To The Brother I’ll Never Know
I was just a baby when our father left my mother for yours
But I didn’t hold that against you
I was supposed to have your name, you know
His first-born son
But I came out a girl so he picked another
I will always hate that name, but I never hated you
Our father first contacted me after I turned 18
He left you and your sister soon after
Your loss was much greater than mine
At least that’s what I assumed
When your mother contacted me on behalf of your sister
I knew you didn’t want to meet me
I didn’t blame you
I didn’t want to meet you either
Now that you’re gone, I can’t help but mourn
Mourn for your mother
Mourn for your sister
Mourn for what could have been
Because, though I‘ve never admitted it
I thought often about the day I would meet you
I thought of how it would feel to meet a piece of me
How it would feel to meet the first piece of him
I thought of what you would be like
Imagined you strong, funny, and kind
I wondered if I’d cry
And also wondered why I would
I imaged you had all the things I was missing
A father
A family
Happy childhood memories
But that’s not quite fair
I don’t know what you went through
I don’t know what hurt you
I don’t know what made you you
But I wanted to
How had you lived your life?
So similar yet different from mine?
I thought how we would talk and then go on to be nothing after
Just as we were nothing before
Life had tied us together
But we were never connected
And now we never will be
I mourn because I will never know you.