I know you can read my mind and even if you couldn't my eyes would say it for me.

I haven't seen you in months and I don't bother to try reaching out.

I know what I feel and I know you don't know how to feel.

Don't try, just listen.

You are the centerpiece of art that decorates the walls of my mind.

Every time I see someone wearing yellow I turn to see if it could be you.

It never is but that doesn't mean I won't still look.

Nobody forgets how their person made them warm inside.

If you never come back around to me,

and if I never hear your voice again,

please know that every time I told you I loved you

and didn't hear anything back,

it didn't matter.

Every time it happened I'd feel various parts of me shatter,

but I glue myself back together in hopes that someday,

you'll tell me I was always your missing piece.

-Emily Vickers

Wake up,

the same four white walls are calling you from the place where you are with them.

Wake up,

the day will begin and you will open your eyes to a bed but no second body.

Wake up,

your coffee will taste like coffee and nothing more and putting on your face for the day

will feel like a task too difficult to endure.

Wake up,

the world outside demands your patience when you haven't been held in ages.

Your mind will never leave them, and your heart will always beat the syllables of their name.

Your soul will feel like half a home,

like a structure without a foundation.

Wake up,

there are streets to drive where you will search for them on every corner

and grocery stores to hope you will run in to them,

and lunches to be had alone in your car,

and places to be until the day is done.

Now sleep,

the moon sits above you and the light comes in through the window and the stars hear your deepest wishes but don't shoot across the sky like you wish they would.

Wishes don't always come true,

but 11:11 will always happen,

and your wish will always be them.

-Emily Vickers

#lovehurts #missingyou #tired #dreams #sad #emotion

I stopped looking at the scale and started looking at myself. What do I see when I look in the mirror? More importantly, what do I want to see? Is the reflection I stare at one that is more concerned with vanity, or with being an example of a warm smile and strong heart? There is more to living than money, and more to love than good looks. I don't want to be the girl who is more concerned with my physical appearance than I am with knowledge, making art, and reading good books.

My alarm goes off at eight a.m.. I open my eyes to the same four walls. I dismiss the alarm, roll over, and fall back asleep. By ten a.m. my body aches from intentional lack of movement. I wanted to stay under the covers until that seemed worse than getting out of bed. I roll over and my dog is the only one who is happy I'm awake. I look at his sweet face and put on my shoes. He wants to go to the park, I don't, but I take him anyways. It's not his fault I'm always so tired.

I go to work and everything is in slow motion on the way there. The city is bustling and everyone is hustling, but the only thing I want to hurry towards is being back in the silence of my home. I watch the cars pass by and stare up at the building and think to myself "your day has only just begun, keep it together." The definition of together is a smile, no matter how forced, and my take care of elderly people voice.

I showered today. I brushed my teeth. I'm not saying those things because I want a medal. I'm saying them because those two simple tasks seem like climbing a mounatin when you barely have the energy to look in the mirror.

Depression is a wave which I have not let learned to ride. I've been stuck under it for most of my life, and only here and there have I managed to catch a deep enough breath of fresh air to keep swimming.

@Dream.

There is a field of sunflowers that grows in the summer seven miles or so outside of town.

Thousands of them, their little golden bodies sway in the wind back and forth and without saying a word they speak to the people who come to walk amongst them. During the golden hour, the sun kisses their petals and the fields all turn the color of serenity. The silence that envelops the green valley leading into the canyon where all the hometown kids go to have bonfires says that sometimes happiness is not being busy. Happiness in its' purest form is that field of sunflowers, a few close friends, and a sunset. Happiness is the way the sun strokes each strand of your best friends' hair just for you to watch, and to see it pool in her brown eyes turning them to honey pots. Happiness is nothing, but everything. No money to buy flowers, but enough open fields to grow endless gardens. Happiness is the way you feel when you are not attached to your problems, but the things that make your problems melt away. Sun kissed summer skin, a slight breeze, and the sounds of birds singing in the early evening.

#Summer #sunkissed #happiness #simple #simplicity #nature #love #friends

No shakes or anxiety. No sense of nervousness and definitely no self-doubt. Fear is not my friend anymore, I left him to lay there in the bed I forced myself out of. It's been almost an entire year since I left my hometown and I still want to give up some days. Two days into this new year and I was faced with two choices. I could go home and start over, or pawn the car and secure a new place to live in the city I am still not comfortable in. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I was dying where I was allowed to keep doing the same things day by day. I had nobody to call me out. My friends were not telling me that I was lacking new experiences. I drank or slept when I wasn't at work. That's not living by any measure, just walking around numb and senseless, I may as well have met my grave early.

This world, the people in it, they don't care unless you show them why they should. People have only ever acknowledged me when I was doing something more than practicing invisibility. I can assure you it's not that difficult to go unseen. All one has to do is never leave the house. I did it and nobody sent out a search party. They knew where I was and it didn't matter. If anyone wants to know, the only thing that saved me was the idea that maybe, just maybe, I had something else to aim for than reaching the bottom of the bottle. I had bigger dreams than the man across the pool table in the bar. I knew if I left home I would realize I had not yet been there.

The only home I had ever known was the one that was provided to me, not the one I crafted for myself. Floors made of ambition, windows made of the thought that I would not always be sitting behind them, paint on the walls mixed from the colors of the daydreams I knew could be more than confined to the inside of my skull. I pawned my car. I live in another house. How many houses have I lived in? Too many to count. The difference between those ones and this one, is I gave up everything I knew before to have stability.

Sometimes the things that are the most secure, are the ones you can't see if you run back to the place you came from.

#newbeginnings #freshstart #nofear #keepmoving #forward #pushyourlimits #challengeyourself #domore #findhappiness #chasetheunknown