Kisses and Chasms
“Kiss me,” she says.
She dares.
My blood stops moving.
My eyes lose focus and cross.
Blink.
I see the chasm
Clear and gaping
Unhidden by the falling snow
We have ignored it for months
Creeping slowly away from each other
Neither one of us wanting
To be near
The other
When its existence was finally mentioned
“I don’t
want to”
words I cannot say
“Do you
love
me?”
words she should not say
I have fallen in
the chasm
She makes no move to help me
She does not move closer
Does not wrap her arms around my chest
Pull my body next to hers
My lips against hers
She does not push me into the snow
Pull my body onto hers
Laughingly press her mouth against mine
Make the choice for me
“I love you so much—”
“—but not in the way you want me to”
I have no other words to explain
When we breathe the same air
My stomach twists
Bile rises in my throat
When she touches me
I no longer feel alive
My fingertips fall away
My chest stops moving
I have no tongue
To voice the words
“stop”
“no”
“please
don’t”
I should want this
This should make me happy
This will make her happy
This is what you do
When you
love someone
I do not want to touch her
I do not want to kiss her
I want to hug her
Feel her heart beat into mine
Let our bodies remind each other
There is
Something alive
And real
Outside of the voices
In our heads
I want to braid her hair
In our half dark house
On mornings that are
Too soft
For speaking
I want to hold her hand
Guide her through crowds and across intersections
Be pulled along by her optimism and joy
Speak in pressure and pulses and prayers
I want to cradle her sleeping head
Twirl her on street corners and around light posts
Feel the crinkles of laughter in her face
And the music in her words
Smell her sweetness in the warmth of her skin
But to her
This
is
not
love
“I’ve never been
like
other
people”
my words do not make sense to her
my words hardly make sense to me
“I didn’t tell you earlier, because I thought you would like me less. You would look at me differently. You wouldn’t want to be my friend.”
Silence
No heartbeat
Silence
No breath
Finally
she speaks
“I never wanted to be friends with you.”
But that’s all I ever wanted from you.
I wanted to be your friend. To love you wholly, completely, platonically. To give you the best love I have, the only love I know how to give.
words I do not say
I do not know how to make her understand.
I do not want to try and use all the words I have and
Still have her not understand
Still have her leave
The voice in my head and I stand alone in a chasm
She looks down
Searching
Unable to find my eyes
And only seeing emptiness
She turns and walks away