Summer Gardens

On the way home from the memorial service; I had plucked some Petunias for her grave prior this morning, she loved the white ones for certain reason. The whole thing took place quickly and it makes me wonder if this is a fragment of my imagination because I was most definitely not prepared to let her go. I’m getting flashes of visions as if she’s running towards me in the garden, being chased by someone. Perhaps she didn’t want to leave as well. She decorated the walls of my life with Glorisa Lilies but now it’s just placements of empty bricks.

I think I need a drink.

Sipping on my beer and reminiscing back to the moments where Suzanna would put on her favorite Marigold colored dress and twirl around our garden in adoration of the flowers we both lovingly planted. We were the wildflowers, bold and never conform to rules and our queer marriage lasted several seasons until she passed on from cancer. Oh bless her soul! How she loved summer, the season where the earth dances closer to the sun. Our garden was the only memoir of our love. I should have taken a moment to smell the flowers and cherish Suz but our flower shop business was going rapidly and time wasn’t our greatest friend.

Her cancer was detected at stage 3 and she spent months in the hospital doing chemotherapy. She loss lots of weight and during the last stages of her life, I forgot seeing her smile. To cheer her up, I bring flowers to her every day. Sometimes, I make lame jokes like I bring sunflowers and say you’re the sun to my flower or I say tacky pick up lines to make her giggle. However, bringing food isn’t a good option because she just throws them all up.

Time for me to head home.

Given that she’s gone, I decided to move back to the city, leaving tomorrow. I received a good offer from a family friend on the property, flower shop, cottage and the garden. I’ll miss the scent of Lavender that she collected around the house in form of candles, soaps and potpourri but especially how it smelled on her skin. I’ll miss the Coreopsis that we first planted or the Hibiscus she gracefully pinned up at the side of her hair. Mostly, I’ll miss our roses as she was as beautiful as a bouquet of them.

Before I go away, for one last time, I shall water my colorful babies, my friends, my happiness.

If flowers had emotions, here is where they would cry:

But guess what! I hate you! You remind me of Suz!

I want to obliterate every thought of her!

I thumped and jumped on the flowers, pulled all the roots from the soil and cut them into pieces!

I want death for all of you.

You don’t deserve to shine anymore because I no longer can.

I feel like an unleashing monster! God! Help me!

I think need my anti depressants!