RAT
I fucking hate this place so much. I'm miserable and dead inside.
I feel like a hamster on a wheel, never ending and when I try to stop I just get flattened to the ground by the force that I've made myself. Like a rat trapped in a box with only poison to eat. And I'm eating fully knowing it's killing me, because I don't know what else to do.
My memory
I cling to things like memories.
It's feels like l've had a lobotomy, so if I get rid of it, that memory is lost.
My brain can't seem to hold on to memories without a constant reminder.
It feels like l've had a lobotomy, wait didn't I say that already?
This makes me think if I lost everything that I own, I wouldn't remember my past and forget who I was.
Childhood.
I wish… I wish I could go back to being a kid. To when I didn’t stress over everyday life or what I was going to do in the future. My only worries were where I left my toy last or what I wanted for lunch, (which was usually mac and cheese).
Every summer it was in the hundreds, but I didn’t care, all I cared about was playing in the mud after cooling off with the hose. My neighbor's kids would come over to play and we’d pretend to sell mud pies at a store, creating a checkout of an old tub and a chair. Who knew we’d grow up despising that very action that used to bring us so much joy?
I remember climbing trees and getting in trouble every single time I did it, but that did little to stop me, it was like a world of my own up there. I’d sometimes lay in the branches looking up at the pale blue sky as the breeze swept cool air over me and just almost felt like I was flying. It wasn’t till I would almost fall out of the tree that id realized I had fallen asleep.
I remember being able to watch my favorite shows without feeling a constant dread like I should be doing something else. Taking naps after playing too long instead of working too long. Eating a big bowl of ice cream and not thinking about how it might make me fat.
It is a cruel torcher to know such joy and peace just to have to have the passage of time rip it away from you. How cruel it is to know you can never find such peace again simply because your own brain won't allow you.
I wish I could go back to simpler times and smile at the flowers again.
Heart beat
As I sunk down into the water I felt surrounded by a warmth. it was so quiet, and for once, I didn’t hate the sound of my heartbeat. Thumping away in my chest. It was the only thing I focused on. A steady rhythm that reminded me. I was alive. I was there. Strong and powerful as it pumped my blood through out my body.
Far different from the frantic shallow thumps that constantly bombarded my every waking moment.
