When? Why?

Fear. Attachment. Abandonment.

The fear of being abandoned, scared of being attached. That feeling you get when things are going good, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That moment you reach out to grab happiness only to slip, fall, and spiral completely and utterly out of control. It happens so many ways, so many times, to so many people. It could be a parent abandoning you, it could be a spouse, it could be you abandoning your dream out of fear. There is no instruction manual to cope with it. It’s what some would call “the hard truth,” and sadly it doesn’t often end on a good note without forms of help. To some its situations, if you don’t hold control, the fear creeps in pulling along with it anxiety and depression, basically the whole gang. The good and bad news? You aren’t alone. Whether it’s dealing with fear and attachment or having gone through it, there are those who don’t have to go through it. Sometimes we grow attached because we are abused to think no one will want to stay with us the rest of our lives, and sometimes even ourselves don’t want to stay with ourselves. We question often times “why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do good things happen to good people?”

Sometimes when we isolate ourselves we say it’s because we are being abandoned by those around us even though we are oblivious. Even still because of the attachment we get clingy, the fear that drives us drives often apart our relationship. There is no easy cure, no happy pill, there is learning to cope, and trying to get through things in a way we feel safe in. And what’s funny is we usually never feel safe even to ourselves. My opinion in myself is that I’m scared, I have a fear to share because I’ll feel like I’ll bring others down with me. That I could possibly unintentionally cause someone to question things that shouldn’t be questioned, things that could lead to madness. Thus often times even with stigma most of us remain silent masked behind different ways to hide and run from those feelings.

Even things like writing became a deadly weapon of mine whether I wanted it to or not. My poems often macabre or depressive, to the point someone once said during my early writting that I should be careful people would want to kill themselves because of that. It freaked me for life, to the point of self suffocation when the thought comes up that my feelings can’t be shared. When one is abandoned we often seek to fill the roll or feeling that roll that was abandoned left. In itself though it just keeps bringing you further down when you keep cursing yourself to the same repetition. A forced choice, only because the thoughts come whether we want them to or not, but the choice in how we approach it. What’s funny is soon you link into co-dependency to where this person has complete control over you because of your fear.

We have to learn to care for ourselves, to fall out of those repetitions, to step back and assess. You figure out how to do that easily? You tell me how, by all means. I can only wish all of us the best. I can only hope you have a good therapist, psychiatrist, support system, and medications perscribed( yes, this all sucks but to feel “ok,” sometimes costs a lot in a way). It’s not a questions as to when and why but the acceptance that it is occurring and it’s not your fault.