What am I ready to let go of?
Today's journal prompt is asking the question: "What am I ready to let go of?"
For me, I readily have an answer for that one. The events of 2017 and all those leading up to and contributing to it which is I am believing to be sometime in 2016 for the start of things.
I am ready to let go of the questions I used to have regarding my husbands infidelities of the past, ( I had a list of questions before that I wanted answers to, but after some time that has past I realized that it doesn't matter the details because whatever happened already happened and nothing can be taken back or erased and there is no need in bringing up details because the way my mind works they would ruminate over and over tormenting me further so I decided it is best to just let it go at this point. Forgiveness and healing need to take place so old wounds don't need to be opened back up.
I am ready to let go of the hatred that I feel towards my husbands' parents, his brother and his cousin (all of whom were also involved in our Truman Show episodes). The hate was so strong that I would/was thinking horrible things in regards to them and realized that it was consuming me, it's holding me back from my own breakthroughs, and realistically it seems like everyone has moved on BUT me. Of course, I am looking on the outside, because they probably can't stand me just as much because they don't speak to me or make any moves to speak to me either. I actually feel like they do whatever they can to take my husband away from me when he does have free time, it seems like when he is home they come calling and he is off doing something for them as well. I get really jealous at his time away from home and I need to get a handle on it or find something else to do in my own free time because this waiting around for him all the time is driving me nuts, especially when I am here all the time and just want to get out for air no matter what it is he is doing. Take for instance this trip he is on right now. Initially, his dad was going with him and they were driving, but hours before they were to leave his mom called the ambulance and got taken to the hospital for an ER visit. Which took away the free time prior to him leaving AND delayed his departure, AND caused his dad to have to stay here with her (I made a joke that she said "Willie ain't going anywhere today". Which actually turned out to be true. But she did have some validity to being in the ER.) And yes, I was jealous over him being at the hospital because in my heart she was just doing it all to keep HER husband home and the trip wasn't really necessary. She was back home within hours with a follow up to the doctor for the next day. Part of me cares part of me says in my heart "God don't like ugly" and she needs to check her "Christian heart" as well because causing disruption when none is needed isn't right either. My main problem with them is that they let my sister in law and I look like fools to everyone and shared our mishaps with everyone and we were oblivious as to what was going on around us not knowing the joke was us. For them to be these supposed "Christian parents", and for people who talk down on those who act unChristianlike, I was very disappointed at how they allowed their sons to carry on with spying on us and not suggesting to them any other way to deal with the issues within their homes in a better way than the one they chose to take. I am hurt, I am pissed, embarrassed, ashamed and I really don't want to deal with them anymore because I feel like I have now seen how they really are and nothing can really change that back to before. Narcissists is what I called them. A family of narcissists and hypocrites that talk about everyone else but are living a raggedy life too, may not be the same junk as everyone else, but they have their junk/trash in their live just as well.
I have been able to speak to his brother better than everyone else, and I guess it is because he did try to warn me. I am not sure what it really is but we have talked and laughed and shared with each other on different occasions and it was as if nothing ever happened, but part of me looks at him when I am talking to him and wonder if he is looking at me the way I am looking at him. How is that? Well, his conversation is always good, always a laugh or two as well. But I look at him knowing I can't trust him. I think about how far he was willing to go just to prove a point (and it was a lot he went through to do so). I wonder if any of them are sorry about what they did, or if they regret any of it at all. I mean the family is divided, well at least I am cut out of the equation anyway. I do nothing with them at all. I know there is a surprise dinner coming up for his mom that I am not involved in (I heard about it by accident) and I am sure that Becky is going to be there and I am concerned about how that looks with me not being there at that either but yet my husbands groupie bitches might be there. I believe his dad would invite them no matter what he knows happened just to stick it to me. Thanksgiving is coming and I usually am home alone for that as well as they go travel up North to their extended family house as they do every year. I am going to try to go to Viejas this year and have the buffet and play the slots to take up my time or do something with someone because I don't want to stay here alone. I would go visit Sierra but I don't have the funds for it right now, if I was working I would be gone. Christmas my husband and son go next door (yes the in-laws live next door -- ALL OF THEM: the brother in law, the cousin, and the mom and dad are all our neighbors) for dinner and I am sitting here in the house listening to them laugh and enjoy each other's company. Last Christmas I cried and was depressed. Yes, I have family here but my mom doesn't really cook for holidays anymore, and I don't get along with my brother's baby mama so I stay away so she can enjoy her grandkids and I don't have to put on a song and dance. This year I am determined to do something on both holidays and not to be sitting here crying waiting for them once again.
Their cousin was involved too and today for the first time in just about a year, he spoke to me and after a short pause and making eye contact with him, I was able to open my mouth and wish him a Good morning. Now what made him speak to me I don't know because he has been seeing me and is always careful NOT to say anything, and another time I was outside with my husband and he had spoken to both of us and whereas my husband responded, I did not, and it was obvious and noted. But a sense of relief came over me as I got in the car after the exchange, as an exhale of the bullshit washed over me and I felt lighter.
That is what I want, and it is fitting to be coming at the end of the year. I want to let go of it all. For my own mental health, for my own being, I want to let it all go. The hurt, the anger, the pain, the shame, the embarrassment, I want to let it all go.
My husband has continued his church responsibilities without a hiccup, my brother and sister in law divorced and probably have moved on, at least I know my brother in law is moving on with his life (I am sure she has as well). Everyone is going about their regularly scheduled program and I am the only one still dealing with the scars and still putting healing ointment on the wounds because I keep reopening them. I am sure that the only way I am going to move to the next positive step in my life is to let go of this negative that I have held on to for so long. It's time to let it all go.
My marriage won't survive with me having a sick mind and my mind is only going to get better with positivity, hope, faith, and much forgiveness no matter if an apology is made or not. I need to let go for me, if for nothing else for me. I need to find my joy that surpasses all understanding no matter what winds and waves come my way, I want to have a standing joy that stands the test of any trials that come my way. I don't want to just break down, give up and give out, but stand, fight, and endure, no matter what.
I am ready to let go of all the pain and torment of 2017, this year I have tried my best to regroup, but nothing has worked because I know I have not moved into forgiveness, I haven't won the war within my mind or learned how to control it, I need to reconnect with God because He alone is my lifeline and without Him nothing else I attempt is going to work.
I outlined a plan, jotted down notes on a Brain Dump sheet, and I am certain if I stick with a daily routine that is geared towards self-care I will be taking myself that much closer to healing and letting it all go.
#selfcare #journalprompts #lettinggo #forgiveness #family #narcissist #mentalhealth