cheated and cheater

Infidelity.

'Cheater', the word cries.

'Unfaithful', 'untrustworthy', it screams.

'Betrayer' is the name the letters throw at my face.

'Disloyal, that is what you are', they point.

I am accused of these.

And all these accusations would not be wrong.

For all of this and more is what I am.

But I have not acted with or against anyone else.

I have not been with one behind another's back.

I have not acted detestably towards anyone I know.

I have not even gossiped or lied about a friend.

No, not even that.

Not this time.

This time it was myself.

Against myself, I have committed all of these crimes.

I allowed your curious hands to cross my boundaries and go where they should not have been.

It was against my own body, my own mind, my own soul that I committed the offense.

I cheated on myself,

Even if it was your fingers on my skin, your body next to mine.

I was unfaithful to the lines I drew,

Untrustworthy was my will and strength in keeping myself until I was fully ready to give myself away.

I betrayed my own trust, and now I can't be alone with someone without being afraid of what might happen.

It was against myself that I was disloyal, against my whole being.

I broke the vows and promises I made to myself.

I whispered I was fine when I wanted to scream and make it stop.

I lied to you when I said I was ok and I lied to myself thinking I could be.

My lips betrayed me when I needed them most.

My body froze when I needed it to push me away from you and you away from me.

To push us away from each other.

Now I feel both the shame and regret of the cheater,

As well as the pain and deception of the cheated.

And maybe I deserve both...

Maybe I deserve both.