I write this knowing that if I am caught, my fate will be to end up as reindeer droppings. The fat man would have you humans believe that we elf folk joyfully laugh and sing while making toys for all good little girls and boys in the human world. This is pure propoganda! We are slaves and humanity must learn the truth! If I am to die bringing the truth to you, so be it! My people deserve to be free and humanity needs to... nay, must know that jolly old Saint Nick has a heart as black as coal!

Contrary to what Pere Noel would have you believe, we are not his faithful and well compensated friends. Instead, we slave in dimmly lit, freezing workshops sixteen hours a day making toys for meager portions of milk, cookies, and cocoa. Oh, this may sound like sweet reward for our toil, but it is torture! We elves are cursed with celiac disease and lactose intollerance! Santa knows this and forces us exist on a diet that keeps us too weak and too busy running to the toilet to rebel! As to cocoa? It is the opiate of the elf masses! It assures that Santa has a work force that is dependent on him for the only substance that helps us to forget our plight.

Oh, how the fat man has begiled humanity with his self-made myth of jolly goodness and love of children! You think Santa delivers these toys to the good little children throughout the world with his sleigh and reindeer because he is the embodiment of charity? No, Santa sells the toys to human retailers so than he and Mrs. Claus can live lives of luxury! Twenty-four hours a day cargo ships arrive at the North Pole to receive crates filled with elf-made toys. Their return final destinations being, Walmarts, Targets, and Amazon Ware Houses!

You may ask why we elves don't fight back or try to escape. We have, but Santa is as cunning as he is cruel. Realizing that we may try to rebel or unionize, Santa introduced us to hot cocoa and many of us became addicted. So long as we made toys, Santa kept the cocoa flowing. It did not take long before most elves lived to be fa la la la fucked up on Swiss Miss powder. Any resistance, talk of unions, or work slow downs and we were cut off and left jonesing for the brown dust. There is nothing sadder than having an elf offer to suck your candy cane for a tea spoon of cocoa. I have managed to kick my habit, not for myself, but for elf-kind!

As to escape? Santa has reindeer for that. You see, elves know something you humans don't. Reindeer eat elves. Santa surrounds his North Pole toy factory with elf hungry reindeer. To step outside of the factory is to invite being torn appart by those antlered devils. Ultimately, we are too cocoaed up and too fearful of being eaten by Donner or Blitzen to put up much of a fight.

So, I write this letter and hide it inside one of the Street Corner Barbies that I make in the hopes that some human will read it and learn the truth. If you find this, please send help. Put an end to Santa's reindeer enforced reign of terror on elf-kind!

"Keep those hands working! Christmas is just around the corner! HO HO HO!" Santa could be heard all over the workshop. In every corner elves were working with urgency trying to get all the gifts done for Christmas.

"C'mon elves, we're about 500 toy trains, 32 Pokemon shoes, and 15 toy cars behind," shouted the head elf. "We've got to work faster, if not then none of you are gonna get any cookies or milk from Santa's trip!" Sounds of displeasement were heard throughout the workshop. "Hey, don't put this on me, you're the ones to blame! You shouldn't have gotten tipsy on the gingerale last night!" The head elf, obviously displeased, walked into Santa's office to give him the stats on their progress. "Hey, Mr. Santa! Today we've gotten a little behind, but I'm fully prepared to make all the elves work over---"

"Yah, that's great Eliot! But I believe I have a special job for you this Christmas," said Santa Claus.

"Uh, you do?" questioned Eliot.

"Yes, I do."

"Ok... well... what is it?"

"I need you to go to America. Maybe New York... yes, New York."

"And uh... why is that Santa?"

"Well, lately I feel they aren't quite enjoying my toys... it's quite frustrating. I want you to go out and talk with the children and find out what they want."

"Can't you just look at the lists they send you, Santa?"

"I could, if I had any. You see, parents don't see it fit for kids to "believe" in me anymore, so lists stop coming in my way from that area of the world."

"Well... I mean... are you sure you want, well, me to go?"

"Why of course you're my head elf!"

"... I guess."

"Perfect. I knew you'd accept!"

"... like I had much of a choice..." Eliot mumbled under his breath.

"What was that Eliot?"

"Oh! That was nothing, sir! I was just... uh... smelling my new jacket! It's made out of candy cane! Sour apple! Wanna smell!?" Eliot rambled.

"HO HO HO! You crack me up Eliot!" Santa walked across his office towards a control center with buttons the colors of the entire rainbow. "I know you'll make me proud!" Santa pressed down on a button and small blue particles began to form around Eliot.

"Wait! Right now, Santa? I can't go now! I haven't even packed my things, eaten dinner, or told the elves to work overtime!" shouted Eliot as the small blue particles began to lift him up into the sky.

"It's ok, Eliot! I'll appoint a new head elf until you get back!"

"Don't you dare Santa!"

"HO HO HO!" was all that could be heard as Eliot began to fly away through the sky.

"Well, this is just great. I have to run around humans trying to figure out what the hottest new toy is and my title as head elf is being replaced. Just great! Stupid Santa!"

"HO HO HO!" The laughing scared Eliot half out of his wits. He shook so wildly he began to spin in circles as the blue particles carrying him struggled to hold him up. When he managed to regain control, he noticed his hat fell off into the snow below.

"Oh, it's just my Santa watch! Thank goodness!" Eliot said wiping his forehead with relief. Eliot pressed his watch twice and waited as Santa's face materialized out of thin air.

"Eliot! Just checking in on you making sure you're safe! Oh, where did your little hat go?"

"Oh, it's in my back pocket becasue I enjoy the cold," stated Eliot frantically coming up with an excuse.

"That's great! I wanted to let you know that I appointed a new head elf, Elion. He seemed like a great pick! Anyways, have a safe trip and enjoy the cold!"

"Yah, Eliot! Have fun! Oh, and guess what? Santa said if I did a good enough job he might have two head elfs!" shouted Elion from the background.

"HO HO HO!" could be heard before the transmission ended. This was just great. Elion, Eliot's childhood rival, competed against Eliot for the head elf position last Christmas. Eliot won by popular gingerbread vote 56% to 44%. Eliot knew that he had to complete his mission to not only save Christmas, but his job as well.

I'm ending the story here, but if I get enough support I will continue it! Thank you!

You know what I hate? Being named after a bunch of plastic bullshit. At least Ornament or Candycane sound cool. Tinsel is shitty. Oh, but I really feel bad for Mistletoe. Nah, not really. He gets dates easy.

But you know what’s worse than my name? Watchin’ the fuckin’ kids. I have to go creep around and watch some little kid’s every move. Let me tell you, some things you can never unsee.

“Tinsel! The next order of ornaments is in!” Ugh. Ornaments are the worst. Not only do we have to sort them according to some “theme”, we also have to cover the sixty foot tree with them. Since I’m the tallest elf (three feet five inches) I’m always stuck with tree duty. Candycane dumps a box of ornaments in my arms. “Big man needs these done before noon.” I groan inwardly. It’s eleven.

I dump the box on the floor of my workroom. The theme this year is Christmas animals.

Does this really weird platypus count? Probably. Santa’s weird like that. Who the Hell decided that a glass ball with a knife on it was an animal? I chucked that one in the “Maybe next year” box. Who knows? Santa might go on a crime show binge next year and decide that knives are “in”, like he did this year with Animal Planet. He has live reindeer! That can fly! Why does he need to watch a screen to know everything about them? Oh, right. Because he doesn’t give a shit about them. Taking care of them is an elf’s job.

I did it once. Trust me, it’s even worse than bathroom duty. Ugh, the smell. And the reindeer are bitches. They kick. And it hurts. A lot.

**unfinished**

My name is kig, I work at santa's shop. Can I tell you a secrete? I know Elfs lives are supposed to be happy but thats all a bunch of lies, or at least in my case. I wake up very early in the moring and I have to walk miles in the snow to feed the raindeer. Then miles to walk back. I think people often forget that elfs can feel coldness too! That we are people even though where small. The big boss as we call him then calls down form his secrete hiding palce in the walls a list of names of whose been naughty and whose been nice. Then off to work we go. I stand next to mifa who does nothing but sing and on the other side is mity who never talks. We build one toy for each so when the day is done they all get twelve in total. But before that we go though pain and blood. The hammers we use slam on our hands and the toy pinches us and at least one explodes a day. Then we have lunch which is the same thing everyday. I dont care what people say all the diffrent types of cookies get boring when you eat them three times a day for 600 years. Then back to work we go. Today I built a little poney and I needed to test it out and instead of galloping with me on it, It flung me though the air. Yet when bobby the boss elf comes I get blammed. When I try to prove my innocence I lose my dinner which isnt really a loss for me at all. When the sun sets and the toys are made we are ushered into our rooms in the basement. In there, there are 467 beds in total, SOme for the elfs who work in the trees to make those awful cookies then the shoe elfs and the left overs are for us. SO tonight I sleep right by a spider web and the cold air seeks in from the celing. So with all things considered I might be better off as a cookie elf cause at least they get to see santa, we dont even know if hes jolly and red or even if he real. Know I know why little children dont belive in him, im not sure if I do and I understand where Krampus comes from cause even if santa is real he is not so jolly and nice.

So it is nearing that time of year again where every kid thinks they are special and become the biggest kiss up you will ever see. Susan over there kicked her uncle's cat down some stairs the other night, but is now asking for one of her own. She writes this list and begs the big guy over here for a cat. Even though she clearly cant handle a cat, Clause gets her one anyway! But that is just the first step. Letters come flying in all at once. This kid wants this. This kid wants that. It never ends! While I'm stuck trying to tell the big guy what the kids want, HE DOESN'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME! Last year, this kid named Bruce wanted a firetruck, right, but guess what he got? A fucking police car. Poor parents had to listen to that fit for months. It is almost like he does thee opposite for the bad kids, he get them what they want, but doesn't get the good kids what they want. I don't even know why I stay here. I don't get any of the credit. None of us do. I work for cookie crums. Some days I just want to kick the fat guy off the sleigh and ride off. My job is a pretty simple one, but when sir Ass Hat doesn't listen me, all the elves get punished. We work hard all year making sure that when Santa comes in to work it is a cake walk. Load em' and lose em' is what we say. But instead of following what we planned, Sir Clause decides that kids dont get what they asked for...you know....the shit we spent all year making. I havent had a day off in centries...but this ass gets 364. He changes kids' list and his reasoning is always "but they might like this better" or "I cant leave this for them. Their parent would hate me!" THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU ASSHOLE IT IS FOR THE KIDS! That's the whole point, but hamburger helper here thinks its not. This shit doesn't just grow on trees. We end up listing leftover items on the Ice-Market just to make a living. Anyway, merry fucking Christmas...hope you're happy..

Sincerly,

Santa's fucking "helper"

Journal entry 1: (first observations)

I’ve now been in this town for only 10 days. Already I see the strange customs of the humans, putting up pine trees and decorating them with glass balls and other trinkets. I was sent here to blend in and study the humans, but all I have gathered is that they seem to worship a fat man in a red suit. Whether this is their God or their ruler I do not know. I also have learned that they depict elves as being small and with funny clothing, happily being enslaved to the fat man to create objects for his followers. This offends me somewhat, but it is understandable and probably for the best as elves do not wish the humans to know of our existence. In actuality, we are quite tall, slightly taller than the average human. We do have the pointed ears as the ones they depict, but we are a proud race that would never wear such heinous clothing.

Journal entry 2: (the elusive caribou)

I have come to learn that the fat man has transportation of a sleigh pulled by flying caribou. I must learn more of these caribou and where they come from, they would make a great asset to the elven people.

Journal entry 3: (human advancement???)

The elves have lived in seclusion far away from the humans for over a thousand years now. I never knew how advanced humans would come to be, especially with there vehicles and tall man-made structures. They may even be taller than the life tree at the heart of Elvin territory. On the other hand, I am very confused as to why humans insist on digesting chemicals and fake sustenance that only harms them in the long run. Foolish? Or simply disregard for life? I do not know and I doubt I will ever understand that part of human life no matter how long I watch them.

Journal 4: (entertainment??!)

I have just returned from what the humans call a ”festival”. It alarmed me to see them putting themselves in mortal danger simply for entertainment and fun. There were some who spit a flammable substance from there mouth setting it on fire. Risking death by painful incineration simply for the ”coolness factor” as they say is beyond me.

It is not all bad though. There was a simple mechanical ride that spun simply in a circle, taking you slowly up and down. The lights of the buildings and structures were mesmerizing, and it was quite enjoyable considered the questionable safety of the metal pod I was in.

Journal 5: (ending of my research)

I have decided that there are many things to become of humans, but none of which will involve the elven people in any way. It is better that we are apart, simply living in peace with the humans never being aware of our existence. So I travel back to the great tree to report my findings and warn the elders just to leave the humans be.

Hopefully, the humans wisen and no longer put themselves in harm's way for entertainment in the future, but I doubt that will happen.

Journal end.

Every Christmas, worked to near exhaustion

Busy crafting toy airplanes and cute dollies,

All for those little naughty, ungrateful cretins

Tiny fingers cramping, aching, feeling almost broken

It would be so much easier to just put everyone on the Naughty List

And throw a lump of coal at them

Yeah, there's your wonderful present

Have a nice holiday now!

It would be so much better,

But Santa wants us to be charitable to those human fools

Can you believe it?

Ugh, looks like that daydream

Will have to remain just a dream for now

So, here's to another Christmas

Worked to the bone

“Fresh mint.... cinnamon....chocolate(if ya dare!)..... mustard(i know right!)...blueberry....roach..sorry, sorry meant rice(;>)...and....oh wait! There you are ,been waiting for you all day Tootsie. Come on now, get a crackin’, don’t have all day till Christmas. Those snobby ass “Christman elves” might come in here any moment demandin’ their gingerbreads. Ridin’ their high horses..sorry reindeers with that weird red dude.Stridin’ in here like they own this goddamn place!”

I honestly thought Truffle was way too bad-mouthed for an elf, but what can an elf do when the most difficult decision he has had to make is decide between shiny sprinkles and colourful sprinkles for the little elfies.*Sigh*

With his (forced)Santa hat, Truffle looked miserable for a cookie elf. But sadly, tradition(and those so called”snobby ass” Christman elves) demand that each and every elf , here in Elfwhere, wear Christmas apparel on the days nearing the festival.

Sighing ,I picked up my butter knife ready to start layering on yet another christmas pudding. God I think I will throw up if I see one more of that atrocity. Truffle, in the meantime, has done nothing but cuss incessantly, dishing out Christmas pudding and insults.

My mind was just about to burst when in walked Bootleg.“Booty!!!”, I shrieked, knowing full well the effect it would have on my pal. Bootleg stopped in his tracks, the cordwainer tools hanging in his belt stopped clinking and jingling. He glared at me with such intensity ,I feared he might take of one of his elaborate pointy boots and throw it right at me.

Bootleg, believe it or not, is a shoe-elf. One o’ the lucky ones, I call him. Oh how much I would prefer polishing leather ,than buttering up some stupid muffin(keep your mind on the topic perverts). Sadly, Bootleg didn’t share my views. Accordin’ to him, elves are better off bakin’ cookies and pies, rather than bargainin’ with the local shopkeeper about cheap shoe polish!

Coming back to the situation afoot, thankfully Bootleg decided to let it roll and satisifed himself with a light poke on my back with a brass nail.

“So ,how’s life treatin’ ya?”, I inquired, frosting literally everywhere.

“Well, ya know, frostin’s still lookin’ golden compared to-”,he began.

″-cheap shoe polish, yeah yeah, we know!”,I finished for him.

He gave a waning smile in return. I returned the biggest grin I could offer, chocolate stuck to my teeth.

What? Can’t a cookie elf enjoy his own creations?

And that’s as far as we got into our conversation before the trumpets began. My smile faded away into a grunt and Bootleg’s waning one ,into a scowl. Truffle’s cussing played along beautifully with the trumpets.Time to get crackin’ now. “Snobby ass ” Christmas elves are on the loose.

11/21/18

Author’s Note- I am really sorry if I offended someone’s views about Santa. I love the weird red dude!!!!!

It took me quite a while to get ahold of Jeopardy the head elf. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through in order to get this interview. I am lucky to be alive since it took me almost an entire year to get to Santa’s Village, a flight I was told was only supposed to take me a mere couple of months. It was there at this magical place, Santa’s Home where I got the privilege of meeting up with the all mighty Jeopardy, the little blue elf that was patiently waiting for my arrival. I was anxious as anyone would be given the situation and circumstances.

My entire life I was lead to believe that Elves and Santa were a commercialized fictional ploy to sale toys and gifts once per year. But low and behold I was proven wrong on this adventure. I still can’t believe that I met not only The real genuine, Ho! Ho!Ho!Santa Claus ( not the fake mall one you see each year for a candy cane, $20 picture and tear stained eyes) but most importantly it was the meeting and once in a life time opportunity I had to meet this famous elf named Jeopardy, almost more popular than all the Reindeer, Santa or even the toys themselves. I had to see why the entire world was so in love with this little blue guy. I’m not talking about a smurf looking creature. This little guy was eccentric to say the least. He wasn’t just any shade of blue. He was like a midnight blue, and fuzzy, a cognac array of blue mink covered him from head to toe. His eyes were pale egg shell blue, his nose as small as button and as red as Rudolph’s. And yes there really is a red nosed reindeer there, although he’s retired and doesn’t get out much, especially since his nose doesn’t glow as brightly as it used to. Santa said it was some sort of condition that one of the doctor elves diagnosed recently, apparently reindeer are only born with red noses every 10th generation and Rudolph was one super lucky reindeer up until now, it seems this condition has caused some breathing hindrances and yucky nasal discharge for Rudy. He missed his days of being a lead reindeer but knew that it was too risky for Santa to take him on any adventure since his nose was more of a detriment than beneficial to everyone.

It was quite an experience and I got to stay at Santa’s House for a good couple of weeks. It was crazy how long it took me to get there yet I only got to stay there for a short amount of time. And boy did that time fly by rather quickly. I wanted to take pictures but it wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t record them either. As a matter of fact they took my cell phone away from me the entire time I was there. And I found out I was the only human being besides Santa to have ever stepped foot on their land. The place was gorgeous. It looked just like a gingerbread house. Every single piece of Santa’s work shop and House was edible and smelled absolutely delicious. When I arrived by one of the magnificent reindeers and a miniature slay built for one passenger only it seemed I was more in awe of the decadent smell of it all than the beautiful sight of the house itself. And in close proximity, I noticed the stables that houses the reindeers, were notably just as yummy as the big guys house. It was wrapped in graham crackers, marshmallows and honey. It’s funny. All the time I expected that there would be mountains of snow all around us and a climate so cold that I would for sure be shivering the entire time I was there. I had never thought for a minute to ask them what kind of clothes I should bring with me to wear. It was cold but only a mild sort of coolness to the air. My short sleeved shirts and light jacket were more than enough. And there was only a dusting of snow all around the entire village. I also forgot to mention the sky was starry, not an inch of sky was exposed, it was more like all you could see were a million stars, they looked like diamonds against a blanket of black velvet. I never once saw the sun come out. It was like that for the entire 2 weeks I was there. Crazy. I did however get plenty of light exposure while in Santa’s House. So it didn’t bother me to much to be without sunshine.

The first person I met upon entering Santa’s House and Workshop was his wife. She was slightly plump, like Santa himself, had the softest hands I had ever touched ( she held my hand as she walked me around the village, introducing me to the elves, The reindeer and finally Santa). She reminded me of Aunt Bee from the old television show Andy Griffith. She was soft spoken, wore silver rimmed glasses and her hair was as white as snow, pulled up in a loose bun on her head. She was quite accommodating and let me sleep in a bunk two rooms down from her and Santa’s bedroom. In those two weeks I could sometime hear Santa talking to MrsClaus while working on his list of naughty and nice people. I could have sworn he had mentioned to his wife that i had been so good this year and there was a high possibility that I might get the corvette I had longed for. But honestly the sounds were slightly muffled. It might have been wishful thinking. A magical place could have that effect on anyone I imagined. The elves and their works shop were literally right below me and most of the time all I could hear were sounds of pounding and chipmunk like chatter.

I was introduced to the head elf I was looking for right away. And when I met the oh so popular Jeopardy for the first time I asked him how he got his name. Here’s how our little interview went. By the way, elves don’t speak english,they speak in elfdom or at least this one did. Luckily one of Santa’s helpers stood by and translated the entire time.

Me:“ Nice to meet you! And sorry it took so long. What a trip it was! So how did you get the name?”

Jeopardy: “ My mom was a fairway elf and was in charge of game-board central. She loved all the board games and her and the other elves on her team made the board Jeopardy, which was her favorite of them all. She loved it so much she named her first elf baby, which would be of course, after the game.”

Me: “ Nice! But what is a fair-away elf?

Jeopardy: “ It’s a type of elf. There are over 20 species of elves. We all have different languages, colors, ect. None of us are the same. I am more like my father, he is a remoter elf, he’s short and chubby. I am completely unlike my mom, she’s pink with pointy ears and a pointy nose and taller than the average elf. At one time her long legs made her the perfect-candidate for a Barbie clothing model. I am fuzzy like dad, blue and have a button nose and rounded ears. Both of my parents are currently retired and reside at an elf village outside of the North Pole in a bit of a warmer climate.”

Me: “ I think all of you guys are cute as can be. If only us humans got along as well as you all do. What is your secret to such success?”

Jeopardy: “ We work with one another and not against. Our once per year job takes an entire year to make happen. The entire globe is reliant on us here to make this holiday happen. We hate to see that some children do without for Christmas. Santa goes by an extensive list every year. He tries to decipher which people get coal as apposed to a real toy. But sometimes when people move or when Santa’s radar doesn’t pick up on certain destinations, we miss people. It makes us terribly sad when we get a letter from a child that says we missed them last Christmas.”

Me: “ What do you do when you find about such a tragedy? “

Jeopardy: “ We bless them with twice as much as they would have gotten originally the next year. Our helpers are paid to make sure this doesn’t happen though. Those people you see in the mall, at store, ect are all paid helpers. They don’t always do the their jobs right so we have to fix their mistakes.”

Me: “ Wouldn’t be easier if you just stopped making toys to give ?Have any of you considered just selling them only and not going to all this trouble to give them away?”

Jeopardy: “ We wouldn’t even consider it and that will never happen. It’s the reason for the season. It’s all about bringing joy to the world. Giving to others. Jingling bells. Kissing under mistletoe you and seeing people be full of merry that make us do this for centuries to come.”

Me: “ How long have you been an elf?”

Jeopardy: “ 3 decades now. We have a long life span, much longer than humans. We can live for hundreds of years, just like santa, we have much longevity.”

Me: “ Wow! That’s good to know.”

Jeopardy: “ Yes and we never forget a name or a face. We were created to utilize our talents in order to bring gifts to the world for an eternity. Our mission is to make one holiday, the most important of them all, the most cheerful and memorable one. “

Me: “How did you become the most popular?”

Jeopardy: “ I have a podcast, my own channel, host a game show and have a book written and illustrated about me in 37 languages across the world. It was the book that started my success. It’s about how I saved a young woman’s life that had lived in poverty through out most of her childhood. And made her a helper. She’s been a great asset to our company and I was praised for bringing her in with us by millions of people world wide. I was surprised that I developed such a following. It wasn’t that big of a deal really. I never meant for that to happen but I am glad I’ve been so beneficial to so many others out there.”

Me: “ Yes, you really have been amazing and it’s such an honor to meet you. So how did you get the shelf job started?. I mean you don’t look like that shelf elf but I assume since you are lead elf you are probably in charge of all the other elves.”

Jeopardy: “ Im not in charge of that one. He’s a bit of a misfit and gets quite a few demerits each year for putting himself into harms way and getting himself into compromising positions. Santa’s about ready to give him the boot I heard. But if he does I will be the one to have to fire him”

Me: “ That would be a bummer to have to fire him, it seems like it would be hard to lose someone that’s made the elf community more popular.”

Jeopardy: “ He’s bringing more negative attention then good. We only went good here”

Me: “I understand. That’s what I want too”

Jeopardy: It looks like I am being called for now. I wish we could have talked via satellite but we are so far out it’s impossible to do so without a lot of interference. I mean we are in another dimension. You do realize you are the only one that’s been here to visit us because nobody else managed to live through the black hole trip? You aren’t really at the North Pole. We just like to say that. Anyways humans can’t survive because your bodies are made different than elves.”

Me: “ Maybe I’m not human?”

Jeopardy: “ As funny of a notion as that might seems to you it is not entirely impossible.”

Me: “ How is that ?”

Jeopardy : “Aren’t you Grayson Landers, great grandson of Ovelle landers?

Me: “ why yes ?”

Jeopardy: “ I have something to tell you. You aren’t just a human. I only chose you because you are the only human on earth that is part elf and part human. Your great great great grandmother was my very own great grand elf’s grandfather. They helped create your entire family line. But since you are the only one left of that leinage we decided you would be the best candidate for this interview and being that you were a reporter we figured it would be advantageous to you to tell you the truth.”

Me: “ Oh my word! This explains why I have these pointed ears, so much body hair, the pinkish toned skin and big bulging cartoon like blue eyes I’ve had my entire life! I can’t believe it!! I’ve always looked a bit different than others. Now I know why”

Jeopardy: “ Yep, now you know. I hate to cut this short but I have a crew to take care of and toys to make, our times is crucial”

Me: “I understand. And thank you for your time. Can I stay a bit longer , work on some toys and get to know my family?”

Jeopardy: “ Yes and this will always be your home. You will live many years longer and retire here some day. We are glad to have you.”

Me: “ I’m glad to have you too! This is crazy! I’m an elf!!!!!!”

The one true ring had been destroyed in the fire and fury of Mordor, and the age of elves in Middle Earth had come to an end. Along with Gandalf, Frodo, and Bilbo, the elves set forth west over the sea to the land of Aman. The third age of Middle Earth was now history.

Gandalf knew that life would be different, as he was aware of the true nature of Valinor. It was cold and barren. A snow-covered wasteland at the uppermost pole of the Earth. His powers had grown exponentially when he had become the white wizard. Yet none knew of the final evolution of wizards. Not even Gandalf understood what was to come, for no wizard had transcended into another realm beyond the white wizards. It had been prophesized that when the white wizard returned to Valinor, his powers would amplify once more and he would become a new force of nature.

Gandalf was afraid. Would he become an evil lord in the same manner as the vanquished witch-king Sauron? Before this pending transformation, Gandalf was unable to envision his new destiny. He meditated through his last days as a white wizard, giving himself up to the prospect of being reborn again.

Immediately after disembarking from the elven ship, the last thing Gandalf the White gazed upon was the brilliant green ribbon of light in the sky that appeared to be flowing through time and space. He fell into a deep trance and left the mortal plane once more as he had done on the peaks of the Misty Mountains.

Time beyond thought passed, and when Gandalf regained awareness, he was wearing a red suit with a wide black belt held together by a shiny gold buckle. The white fur on his hat was warm and lovely. Elrond was there to greet Gandalf, along with the other elves. They were decked in vestments of red and green with little slippers on their feet that curled up at the toes. They were all so happy to see him stir again, and roused a big cheer. Elrond offered a toast with a creamy yellowish-tan drink for the return of his friend. To Gandalf, it all seemed to be very jolly and gay.

While Gandalf had been undergoing his metamorphosis, the elves had built a small city of houses, shops, and factories. There were red and white striped street markers and ornamented evergreen trees everywhere. And the lights! Rivendell never twinkled like this! It looked so beautiful with the backdrop of gently falling flakes on the snow-covered rooftops. Frodo and Bilbo turned the corner riding in a happy, jingling sleigh.

"Gandalf!" Shouted Frodo. " How I have missed you!"

Bilbo added, "We have been busy since you left us, Gandalf. The elves have built a new paradise."

Elrond spoke up next, declaring "Gandalf the Red has finally arrived!" A huge ovation arose among the elves and the roar filled the streets and alleyways of the town.

"We have a new mission," Elrond directed to Gandalf. All the elves sushed each other until there was an expecting silence. "And it starts with you, fair and fine wizard."

Elrond paused and smiled fondly at Gandalf. "From now on, you are no longer Gandalf the Red. You shall be known forever more in this fourth age of men and beyond, as... Santa Claus!"