Security at a Price

No shakes or anxiety. No sense of nervousness and definitely no self-doubt. Fear is not my friend anymore, I left him to lay there in the bed I forced myself out of. It's been almost an entire year since I left my hometown and I still want to give up some days. Two days into this new year and I was faced with two choices. I could go home and start over, or pawn the car and secure a new place to live in the city I am still not comfortable in. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I was dying where I was allowed to keep doing the same things day by day. I had nobody to call me out. My friends were not telling me that I was lacking new experiences. I drank or slept when I wasn't at work. That's not living by any measure, just walking around numb and senseless, I may as well have met my grave early.

This world, the people in it, they don't care unless you show them why they should. People have only ever acknowledged me when I was doing something more than practicing invisibility. I can assure you it's not that difficult to go unseen. All one has to do is never leave the house. I did it and nobody sent out a search party. They knew where I was and it didn't matter. If anyone wants to know, the only thing that saved me was the idea that maybe, just maybe, I had something else to aim for than reaching the bottom of the bottle. I had bigger dreams than the man across the pool table in the bar. I knew if I left home I would realize I had not yet been there.

The only home I had ever known was the one that was provided to me, not the one I crafted for myself. Floors made of ambition, windows made of the thought that I would not always be sitting behind them, paint on the walls mixed from the colors of the daydreams I knew could be more than confined to the inside of my skull. I pawned my car. I live in another house. How many houses have I lived in? Too many to count. The difference between those ones and this one, is I gave up everything I knew before to have stability.

Sometimes the things that are the most secure, are the ones you can't see if you run back to the place you came from.

#newbeginnings #freshstart #nofear #keepmoving #forward #pushyourlimits #challengeyourself #domore #findhappiness #chasetheunknown