A Version of Myself
It's only May and I can very easily say that in all my life I've never been this stressed out, overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. My mind and thoguhts have wondered, my soul absent from myself, my joy and passion decreasing ever more. Why am I here? What am I doing all this for? What is the point of all this suffering, this heavy emptiness I feel in me everyday. the dread and darkness that consumes my mind.
It's been months and I've had plenty of moments and time to sit and think about the meaning and reason in a lot of what I've been going through. What am I running from? I realised that all this pain is just layer that's keeping me from the real substance that I've always run from, never ready to deal with and that is myself. There's the me that people see and then there's the me that only I know, the me that I hide from everyone--even my closest friends and family and not because I fear their rejection or disapproval, I've expressed other deeper feelings about myself and was met with love and support. The problem was never them, the problem was always me--the absolutely unbreakable crippling fear of truly truly expressing myself is because I fear acknowleding the darkness and negativity I feel towards myself. Telling them means acknowledging it to myself and birnging it into the light, something I've never done.
I can say it in my head as many times as I want but that doesn't hold much meaning, people say things to themselves in their heads all the time but the moment the thought becomes word and it gets heard from the outside in; suddenly there's more weight to it. All this struggle I've been through and still currently am experiencing--the lack of desire to keep going, the frustration, negativity and axiety. All of it having to do with personal life and varsity are showing me a truth I've known but constantly run from--a battle within myself I've been fighting for as long as I can remember--the battle of self love and self esteem.
What am I running from? Something or rather, someone inescapable...
me.