It's November now. One more month until the year is over and there has been changing, but a lot has gone undone as well.

Like by now I should have more scriptures memorized. I had a scripture a week, depending on how long it was, I fell off memorizing Psalm 27.

I was praying in my "prayer closet" and writing requests and answers in a box, that fell off after my failed fast (actually everything came to a halt after that) I felt so bad to have failed so miserably.

I was reading and doing various bible studies, that stopped as well.

So as the year ends, I started a new reading, a new audio study, re-learned Psalm 1, and have recommitted myself to journaling frequently to get a groove going with that so that maybe eventually I can start writing my book.

I'm going to attempt to end the year as I started it and I'm going to get up each time I fall and keep trying no matter what.

My relationship is in a better place, my mental state is a little clearer and less anxious and doom and gloom. That is good news as well. I'm just trying to finish something I start and cultivate a good habit off of that something for it to become a part of my life.

Today's journal prompt is asking the question: "What am I ready to let go of?"

For me, I readily have an answer for that one. The events of 2017 and all those leading up to and contributing to it which is I am believing to be sometime in 2016 for the start of things.

I am ready to let go of the questions I used to have regarding my husbands infidelities of the past, ( I had a list of questions before that I wanted answers to, but after some time that has past I realized that it doesn't matter the details because whatever happened already happened and nothing can be taken back or erased and there is no need in bringing up details because the way my mind works they would ruminate over and over tormenting me further so I decided it is best to just let it go at this point. Forgiveness and healing need to take place so old wounds don't need to be opened back up.

I am ready to let go of the hatred that I feel towards my husbands' parents, his brother and his cousin (all of whom were also involved in our Truman Show episodes). The hate was so strong that I would/was thinking horrible things in regards to them and realized that it was consuming me, it's holding me back from my own breakthroughs, and realistically it seems like everyone has moved on BUT me. Of course, I am looking on the outside, because they probably can't stand me just as much because they don't speak to me or make any moves to speak to me either. I actually feel like they do whatever they can to take my husband away from me when he does have free time, it seems like when he is home they come calling and he is off doing something for them as well. I get really jealous at his time away from home and I need to get a handle on it or find something else to do in my own free time because this waiting around for him all the time is driving me nuts, especially when I am here all the time and just want to get out for air no matter what it is he is doing. Take for instance this trip he is on right now. Initially, his dad was going with him and they were driving, but hours before they were to leave his mom called the ambulance and got taken to the hospital for an ER visit. Which took away the free time prior to him leaving AND delayed his departure, AND caused his dad to have to stay here with her (I made a joke that she said "Willie ain't going anywhere today". Which actually turned out to be true. But she did have some validity to being in the ER.) And yes, I was jealous over him being at the hospital because in my heart she was just doing it all to keep HER husband home and the trip wasn't really necessary. She was back home within hours with a follow up to the doctor for the next day. Part of me cares part of me says in my heart "God don't like ugly" and she needs to check her "Christian heart" as well because causing disruption when none is needed isn't right either. My main problem with them is that they let my sister in law and I look like fools to everyone and shared our mishaps with everyone and we were oblivious as to what was going on around us not knowing the joke was us. For them to be these supposed "Christian parents", and for people who talk down on those who act unChristianlike, I was very disappointed at how they allowed their sons to carry on with spying on us and not suggesting to them any other way to deal with the issues within their homes in a better way than the one they chose to take. I am hurt, I am pissed, embarrassed, ashamed and I really don't want to deal with them anymore because I feel like I have now seen how they really are and nothing can really change that back to before. Narcissists is what I called them. A family of narcissists and hypocrites that talk about everyone else but are living a raggedy life too, may not be the same junk as everyone else, but they have their junk/trash in their live just as well.

I have been able to speak to his brother better than everyone else, and I guess it is because he did try to warn me. I am not sure what it really is but we have talked and laughed and shared with each other on different occasions and it was as if nothing ever happened, but part of me looks at him when I am talking to him and wonder if he is looking at me the way I am looking at him. How is that? Well, his conversation is always good, always a laugh or two as well. But I look at him knowing I can't trust him. I think about how far he was willing to go just to prove a point (and it was a lot he went through to do so). I wonder if any of them are sorry about what they did, or if they regret any of it at all. I mean the family is divided, well at least I am cut out of the equation anyway. I do nothing with them at all. I know there is a surprise dinner coming up for his mom that I am not involved in (I heard about it by accident) and I am sure that Becky is going to be there and I am concerned about how that looks with me not being there at that either but yet my husbands groupie bitches might be there. I believe his dad would invite them no matter what he knows happened just to stick it to me. Thanksgiving is coming and I usually am home alone for that as well as they go travel up North to their extended family house as they do every year. I am going to try to go to Viejas this year and have the buffet and play the slots to take up my time or do something with someone because I don't want to stay here alone. I would go visit Sierra but I don't have the funds for it right now, if I was working I would be gone. Christmas my husband and son go next door (yes the in-laws live next door -- ALL OF THEM: the brother in law, the cousin, and the mom and dad are all our neighbors) for dinner and I am sitting here in the house listening to them laugh and enjoy each other's company. Last Christmas I cried and was depressed. Yes, I have family here but my mom doesn't really cook for holidays anymore, and I don't get along with my brother's baby mama so I stay away so she can enjoy her grandkids and I don't have to put on a song and dance. This year I am determined to do something on both holidays and not to be sitting here crying waiting for them once again.

Their cousin was involved too and today for the first time in just about a year, he spoke to me and after a short pause and making eye contact with him, I was able to open my mouth and wish him a Good morning. Now what made him speak to me I don't know because he has been seeing me and is always careful NOT to say anything, and another time I was outside with my husband and he had spoken to both of us and whereas my husband responded, I did not, and it was obvious and noted. But a sense of relief came over me as I got in the car after the exchange, as an exhale of the bullshit washed over me and I felt lighter.

That is what I want, and it is fitting to be coming at the end of the year. I want to let go of it all. For my own mental health, for my own being, I want to let it all go. The hurt, the anger, the pain, the shame, the embarrassment, I want to let it all go.

My husband has continued his church responsibilities without a hiccup, my brother and sister in law divorced and probably have moved on, at least I know my brother in law is moving on with his life (I am sure she has as well). Everyone is going about their regularly scheduled program and I am the only one still dealing with the scars and still putting healing ointment on the wounds because I keep reopening them. I am sure that the only way I am going to move to the next positive step in my life is to let go of this negative that I have held on to for so long. It's time to let it all go.

My marriage won't survive with me having a sick mind and my mind is only going to get better with positivity, hope, faith, and much forgiveness no matter if an apology is made or not. I need to let go for me, if for nothing else for me. I need to find my joy that surpasses all understanding no matter what winds and waves come my way, I want to have a standing joy that stands the test of any trials that come my way. I don't want to just break down, give up and give out, but stand, fight, and endure, no matter what.

I am ready to let go of all the pain and torment of 2017, this year I have tried my best to regroup, but nothing has worked because I know I have not moved into forgiveness, I haven't won the war within my mind or learned how to control it, I need to reconnect with God because He alone is my lifeline and without Him nothing else I attempt is going to work.

I outlined a plan, jotted down notes on a Brain Dump sheet, and I am certain if I stick with a daily routine that is geared towards self-care I will be taking myself that much closer to healing and letting it all go.

#selfcare #journalprompts #lettinggo #forgiveness #family #narcissist #mentalhealth

#findinghealing

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Motherhood is a choice you make everyday to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is. And to forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong.

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.

There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply….

My journal prompt today was to write about motherhood. I found those things above I found them relatable and true. I often sit back and wonder why God gave someone like me beautiful children to mess up but he did. Even with the oldest being 27 I still worry, want to make things right, want to fix things for them and shield them from some of the harshness that is out there. I try to give them what I feel I was missing with hopes that it aids in guiding them in their journey of life. After all it is said that Motherhood has the greatest potential influence in human life. And that being a mother is not about what you gave up to have a child, but what you’ve gained from having one. They all have taught me something and I value my unique relationship with each of them. I have a 27 year old, a 25 year old, and a 13 year old, and a stepdaughter who is is 29. I still never feel like I am enough, that I’ve done enough, showed or explained to them enough, or been example enough, but I know they love me and respect me in their own ways and I likewise respect them for the individuals that they are. We continue to grow with one another and share our experiences, dreams, and ask needed questions. Motherhood never stops, from the moment of conception to the day you die, you're a mom - no matter what.

Motherhood, it is the greatest thing, and the hardest thing. - Ricki Lake

#octoberprompt #motherhood #children

The 80/20 rule:

You get 80% of what you want and there is the 20% you'll probably never get so it's about being satisfied because the 80% is really enough, nothing is 100%. Appreciate your loved one and don't get caught up over the 20% you're not getting. In reading about it it let me know that I can spend too much time concentrating on what isn't and lose site of all that is really good. It is all of my internal chatter and constant ruminating over things that it's messing me up. I'm only thankful that I don't go off on every feeling that I get because we would be in a worse mess than we are now. I stop and think about things try to write about it I really analyze the situation to make sure that there's not another root of my own problem that really is not him. One thought leads to another and before I know it I am consumed by a tornado of pessimism. So if I'm getting 80% everyday and I'm still doing my part then I really should not be complaining. There are some things though that I would like to change as far as like a spending more time together and doing things together and finding our romance again but I'm going to let that take time. Because at the end of the day what it boils down to is that I need to love myself appreciate myself feel good about myself and be able to hold my own head up about myself before expecting somebody else to. A lot of it is I'm spoiled and i'm used to the man that he was and I want that attention but that's making up for my own lack of self-love searching it out in him. I have no doubt that he loves me but I do know we are both battered and bruised I just know that there can be better days for better and forever.

I know we as women are more emotional than men, we look more into things than they do and we expect more than they do. I once had a wife say to me that her husband stated that he's been the same since day one, and that she was the one who has changed. I can see that we do change, we should change over the years.....for the better. I truly believe that if your partner is communicating with you on how they feel and you don't curve to meet their needs, then how much are you willing to really give in a relationship? I have changed to accomodate my husband and I do believe that he has changed certain things upon me saying that certain actions or non actions bother me and need to change. He doesn't comment when I vent my concerns about our marriage nor does he correct me or reassure me when I let him know of my insecurities. Initially it made me upset, but over time I realized that I have my OWN insecurities and that I can't expect him to validate me if I don't feel validated myself. So here is where I check myself without going off on every whim with him. We as a couple have been battered and bruised and this is now a time when we need to pull together to heal and move forward past our past hurts, indiscretions and infidelities.

I asked him if he would attend a weekend retreat for married couples and his reply was yes. I put the information together to see if he will follow through with it. Unsure of whether to talk about it in person as I try not to nag him about us, but wanting him to know that it is my wish for us to be on the right track and I am willing to do whatever is necessary for us to be right. His response was yes, it was a response I didn't expect to hear (his answers regarding counseling prior to this was NO), and that very response gave me the hope that I wanted. It in itself let me know that yes, he also realizes we need help, it lets me know he obviously wants us to be in a better place as well. Where I once doubted the future of my marriage, I now see there is hope..... one step at a time.

#aweekendtoremember #marriageontherocks #marriage #reconciliation #love #movingforward

It's been said addiction is cunning, baffling.

Tight nerves, anxiety over the next use. Frustration and a host of emotions your body goes through while coming down from the high. Crying, yelling, increased awareness sometimes accompanyed by hallucinations and paranoia. I watch my daughter in turmoil....bugged out eyes that dart back and forth all over the place. Calling around asking for fronts of more dope, cussing people out who won't comply with her wishes. Scraping her pipe bowl with whatever fits the tubing to get residual dope out the pipe to smoke. Then watching her pick at herself, stating flies are flying out of her ears, a snake is in her butt (so she thinks), constantly saying she smells when you smell nothing on her. I try to tell her it's the drugs and she yells asking "Don't you see it?!", in reference to bugs coming out of her eyes and ears (but nothing is there). A bump in her ear she swears is an infestation, so she continuosly picks at it. You let her know it could be infected but it falls on deaf ears as there is no convincing her that what she thinks is NOT happening. Looking at her and seeing the beautiful, young lady she once looked like, to now being someone whose eyes are protruding from her sockets, scars all over her face, neck and ears, let's not talk about the scarring on her legs, 100 plus pounds lighter than she's been all her life before Mr. Meth got a hold of her. Yellowing teeth, damaged hair to the point she went bald because there was no saving it. She's 25 and is working on looking like mid 30's, some people she has introduced me to have said I look younger than her - that's never good. Knowing she can get help, but her constant answer is "I don't understand what she goes through daily and she NEEDS to be high". I let her know her body pain is caused by the drugs as it affects nerves, hence the feeling that your nerve endings are jumpy and you're not able to sit still. She gets lost on her phone stating "someone is on my phone", as if she is constantly being hacked. If you're on your phone in her presence she blames you for being the hacker, locks herself out of her accounts and blames this unknown person, I'm like who are you that someone needs to hack every phone you get? But again, there is no reasoning, I don't understand is all she replies to me with. Funny part is when you talk to her when she is in her right mind she knows and can tell the difference, but when in the cycle there is no rationalizing with her at all.

I give another list of places to help her, she knows she can get help, but addiction tells her: not now, one more time, after this bag, when I get myself together, but all of it starts with one step and it's that one step I can't get her to take. When she comes all the way down, it's the best time to try but always the efforts end up going out the window when she reconnects with someone that is able to supply her with what she needs. At that point it starts off being, "I'm going to take it easy this time", two days later she's a mess. It never fails.

I know it's hard to break addiction, but I also knows it starts with the power to say I can't do this, I need help, and I can't do this alone.

Will I ever have her back in the right mind? Will she turn around before it's too late?

All I can do is pray, and so far she has been safe, and so far she's made it this far.

Addiction: cunning, baffling, deadly......

#addiction #methaddiction #onedayatatime

What is beauty? What does beauty look like? Is it in the way someone looks, or how they act? Is it defined by what we wear, eat, play, listen to or how we speak? Magazines show beautiful as size 0's, long flowing hair, fair skin and blue eyes. Men with muscular bodies and chisled faces, six packs, tall and strong. Women defined by curves, numbers, status and what we wear both on our bodies and faces. Our faces becoming mere fabrications as we highlight, conceal, contour, plump up and add on all types of coloring to mirror the beauty which we see in those very magazines or on our favorite celebrities. So is that beauty? A fabrication? Our bodies sealed in spandex and body shapers to allude an hour glass shape, heels so high we appear long-legged and model like. Men and their stereroids, protein shakes and gyms. I ask again, what is beauty? Is it what's on the outside, or the depths we hold within? So in asking what is beauty....comes asking what is ugly then?

This is really happening. Her heart started pounding a little faster, she started to shake her leg nervously. Just months ago this was a thought, something not even clearly visible in her sight. Now as her eyes dart back and forth, taking in all the scenery outside the car windows, drinking in her city for the last time, (the song "This city, is my city, and I love it and I love it" starts playing in her head.) Some anxiety ebbs away. Replaying how all this came to be in her mind, she is reeling at the fact that she is currently in route to the airport. Looking at him from the corner of her eye, she tries to read his body language. Disappointed, but hopeful. Heartbroken but full of promise. Hesistate but yet eager. Anxious, but ready. She thinks back to another time when they were having problems. This particular night, as she walked away from the car, her husband jumped out of his SUV and ran behind her, turned her around, kissed her passionately, held her tightly - at that point she knew "one day" just not right now. This time she looked behind her as she walked up and down the roped aisles to go through Security Check at the airport, he wasn't coming after her. Matter of factly, he had not even stayed to watch her total exit. Done, they are parting ways, she is moving to another state all together, all in a matter of months. "Silence IS an answer", I'd like to add to that, it's also a soft, kindhearted answer. He never gave an explanation, he never gave any assurance at all, he let her walk away into a new life, one where "they" don't exist in. A man caused her to do what she has feared, what she thought she'd never do, a woman lost in herself and in the world now free to rebuild and press restart. Bittersweet, sadness washes over her as she takes that one last look back as she places her belongings on the conveyor belt. He's standing there, he came back. Is that a tear? Is that regret in his eyes? He raises his hand to wave, she gives a half smile, a pit rising deep within starts making it's way to the back of her throat as it starts to tighten, tears sting as they gather in her eyes, she turns away just as the tear falls. Exhales, walks through the scanner, picks up belongings on other side and starts making her way to her departing gate. So this is how it ends, no closure, just ends, no words, no parting sentiments, just a wave and a half smile and a questionable end.

#toogoodatgoodbyes #breakups #isthistheend #freshstart

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.

Haruki Murakami

#rise #newbeginnings #stormsforgrowth #test #levelup #life

I know I am. I have been on the search of learning how to love myself, accept myself and to be okay by myself. I have been embarking on a journey of change since last year and it is constantly evolving me into different stages, which I now know are necessary for me to get to the next level in my life. In that search I do a number of things to keep myself mentally healthy. I thought I'd share this with those who may be lost, sad, alone, desperate, and facing uncertainty at every hand.

28 Habits That Block Your Happiness - pinchmeliving.com

1. Lack of Self Love

2. Complaining

3. Blaming

4. Needing to look good

5. Poor physical habits

6. Being a slave to your fears

7. Thinking you have more time

8. Living inside a daydream

9. Gripping onto the past

10. Trying to be perfect

11. Hanging in the wrong circles

12. Holding negative beliefs

13. Denying your true worth

14. Living a facade

15. Striving to meet expectations

16. Negative self talk

17. Doing things solely for money

18. Being close minded

19. Buying into mainstream media

20. Lack of balance

21. Pushing against the natural flow

22. Being risk averse

23. Censoring your self expression

24. Living as a non failure

25. Lack of committed action

26. Being too busy

27. Anticipating problems

28. Living on auto-pilot

*I am guilty of 23 of these.......I got a lot of work to do on me, for me.

#happiness #deservetobehappy #blockinghappiness #badhabits #selflove #selfcare