Panicked Course
the break up
and I know it doesn’t have to be.
and that makes it even more stuck
inside the theme of itself
I’m dating myself
pulling and gripping
and masturbating and coddling onto myself
throwing affections into air
only the boomerang doesn’t reach me
it’s sucked and funneled into him
and he eats it as if it were guilt.
the taste is guilt
for him
And I knew
the societal method
for keeping him crawling
threats and labels
stringing open a tear
our sustenance to stay alive
I’d like to ask him: “Did you know
that we were never going to be
on the same wave length
the way
I knew?”
We both knew
in our private
and wise quarters
That’s what we were for one another
something for the resume
lessons and courses to complete
“You could’ve found beauty in me”
and I say this
to feel like the good guy
though I do not believe my statement
His mind could never see mine
We are the panic
tempered and moved
solely to secure
spots
in a class
a course on something unique
the panicked mind
starts to reach far
for connections
excuses
landing on desperately common turf
the panicked mind approves the bland connection
good enough
we will peddle to persevere
the panicked mind
lands on places of decency
the panicked mind thinks:
there was something very worth it to me
so worth it
that I will not look over there
continuously we could blind ourselves
to stay a part of it
I begged for him to point out
and notice me
I thought it was within reach
there is no energy towards his regret
he can swipe it clean
it’s cleaner breath now
focused eyes
guilt no longer pummeling
through digestion
he never took off that stoic face
pre-emptive hard work
too ready to expel energy
into something that should give energy
the dressings he needs to be a suitor
leg work
he’s got painful realizations right now
truth about the depths of my distaste
how I don’t really like him all that much
and they’re probably justified
we’re back to our wise corners
the truths
of my unlove
make him panic
back into love
I weakened myself
for his confidence
to bring the parts of him out
that I love
the arrogant mind
doesn’t ask questions
or learn from every passerby
or admit they learn
from every passerby
bless the deliverance, though
thank you, dear universe
a new mixture of feelings and pain
I could never have composed
oh world
never ceasing to deliver
some a freshly unique
new painful dynamic.
intoxicating
pulling me close
but leaving me so distant
a new kind of self I couldn’t fall into
without the grasps of your wraith
and there are feelings that fly in
at the mention of
break ups
and endings
we roam with those
exist from those