Letters to You: Number 1

It’s your birthday tomorrow. You would have been turning twenty years old. Joe Biden gave a eulogy for John McCain and said, “I promise you, I promise you, there will be a time when a smile rather than a tear comes first in recalling your departed loved one.” Some days I am there and others I am nowhere near being alright with your death. It is so hard to explain to people when I say how badly it hurt me when you died. They do not understand how hard it is to lose someone you loved but never got the chance to show that love. They do not understand the pain it causes me every day knowing I still had feelings for you when you passed. It’s hard to even call you a loved one when saying you died because I loved you but technically you are not my loved one. I usually say one of my close friends died or my “sort of” ex died or something along those lines. I have an entire playlist of music dedicated to you and everything I ever felt for you. I wish you were here to share my taste in music like you used to. Some days I hear a song and want to show it to you but I can’t. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of how much Belle gets to show her love for you because she knew you longer and probably knew you better, but I am entirely jealous. I wish I could show the world I loved you just as much as her. I wanted ya to be together so much. I knew somehow we would be good together. Did I ruin what we had? Did you feel the same? Was I wrong with what I was feeling? All these questions and more run through my head whenever I think of you. I need you here just to talk sometimes. I need you as my best friend. I need you as my greatest love. I wanna talk to you about all these stupid guys. I want to hear your voice and your laugh. I want to hold your hand. I want to hug you again. I want to smell you again. I want to see those sparkling blue eyes smiling at me. I want you to be a dork playing cards with me and my family again. I want to drive in your truck with the music up too loud. I want to hear you telling me stupid and corny pickup lines to make me laugh. I want you to tell me it'll all buff out, it always does because I need to hear it now. Do you ever hear me cry out your name in my sleep at night? Do you see the tears slip down my cheeks when I'm dreaming of you? Do you know how hard it is to love someone you cannot love and have others competing with an angel for my love? I want to love someone else so bad, but I'm afraid it'll take my love away from you. I do not want to forget you. I do not want to stop loving you. I know people would tell me "you will always love him, but he would want you to love someone else." Yet, I still yearn for you because I was never able to love you. #NeededtoSayThis #ThereWillBeMore