The Elf Manifesto

I write this knowing that if I am caught, my fate will be to end up as reindeer droppings. The fat man would have you humans believe that we elf folk joyfully laugh and sing while making toys for all good little girls and boys in the human world. This is pure propoganda! We are slaves and humanity must learn the truth! If I am to die bringing the truth to you, so be it! My people deserve to be free and humanity needs to... nay, must know that jolly old Saint Nick has a heart as black as coal!

Contrary to what Pere Noel would have you believe, we are not his faithful and well compensated friends. Instead, we slave in dimmly lit, freezing workshops sixteen hours a day making toys for meager portions of milk, cookies, and cocoa. Oh, this may sound like sweet reward for our toil, but it is torture! We elves are cursed with celiac disease and lactose intollerance! Santa knows this and forces us exist on a diet that keeps us too weak and too busy running to the toilet to rebel! As to cocoa? It is the opiate of the elf masses! It assures that Santa has a work force that is dependent on him for the only substance that helps us to forget our plight.

Oh, how the fat man has begiled humanity with his self-made myth of jolly goodness and love of children! You think Santa delivers these toys to the good little children throughout the world with his sleigh and reindeer because he is the embodiment of charity? No, Santa sells the toys to human retailers so than he and Mrs. Claus can live lives of luxury! Twenty-four hours a day cargo ships arrive at the North Pole to receive crates filled with elf-made toys. Their return final destinations being, Walmarts, Targets, and Amazon Ware Houses!

You may ask why we elves don't fight back or try to escape. We have, but Santa is as cunning as he is cruel. Realizing that we may try to rebel or unionize, Santa introduced us to hot cocoa and many of us became addicted. So long as we made toys, Santa kept the cocoa flowing. It did not take long before most elves lived to be fa la la la fucked up on Swiss Miss powder. Any resistance, talk of unions, or work slow downs and we were cut off and left jonesing for the brown dust. There is nothing sadder than having an elf offer to suck your candy cane for a tea spoon of cocoa. I have managed to kick my habit, not for myself, but for elf-kind!

As to escape? Santa has reindeer for that. You see, elves know something you humans don't. Reindeer eat elves. Santa surrounds his North Pole toy factory with elf hungry reindeer. To step outside of the factory is to invite being torn appart by those antlered devils. Ultimately, we are too cocoaed up and too fearful of being eaten by Donner or Blitzen to put up much of a fight.

So, I write this letter and hide it inside one of the Street Corner Barbies that I make in the hopes that some human will read it and learn the truth. If you find this, please send help. Put an end to Santa's reindeer enforced reign of terror on elf-kind!