Please Just Cook

Dear Future Man,

I write this not knowing if I will have raised you well enough that you would still listen to me. But if you would, just a few things:

1) Hygiene is important. You do not attract a mate by scent any longer, particularly your own unwashed scent. This is the modern era. Also, shave - studies have shown men's beards contain more harmful bacteria than dog fur. You are not a dog.

2) Nobody cares if you cry - just stop eventually. Get in touch with all the emotions you want, but once you're through that limbic system sit down and look at the situation from a position of reason. Remember your hormones don't fluctuate on a monthly basis while your body writhes in its own bloodletting. Use this potential for good.

3) Learn to live on a deflated ego. The world is not a kind place, even if it is male dominated. Don't expect to be the center of attention, the hero, or even the breadwinner. Instead appreciate the role of a supporting character when necessary. Remember Samwise? Be Samwise.

4) Do not rely on women. If you were a woman, Oprah would say you don't need a man. Women get told that everyday and, statistically speaking, they outlive you. Learn to channel that independency and do for yourself. Vacuum. Wash laundry. Dust. Knit. Whatever gets you out of gendered co-dependency. If you're lonely get a pet, even if it's a cat - just stop at two or you'll be doomed to bachelorhood forever.

5) Please just cook. Obesity and heart disease are rampant, and you're likely going to spend most of your life stressed out and sitting down. While exercise is important you can't outrun your diet. So learn to cook. Stir fry, soup, chili, grilled cheese even. Aim for a dinner plate that's half veggies and half protein with a side of carbs if you can.

If I teach you nothing else in life but this basic survival skill I will die a happy parent.

Live well, my son.