The Cycle
I hate you because I don’t understand you.
I hate you because you don’t understand me.
I hate you because you created me.
I hate you for wishing that you didn’t.
I hate you because it’s easier.
I hate you, because it’s the only thing you taught me to do.
Besides hate myself.
You hate me, because you hate yourself.
And the cycle continues...
Most Fall.
Too much digital input to take.
Not sure when asleep, if really awake.
Dark circles encircling my circles of view.
Aiming for Neptune, but hitting the moon.
Pushing down pain that never let go.
Pulling up daydreams, still full of young hope.
Wishing still one day I’ll drink from the grail.
Yet knowing that day has long since set sail.
A young man’s game, the rules I still seek.
A lifetime’s rainbows chased, no tongue and no cheek.
I’d smile if you felt me, I’d like for a like.
I’d open my heart again, and hand you the knife.
Yet no, it’s not all such doom.
Yet empty vapours, I mostly consume.
Hunting down something, a feeling long gone.
Ripping at veils hiding the one...
True meaning;
There is no mean thing.
Just people and power, poverty and prosperity.
Imposing fear lost from wishful,
Youth and it’s lies, parental disguise.
Mistrust of it all.
Some rise, most fall.
Three: Where are you?
Max couldn't stop wondering whether or not he should tell his father about the threat. His dad didn't have the money, Max was sure, and he didn't even know how much his father owed. Worse, if he did tell his dad, it would be taken out on Max himself.
He wanted to give his father some time to prepare, but the consequences were too great. Max decided to kept the threat to himself.
He got up the next morning on time and delivered all of the papers. School was unexceptional. He was distracted by his worry and couldn't focus at all. He was glad when it was finally over.
Max put away his bike and entered the mobile home. He would only grab a snack and then meet Leon at the skate park. He would probably stay there for a while to keep out of his father's hands.
Max pushed open the door and flinched away. His father stood in the doorway, leering. "Jared told me about the new 'deadline.'" Max looked up at him fearfully. "This is your fault, you know. It's because of you he feels like he can threaten me."
Max's heart was in his throat as the monster pointed a meaty finger. "Because. Of. You." Max recognized the look on his father's face only to well. He whipped around and bolted, but his father grabbed a handful of the back of his shirt and dragged him back. Max slumped, knowing it was over.
Max curled into a ball under his father's touch, muttering no protests. The monster laughed, his voice booming, and held Max up to punch him in the face. The punch connected with Max's cheek and he closed his eyes. Another hit his jaw and he reached up to cover his face. The punches were hard and precise, not like when his father was drunk. It was almost better when he was drunk.
The monster threw Max to the floor and kicked him in the ribs, over and over until Max sobbed. Pain was crossing his body in a million directions. Something gave way and Max had to bite his cheek to keep from screaming.
He sighed with relief as blackness began to seep into the edges of his vision. A few kicks later, when the pain was almost unbearable, he finally passed out.
Ten hours later
His phone buzzed in his pocket. He groaned. It kept buzzing, even when Max angrily told it to shut up. How did it even survive the assault? Max shook his head. He barely felt like he'd survived.
Max blearily opened his eyes. He was laying on his side in the living room. Everything flooded back at once. His body ached horribly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.
He checked the screen. It was one a.m. Max had thirty-seven notifications. One was from Jordan, and the rest from Leon.
Jordan (2:40): Are you ignoring me?
Leon (3:10): You're ten minutes late bro. Lateness is a vice ;)
Leon (3:40): I don't need to be stood up by you and Natalie in the same week
Leon (4:10): ok seriously where are you
Leon (5:25): I left the skate park. P.S. are you alright?
Leon (6:40): Max?
Max flipped the phone shut and thought about what had happened. Chances were, his father was out gambling and chasing his loses. That meant he was safe for the time being. He pushed himself up, going as slowly as possible.
He took stock of his injuries. His face would bruise, but it'd be alright. The kicks had done more damage, though. The cut on his stomach had begun to gush blood and at least one rib was cracked. He had to breathe shallowly.
As far as he could tell, he would be sore, but only the rib and cut would cause any problems. He pushed himself up, forcing himself not to scream and to stay conscious, and walked to the bathroom. He looked at his body in the mirror. It was one of worst times, for sure. He looked like death warmed over. He was bleeding from several small cuts and the bruises were already starting to come in.
He took an incredibly painful shower, watching the water turn pink as it ran down the drain. As he sat there, he started to think. If his father didn't kill him, Jared would. This could be his only chance to leave.
He'd thought about it before, but where would he go? What would he do? It was only April—it would've been better to wait for the summer, when no adults would be suspicious of a kid out during school time. But waiting was a luxury he did not have.
Max laid down on the bed. He charged his phone and set an alarm for three hours, giving himself some resting time before he had to get started. He was terrified, but enough was enough. It was time to leave.
Wreckage.
Amidst all the chaos,
Raging in my head;
Here I sit between the wreckage.
All those thorns in front of me,
Do they really prickle?
I can no longer tell.
Sensations all feel the same,
Yesterday the hurt was strong;
Even now theres a tingle.
But all its strength just seeped out,
To where even I don't know.
That buzzing noise,
Where before wasn't so relevant,
Now its sound is extremely loud.
What do I have to do?
To just shut away,
All those voices that ridicule,
Who really has the power,
To stop me if I decided to,
Finally get up and actually.
Fight for what I want.
To my own
Don’t waste time resisting what you can’t change.
Don’t worry about what you’ve become, you can always become something else.
Don’t hate those who have harmed you, their harm was nature’s way of getting them out of your life and making you stronger.
At the end of everyday reach the point of gratitude and giving that if you died in your sleep you’d be happy you’d done and seen enough.
Never, ever, ignore those who need your love, for one day you’ll need theres.
Fear nothing except that the fear that keeps you progressing.
Never, ever, ever give up on what makes you feel alive.