The happy guy

A: i think I’m depressed.

B: oh. Sorry to hear that. Depressed about what?

A: what’s not to be depressed about.

B: well..give me a clue.

A: my nose is big.

B: so what? My nose is big too.

A: just an example.

B: an example of what?

A: my being depressed..(sighs)

B: oh yeah...well what else?

A: i think don’t have a large penis.

B: look...I’m not going to check.. but Lydia talked to me yesterday, she is always nasty. Your name never came up. I promise..

A:doesn’t prove anything.

B:sure it does. If there was something bad to say, she would say it. And...

A: how would she know?

B:you guys were together for a while.

A:never did anything. Were.

B:what?

A:were.

B:were what?

A:were together. Past tense. We WERE together.

B:ah...sorry.

A:so anyway...

B:you’re depressed.

A:yes.

B:want to tell me more?

A:I may be gay.

B:why do you think that...i mean, it’s perfectly ok if you are.

A:not in my position.

B: why do you think your gay, anyway?

A:i had this dream.

B:so... Dream about a guy? It’s normal. Everyone gets ambivalent sometimes.

A:I’m gay, i have a big nose and a small Johnson. I’m so depressed.

B:you really are getting strange. You can pick out anything to be depressed about. From all the things, this is what you chose? Not even bad things.

A:so things like what?

B:no. Not going to help you wallow. Let’s get a drink. Or is that too depressing for you too?

A: it is, actually. I don’t think i should.

B:medical reason?

A:no. I just feel everyone laughing at me down at the pub. Even Ernie.

B:Ernie laughs at everybody.

A: not at you he don’t.

B:he feels ashamed . you know...

A:what?

B:oh...you know...you know..

A:no i don’t.. what happened? Show me on the doll wherebthe mean guybtouched you..

B: fine...remember my dog?, Schwarzenegger?

A: yeah...poor guy...

B:Ernie did that.

A:shut up!

B:yeah...with his fucking Mazda.

A: i thought he had a VW?

B:yes...ever since...

A:geez...sorry. I didn't know. Fine..let's go get a drink. I just brought up that thing.

B: no. No...it's ok. You're depressed, happens to everybody.

A:you know what? I was really wrong about all these things. So what if i have.. If I'm... You know...

B:exactly. It's not the thing that makes you depressed it's the depression that gives you the things To Be depressed about.

A:and what if I'm really gay?

B:it's ok. You'll be ok. Just don't be such a let down and someone may actually like you.

A:what do you mean 'let down'?

B:did i say let down? I meant something else...eh..

A:no. You said let down. I disappointed you somehow.

B:i didn't mean anything even remotely like that.

A: yeah you did. I'm a let down for you.

B: ough. Listen you're just running around in circles, trying to justify why you're feeling depressed.

A:no I'm not. I'm running in circles trying to find out what did i do, that dissapoints you so much..

B:you didn't and don't catch me at my words like that.. Becau..

A:because they show me who you really are?

B:what!?

A: you know what i mean! Everytime you hit a moment where your rational clashes with how you really feel you get these slips.

B: no I don't.

A: oh. You just protested that I'm catching you at your words. Catching you with you're pants down. Stop hiding, and tell me.

B:really?! Is that what you want? Is that what you really want?!..Mr 'boohoo...I'm depressed... Boohoo ...i think I'm gay..' Actually, i did have a Freudian slip. You're not a let down. You're just a drag, Buddy. Get your shit together. If you can't do it personally, then you can come to me. But it's 2 o'c-fucking-lock in the morning. I just have another three more hours to go before i need to get up. You whine, and you don't even have the decency to go have a drink?!

Shave!, get a job!, get out there.. Boy or girl is both fine...just do stuff. Don't ...drape your self over the sofa and eat yourself up, like you do.

A:geez, i didn't know I'm pissing you off so much. I was feeling terrible, and i was thinking i could talk to someone... You know...instead of eating some pills. But excuuuuuuse me for living...(starts to walk away)

B:hang on, hang on...look. Come in. Let's get that drink...talk about stuff.

A:don't do me any favors.

B: no. I'll even order pizza if you want. We'll sit and talk...

A:i think you're so full of it..

B:no. Just suddenly hungry. Come in. It's cold.

A: hungry for pizza? Now? Two AM?

B:greasier the better. Meat lover's...

A:oh..fine...Actually ...it does sound good suddenly in a sleazy kind of way..but I'm paying for the pizza.

B:of course you are. Just don't ...yeah..here you go again..are you ok? you always hit your nose on the doorframe..