The Itch

Kayla was scratching herself because she had an itch. Being able to get rid of the itch would make her one happy dog.My warm, cuddly miniature pinscher/chiuhua mix that I doted on and loved since the day we got her. I’ve always been a dog lover. I, on the other hand had a different kind of itch that manifested over several months ago.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had been the one that fantasized about who my husband would be and what would make me happy. The pursuit of happiness. It was my next prority to making first chair in the All District band for flute and my academia. Lately, I have learned quite a lesson in things that seem different than they really are and I’m a middle-aged woman. We always learn things in life and sometimes it takes us being knocked down several times to see just what it is and cursed with ultimatums by our spouse.

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years come March 8th of this year. Four days after my birthday, of which I will turn 35. I did that on purpose so that him and I wouldn’t forget our anniversary . For some time now, we’ve had our ups and downs , but we’ve always struggled with communication primarily. There were certain behaviors that really just bugged us both. Kevin crawled under my skin just like I got under his. His happiness was trying to please me and make sure that I was a happy wife. ” Happy wife, happy life”, was the motto he had learned as a young boy himself. In the beginning we were so in love that we emmersed ourselves in that and it was the honeymoon phase, but it was going to be over before I knew it. Then it would be time to face the routine of life. Everyone warned us that if we weren’t careful we would end up too comfortable and end up living like companions instead of the lovers that we should have been.

We both had heard of the seven year itch , but I guess I was the one that suffered.I am so fortunate that my husband asn’t bit with the bug. The bug of leaving me and moving back with his family and making me survive. The many times that I had broken his heart during dating as well, when I didn’t feel like we were compatible and right with each other. Time and time again, over and over. I would find some flaws in my marriage and I was the one that tried to go after lust. I wanted to find the guy that I had been introduced to in high school, Trevor. I thought that my happiness was going to be in someone that had dark olive skin, and Italian roots. I found myself going back to the 17 year old that I used to be and wanting to create a fantasy that I knew in my mind wouldn’t exist. The man that I liked really was quite shallow and demeaning and didn’t know how to carry on a converstaion in person and just used diffrent sex tactics to win over women. I thought I’d be different and special, but I was going to end up being lured in to the same situation and I would slowly and surely lose my husband forever of almost 10 years, five dating/engaged and and five married. I felt like I had a ton of filth and I was just wanting the attention of another man since I didn’t feel like my husband fit hte mold. I felt guilty and disgusted, that I had let myself go so low.

Part of what I had experienced was my inadequacy as a woman due to having to have a hysterectomy and then my ovarian tumor removed. I had struggled with feelings of depression, doubt, and just overall overwhelmness and guiltyness with my family. I felt saturated in so many negative emotions that I didn’t know how to get a grip and deal with them. I had so many plans that I had in my future. Things were adding up, our weight gain and darkness in our house , crept into our souls. I felt like Satan was coming in to demolish and suck us dry. We forgot how to love each other and what it meant to talk things out and be excited about being in one another’s presence. We both made excuses that we shouldn’t have made. We both let family in that we shouldn’t have let in to help us and pry into our life. It was our own life. We let too many things influence our love/lack of love and commitment to each other.

Time and time four times over I had left. I promised it would be it and I would be finding happines on the beach with my feet tucked in the sand and crashing to the waves. Happiness in knowing that my laundry would be done by my grandmother who enjoyed taking care of me, and I had later taken advantage of to a degree. My aunt and uncle that gave advice that I didn’t listen to. I was a free spirit and I did my own thing. I thought that happiness would be found in finding my own job , my own way, living in an apartment and being able to be the mom that I wanted to be since my son was in Mississippi. I thought maybe I’d be with Trevor or someone else and just completely throw away the ten years that I had in my life.

We had discussed counseling, but I didn’t think it would be an option. There were so many times that we had listened to no one. I still hadn’t changed much. I was still on facebook and letting all the negativity from the busy bodies of my family, but only because I let them help . My parents, uncle, and aunt,a nd grandmother. I let too much in and influence and my day to day activities became seeing what drama could be stirred up today. I let happiness go away when I started feeling failure of failing my class, regrets of leaving my prior job and even the one I was going to start in Taylorsville. I was close to starting in a week. I let it all go to come back and to try to make things work with counseling and a new persepective and being with each other. I chose to come and learn again about my spouse and from my spouse and to encourage. I slowly became the person that no one in my town could depend on and lost respect from the one elder I called my second mom, my grandma.

I learned what happiness really has been over the past few times that I have left. Happiness is coming to our home as a married couple that we rent and cooking meals and watching a movie together cuddled together. The intimacy of making love over and over again and looking into their eyes and feeling the connection and one in the flesh. It is being in the moment with each other no matter what you do. Happiness is learning compromise and how to talk to your spouse even in the tough times. Conflict has never been good for me to resolve face-to-face and I will have to learn with him so that I can do that other places. I’ve let down family that has supported me so that I could find my own happiness with my husband, my dog, and my own independent life that will hope to include my son. It will be finding a job that I hopefully will embrace and enjoy doing and keep for a long time so that I can feel like I am being productive instead of feeling like a bum in society and relying on everyone else.

Brandon and I are in the most in love that we have been even though it took separating for 3 weeks to show that. I realize that it will take a lot on my part to rekindle the marriage and my ties with my family on both ends and that will come in time, but for now I’m going to learn to enjoy the little things in life and not make so much trivial fuss over stupid things. Life is too short and every day that is given by the Lord I am grateful for. Happiness is a choice that I am choosing to make in 2019 with my God who loves me forever by my side , my husband, and my dog and hopefully in the later future my son Tommy when he comes to live with us.

Goodbye is definitely hard and was so even with my son. Being able to have him with us when we did was some of the best memories in my life. I bawled like a baby because the pursuit of happiness was not allowing myself to cry , but I did over my pre-teen boy leaving with his dad and stepmom.

Pieces of my heart being torn apart by various things and even myself. Happiness is loving myself no matter what.

I count myself lucky and blessed that I have such a forgiving husband that was willing to take me back all the times that I had done him wrong. All the times that I was cowardly and didn't face up to my issues. In the past happiness meant different things to me. When I was a kid it was the Barbie and baby dolls, or a bike, or a video game, and skates. Now, it's things like my husband that has primarily helped to keep shelter over my head and food, clothes, comunication devices such as my phone or the internet, and a vehicle ot drive to where I need and want to go. I guess that 's the way it's supposed to be as you get older, things that make you happy change from material to practical.

However, in the pursuit of happiness my heart is full and happy and I am at peace with the decision that I have made over the past few weeks. I'm happy with the idea of rekindling my marriage and investing the time to be the couple that I had envisioned to be, becauase in all honesty, my husband Kevin is the man I fantasized about more as a kid. Someone that was there and cared about my every need or want. My need to be pleased in whatever way possible and my vision of a man that was tall, and bold, daring both in personality and in physique. My soulmate and companion for life.