THE DEATH OF MY CHILDHOOD

Standing in the bathroom you stared at yourself for hours

I watched you as you slowly died before my eyes, father of skin and bone

It killed me to know I was helpless to stop it

I remember days at the beach the sand so hot you would pick me up

And put me on your shoulders carrying me to the safety of the seas

Cool waters

Riding with you on your bike

The wind in my hair and fear in my heart

Exhilaration mixed with terror

The camping trips, fishing in the dawns light as mist drifted across the water and joy filled my heart

Memories now

Old memories slowly covered with dust as the passing of time erases us forever more

You died the next day, sudden and sharp, cutting out my soul

taking my dreams with you, while staring from cold dead eyes

Your funeral was dark; depressing dying to young, yes for the thousandth time I tell them I am fine, even though everyone knew I wasn’t who would be?

The room so full of whispers “ cancer at 35 so young so tragic “ never once did they mention what he did, never once condoning his actions

In a year they will forget, secretly glad it was my father, and not themselves

There will be someone else to feel sorry for in some other place, another faceless soul to bury with hushed lies amidst rich colored flowers

Loneliness, depression fill my body as I stand in front of your mirror every night, looking to see if a piece of you stayed behind, just a small piece so I don’t forget you

Older now my memories get hazy, sometimes I can’t picture your face

I feel that I have betrayed your memory some how, betrayed the man you once were, betrayed my mothers love for you

Death

Yours and mine

Finding you in the tool shed.

I came to let you know that breakfast was ready, while not knowing of your cancer I knew something wasn’t right

My life died with you that day, to witness so young

My childhood gone forever as I stood staring to scared to look away

Watching

As you slowly swayed like the branches of an old tree in the wind

Mother’s screams going on forever once she realized we had been gone too long

Sometimes I wake at night covered in sweat listening

As her screams echo through the darkness of the house, still ringing in my ears

She was never the same after you died

Changed

She became a recluse and died alone

Surrounded by her memories

Her tablets and an empty vodka bottle

A dark wood coffin rolling slowly out of sight and into a burning hell

Alone

No one left to love

Your shed torn down like my childhood

Gone now with the scarred earth to forever remind me of that day

Scarred earth where the grass will never grow

Scarred eyes no more tears left to flow