A Version of Myself

It's only May and I can very easily say that in all my life I've never been this stressed out, overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. My mind and thoguhts have wondered, my soul absent from myself, my joy and passion decreasing ever more. Why am I here? What am I doing all this for? What is the point of all this suffering, this heavy emptiness I feel in me everyday. the dread and darkness that consumes my mind.

It's been months and I've had plenty of moments and time to sit and think about the meaning and reason in a lot of what I've been going through. What am I running from? I realised that all this pain is just layer that's keeping me from the real substance that I've always run from, never ready to deal with and that is myself. There's the me that people see and then there's the me that only I know, the me that I hide from everyone--even my closest friends and family and not because I fear their rejection or disapproval, I've expressed other deeper feelings about myself and was met with love and support. The problem was never them, the problem was always me--the absolutely unbreakable crippling fear of truly truly expressing myself is because I fear acknowleding the darkness and negativity I feel towards myself. Telling them means acknowledging it to myself and birnging it into the light, something I've never done.

I can say it in my head as many times as I want but that doesn't hold much meaning, people say things to themselves in their heads all the time but the moment the thought becomes word and it gets heard from the outside in; suddenly there's more weight to it. All this struggle I've been through and still currently am experiencing--the lack of desire to keep going, the frustration, negativity and axiety. All of it having to do with personal life and varsity are showing me a truth I've known but constantly run from--a battle within myself I've been fighting for as long as I can remember--the battle of self love and self esteem.

What am I running from? Something or rather, someone inescapable...

me.

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GoldeNB

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Rain

Rainy, cloudy weather has always been comforting. The sky always looks more interesting blanketed by different shades of grey clouds with different textures. The darker setting completely consuming the light and a heaviness descends the earth when the clouds roll in. Not heavy in a bad way but it just has a stronger presence. The thunder warning, the wind fragrant with the pre-rain scent. The showers drumming and beating down on the earth, a sound so soothing that it numbs me. There's just this presence about the world after it rains. It's as if the rain washed and cleansed it and now it's making its presence more known and noticeable, ot wants its feelings acknowledged. Walking outside and taking in the more picturesque world around me, sparkling and fresh from the fallen rain drops, is an emotional, reflective moment for me where I just take in the moist air and stand in place thinking. This kind of weather is stirring and sensitive-vulnerable-a time to experience and reflect.