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Together? Forever.
I love how your hand
Fits perfectly in mine.
When I am with you,
I lose all sense of time.
The world falls away,
Pain, hurt, and worries too.
There is nothing on this earth
I wouldn’t do for you.
I would live in a box,
I don’t care where we might be,
As long as I know
I’ll have you with me.
You’ve shown such immense love,
Care, compassion, and respect.
The well of your heart,
It has an unending depth.
You always put me first,
Even though I don’t deserve it.
I’m constantly, and will forever be,
Amazed it’s you I get.
You handle my freak outs,
My demons, my past,
And the plague of insecurities
That sneak up so fast.
Through the doubts in my mind,
The paranoia and pain,
You never make me feel crazy
Or question what’s in my brain.
You pay attention when I speak,
You listen to every word,
But you don’t just hear me,
You make me feel heard.
With you I am at peace
And your hugs they give me life.
I so very much look forward
To the day I become your wife.
Every compliment you give,
Every word that you say,
I wholeheartedly believe
And in my head they replay.
You make me feel safe.
You make me feel protected.
You give me more than hoped,
So much more than I ever expected.
You’ve proven it all,
Time and time again.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
I know this love will never end.
I adore you more than words,
Even more than life itself.
With you here in my world,
There is an immeasurable wealth.
I will try my best to show you
That I am not going anywhere,
That I will always, always, always,
Always, be there.
So, my love,
It’s clear our love has no measure,
And we will be...
Together,
Forever.
Change
You used to be everything I wanted
You used to be everything I needed
You once made me feel so alive
Talking to you always made me happier
Seeing you always made my day
But you changed
Or I changed
Or we both changed
Maybe now
I am just beginning to see the real you
Maybe now
I am not blinded by my infatuation
By my hope that you were different
By my desire to only see the good in you
Maybe now
I am truly allowing myself to see your wrongs
The things about you I know are toxic
The traits I mistakenly believed you possessed
Maybe now
You are not acting out of your own infatuation
No matter how momentary it was
Or how shallow and flimsy it turned out to be
Maybe now
I am seeing the you that everyone else sees
The naive and flawed human being that you are
Instead of the perfect superhuman I wished for
Maybe now
I am finally beginning to see the real you
But when was it that you saw the real me
And realized
That I was not what you wanted?
When did I change
From someone you said you couldn’t live without
From someone you promised you would never hurt
To someone you could forget?
To someone you could break?
When did I change
From someone you vowed you would always believe in and support
From someone you swore you would never leave
To someone not worth fighting for?
To someone not worth waiting for?
When did the truth stop mattering to you?
When did how I felt turn into something that meant nothing to you?
I wish I could know
I wish you would tell me
But I’m not sure I will ever understand
Because I’m not sure if I will ever even ask you
I will forever live with these questions
I will forever be left in this state of not knowing
I thought you were everything I wanted
I thought you were everything I needed
But I guess I was wrong
Because what I really wanted
What I truly needed above anything else
Was just to be wanted
To be needed
And now I know that you don’t want me
And you don’t need me
You changed
Or I changed
Or we both changed
And I still can’t tell if it is for the better
cheated and cheater
Infidelity.
'Cheater', the word cries.
'Unfaithful', 'untrustworthy', it screams.
'Betrayer' is the name the letters throw at my face.
'Disloyal, that is what you are', they point.
I am accused of these.
And all these accusations would not be wrong.
For all of this and more is what I am.
But I have not acted with or against anyone else.
I have not been with one behind another's back.
I have not acted detestably towards anyone I know.
I have not even gossiped or lied about a friend.
No, not even that.
Not this time.
This time it was myself.
Against myself, I have committed all of these crimes.
I allowed your curious hands to cross my boundaries and go where they should not have been.
It was against my own body, my own mind, my own soul that I committed the offense.
I cheated on myself,
Even if it was your fingers on my skin, your body next to mine.
I was unfaithful to the lines I drew,
Untrustworthy was my will and strength in keeping myself until I was fully ready to give myself away.
I betrayed my own trust, and now I can't be alone with someone without being afraid of what might happen.
It was against myself that I was disloyal, against my whole being.
I broke the vows and promises I made to myself.
I whispered I was fine when I wanted to scream and make it stop.
I lied to you when I said I was ok and I lied to myself thinking I could be.
My lips betrayed me when I needed them most.
My body froze when I needed it to push me away from you and you away from me.
To push us away from each other.
Now I feel both the shame and regret of the cheater,
As well as the pain and deception of the cheated.
And maybe I deserve both...
Maybe I deserve both.
One with the monsters
My heart is black
And my body is numb
My mind is frozen
And my soul is gone
The monsters are free
And the demons are out
The ghosts are haunting
And the devil is running about
So you better run
You better hide
Cause I can't keep
All these things inside
The darkness is spreading
Swallowing everything around me
In its deep dark hole
So please go on
And leave me be
You gotta trust
That this is for your safety
The light has disappeared
And the ground is freezing over
Killing everything it touches
I am becoming what I am scared of most
The monsters and demons
I try to be free from
We are becoming one
Replaced
This loneliness beats in my chest where my heart used to lie
I breathe in the emptiness letting it fill my lungs like oxygen
The darkness runs through my veins where there once was blood
I have demons in my mind
Ghosts in my soul
And monsters in my heart
Soon they will all be that is left of me
In the Middle
My whole life
I have always been in the middle
Always simply the mediocre
Never one thing or the other
Never one extreme or the other
Never the girly girl or the tomboy
Never the pretty one or the ugly one
Never the sweetheart or the bully
Never the mute or the chatterbox
Never the smart one or the dumb one
Never the prude or the flirt
Never the most thoughtful or thoughtless
Never the best or the worst at anything
Never the loneliest or the most popular
Never the strongest or the weakest
Never the fastest or the slowest
Never the happiest or the saddest
Never the most hopeful or hopeless
Never the rule follower or the rule breaker
Never the biggest help or burden
Never the most useful or useless
Never the energetic one or the dull one
Never the brave one or the coward
Never the least or most traumatized
Never the one with the easiest or hardest life
Never the most grounded or aloof
Never the most truthful or dishonest
Never the selfless one or the selfish one
Never the believer or the doubter
Never the sane one or the crazy one
Never the least or the most screwed up
Never black or white
Always only all grey
I have always been just the normal one
The one in between
I have always been simply
There
Nothing head turning
Nothing spectacular
Nothing noticeable
Nothing interesting
Nothing memorable
Nothing noteworthy
Nothing special
I fade into the background
If life were a play
I would be in the ensemble
No one in the audience would see or care
Whether I was present or not
I disappear
I become invisible
I am invisible
Will I ever be anything else?
Will I ever be anything more
Than this?
Than me?
Cat and Mouse
I wasn’t worth it
Worth waiting for
Worth dealing with
Worth the effort
Worth the work
It felt like you simply played with my heart
You were the cat and I was the mouse
But once I ran away
You didn’t bother chasing after me
Because I wasn’t worth your time or energy
You quickly moved on
To what next grabbed your attention
I don’t know what to think anymore
I don’t know what to trust
You make these assurances
And speak these promises
But how am I to believe you
When all I can see is a cat
Playing games with a mouse
And getting bored
Just when it all started
Just as connections were being made
Just as attachments were being formed
Or am I all backwards with everything
Was I the issue
Was I really the cat
And you the mouse
Was I chasing you
Not realizing
Not caring
That you were running away
Was I only seeing what I wanted
What I hoped to be true
Instead of seeing reality
I never thought
I never imagined
That I would be here
Feeling such conflicting emotions
Wanting so badly to be mad
To hate you
To blame you
But knowing deep down that I never could
Because there is too much love
Too much care
Too many feelings
For me to ever see you as the bad guy
Which leaves me
The only other option for fault
The only one left to take the guilt
And I will
It is almost an automatic response for me now
So many have played these games with me
With my heart
With my head
With everything and anything I offer up
I thought you were different
I hoped you were different
But I guess I was wrong
Once again
I guess I just expected too much
From you
From everyone around me
From the world
I want people to prove
That they are angels
That they are saviors
That they are something they are not
And could never be
And I know they can’t be those things
But I wish for it all the same
Too many times have these games been played
Too many times have I been taken advantage of
Too many times have I been lied to
Too many times have I been not told the full truth
Too many times
Too many damn times
I don’t want these games anymore
I don’t want any of this anymore
The only solution
Is to not play
So I quit
If there is no mouse alive to play with
The cat can entertain itself elsewhere
And if there is no cat alive needing amusement
The mouse can freely live
Either way
Whether I am the mouse
Or the cat
The only answer
The only way to fix this
Is ceasing to exist
Predictable
I knew this would happen
I even told you this would happen
The more you get to know me
And the deeper you fall into my darkness
And the more of my disturbed mind you see
The more you pull away
And the more helpless you feel
And the more scared of me you become
I knew this would happen
Because it always does
I knew this would happen
Because people are predictable
They genuinely believe
That they will stay forever
That their opinion of me won't change
That they will always love me
That they will always care
They genuinely believe it
But believing something doesn't make it true
They ignore reality
They refuse to see the truth
And I foolishly believe along with them
I put my trust in their blind faith
That only amounts to my downfall
That only ends in me being broken
I knew this would happen
Because life is predictable
And so are people
I knew this would happen
Because it always does
Always wanted
I have always wanted
And hoped
And wished
To receive little notes
To be made handcrafted gifts
To be given personal mixtapes
To be thrown a surprise party
To be randomly visited
To be called just to hear my voice
To be told good morning and good night
To be leant clothing that smells like them
To be missed so much it hurts
To be sought after
To be desired above all else
To be a first priority
To be wanted more than anything
I have always hoped
Always wished
Always wanted
But I doubt it will ever come true
Eggshells
It feels like I have to walk on eggshells now
Like I am balancing on a very thin edge
Teetering on a tightrope
Between losing you and having you stay
I screwed up so many things
I crossed bridges that weren’t meant to be crossed
And then burned them afterwards
I keep hoping and asking for forgiveness
Even though I know I don’t deserve it
I should have treated you better
I should have been more understanding
I should have been kinder
I should have expected less
I should have been less selfish
But I was all of those things
And I continue to be all of those things
I try not to be but I don’t know how
You said you don’t like hard conversations
So I will avoid them altogether
I will be happy
I will put on a face for you
Because I am afraid
That my darkness will push you away again
That you will see me the way I see me
That you will hate me the way I hate me
I want everything to go back to the way it was
Back to when you could always make me smile
Back to when you were always there
Back to when I never doubted your love for me
Back to when I didn’t feel so alone
I wish I could just live in those few weeks forever
Those were the happiest times of my life
But I don’t think it will ever return to that again
I don’t think our friendship will ever be able to feel like that again
I have ruined too much
I have caused too much pain
It is my fault that everything is like this
It always seems to be my fault
Are you walking on eggshells around me?
It feels like you are
We are in this dance
It is disjointed and awkward and uncomfortable
We tiptoe around each other
Shying away from the ugly
Steering clear of the painful
Pretending that everything is ok
That all is healed
When it’s obvious the opposite is true
I wish I had a magic wand to mend what I clearly have destroyed
But I don’t
All I can do is continue to move as slowly as possible
And as little and as quietly as I can manage
So that I don’t scare you off
So that I don’t lose you forever