a host of emotions your body goes through while coming down from the high. Crying, yelling, increased awareness sometimes accompanyed by hallucinations and paranoia. I watch my daughter in turmoil....bugged out eyes that dart back and forth all over the place. Calling around asking for fronts of more dope, cussing people out who won't comply with her wishes. Scraping her pipe bowl with whatever fits the tubing to get residual dope out the pipe to smoke. Then watching her pick at herself, stating flies are flying out of her ears, a snake is in her butt (so she thinks), constantly saying she smells when you smell nothing on her. I try to tell her it's the drugs and she yells asking "Don't you see it?!", in reference to bugs coming out of her eyes and ears (but nothing is there). A bump in her ear she swears is an infestation, so she continuosly picks at it. You let her know it could be infected but it falls on deaf ears as there is no convincing her that what she thinks is NOT happening. Looking at her and seeing the beautiful, young lady she once looked like, to now being someone whose eyes are protruding from her sockets, scars all over her face, neck and ears, let's not talk about the scarring on her legs, 100 plus pounds lighter than she's been all her life before Mr. Meth got a hold of her. Yellowing teeth, damaged hair to the point she went bald because there was no saving it. She's 25 and is working on looking like mid 30's, some people she has introduced me to have said I look younger than her - that's never good. Knowing she can get help, but her constant answer is "I don't understand what she goes through daily and she NEEDS to be high". I let her know her body pain is caused by the drugs as it affects nerves, hence the feeling that your nerve endings are jumpy and you're not able to sit still. She gets lost on her phone stating "someone is on my phone", as if she is constantly being hacked. If you're on your phone in her presence she blames you for being the hacker, locks herself out of her accounts and blames this unknown person, I'm like who are you that someone needs to hack every phone you get? But again, there is no reasoning, I don't understand is all she replies to me with. Funny part is when you talk to her when she is in her right mind she knows and can tell the difference, but when in the cycle there is no rationalizing with her at all.
I give another list of places to help her, she knows she can get help, but addiction tells her: not now, one more time, after this bag, when I get myself together, but all of it starts with one step and it's that one step I can't get her to take. When she comes all the way down, it's the best time to try but always the efforts end up going out the window when she reconnects with someone that is able to supply her with what she needs. At that point it starts off being, "I'm going to take it easy this time", two days later she's a mess. It never fails.
I know it's hard to break addiction, but I also knows it starts with the power to say I can't do this, I need help, and I can't do this alone.
Will I ever have her back in the right mind? Will she turn around before it's too late?
All I can do is pray, and so far she has been safe, and so far she's made it this far.
Addiction: cunning, baffling, deadly......