Fear. Attachment. Abandonment.

The fear of being abandoned, scared of being attached. That feeling you get when things are going good, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That moment you reach out to grab happiness only to slip, fall, and spiral completely and utterly out of control. It happens so many ways, so many times, to so many people. It could be a parent abandoning you, it could be a spouse, it could be you abandoning your dream out of fear. There is no instruction manual to cope with it. It’s what some would call “the hard truth,” and sadly it doesn’t often end on a good note without forms of help. To some its situations, if you don’t hold control, the fear creeps in pulling along with it anxiety and depression, basically the whole gang. The good and bad news? You aren’t alone. Whether it’s dealing with fear and attachment or having gone through it, there are those who don’t have to go through it. Sometimes we grow attached because we are abused to think no one will want to stay with us the rest of our lives, and sometimes even ourselves don’t want to stay with ourselves. We question often times “why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do good things happen to good people?”

Sometimes when we isolate ourselves we say it’s because we are being abandoned by those around us even though we are oblivious. Even still because of the attachment we get clingy, the fear that drives us drives often apart our relationship. There is no easy cure, no happy pill, there is learning to cope, and trying to get through things in a way we feel safe in. And what’s funny is we usually never feel safe even to ourselves. My opinion in myself is that I’m scared, I have a fear to share because I’ll feel like I’ll bring others down with me. That I could possibly unintentionally cause someone to question things that shouldn’t be questioned, things that could lead to madness. Thus often times even with stigma most of us remain silent masked behind different ways to hide and run from those feelings.

Even things like writing became a deadly weapon of mine whether I wanted it to or not. My poems often macabre or depressive, to the point someone once said during my early writting that I should be careful people would want to kill themselves because of that. It freaked me for life, to the point of self suffocation when the thought comes up that my feelings can’t be shared. When one is abandoned we often seek to fill the roll or feeling that roll that was abandoned left. In itself though it just keeps bringing you further down when you keep cursing yourself to the same repetition. A forced choice, only because the thoughts come whether we want them to or not, but the choice in how we approach it. What’s funny is soon you link into co-dependency to where this person has complete control over you because of your fear.

We have to learn to care for ourselves, to fall out of those repetitions, to step back and assess. You figure out how to do that easily? You tell me how, by all means. I can only wish all of us the best. I can only hope you have a good therapist, psychiatrist, support system, and medications perscribed( yes, this all sucks but to feel “ok,” sometimes costs a lot in a way). It’s not a questions as to when and why but the acceptance that it is occurring and it’s not your fault.

Upon the pillow stained with tears,

lies the girl pained with fears,

jumps and screams and deathly chills,

sorrow, joy, pain, paved with pills.

She whispers as she slips in sleep

"Where is the true love that I seek?"

no one answers the question she cries,

no one dares attempt to reply.

She questions more as she wipes her eyes,

the pain from all the tears she's cried.

She lies awake restless and alone,

she turns and whines searching for her home.

She longs to feel arms wrapped around her,

she longs to feel loved...

She sleeps in sorrow as tears fall down her cheeks,

she dreams of lies and petty things.

She dreams of what she cannot have,

what cannot be.

She dreams her petty dreams thinking

"Why can't this girl be me?"

She sleeps deeper diving in her lies,

she dreams bigger filling up her eyes.

The tears become unwilling moments tainted,

like her pictures they are just the brush that paints them.

She sleeps past her lies into a sea of broken lives,

she dreams the deepest the dreams that cannot awake.

She dreams the feelings she cannot fake,

the nightmare of the truth.

The truth that love isn't for her,

nor is it for you.

She dreams this dream so deathly pale,

not even tears can any longer wale.

Her face cold from the restless sleep,

for it is death that keeps her weak.

The nearest little song I wrote,

upon it's hanging crippled note.

Nothing there to hold it back,

No show of grace, everything I lack.

But dearest day I cannot say

what is it that I broke...

And the fairest maids do decay

what is it I had wrote?

Falling from my empty mouth

Like a spout my words fall out,

Emptying my lonely being of all my wicked thoughts.

Now, my deepest religion has been sought.

Through prayer, I beacon for peaceful rest,

I hold my prayer to my chest,

no reply, no simple lies,

but now I am dead and have died.

The last thing I question is why, the peaceful rest there I lie.

Upon a crystal ball a tear did fall,

casting it's sorrows and fears.

Wiped away, the girl did say:

"Warily, it can be cleared."

Fortune be told, merrily and bold,

the product of defeat.

Misfortunes and woes and burdens, carried and cold,

dropped near her feet.

Upon the frail, hallow ground,

did she down so deep.

She fell, she cried, tried to hide,

falling upon her knees.

Death took hold, swallowed her whole,

and left her empty soul.

Nothing left, nor words to speak,

the Grim Reaper fufilled his goal.

I have felt hell's flame through my heart and hates rage in my veins.

I have strode with none to pay me glance, as I go through the hall with my head held low. No one sees my pain,through my deep set eyes.

The coldness of the air,the darkness in your glare.

I turn away from the burning sight,the remarks, memories and past delights.

Words as sharp as swords and knives that lead to my unpleasant demise.

The constant bicker between you and I, the lost friendship and love in our eyes.

Like a single rose, dabbed with red.

Shimmering like blood from my head.

Thorns on it's stem, soft like a women's hand.

Though soon it will wither away, everyday a petal will fade.

It's beauty constantly compared, it's thorns obviously aware.

Just like your love for me died that day, just as my heart broke at the words you said...over and over again, it's far far too late.

The rose, finally fully withered away.

Purple skin lies within the wreck of these clothes,

the harsh abuse, the simple use, all no one knows.

The forgotten tears, far gone years, all dead and gone.

No one heard them cry, scream, or die...no, not one.

The body crept over, the dried blood scrubbed,

the corpse now lifeless, the eyes empty like duds.

The water running on the hands, blood seeping in the drain,

thinking over that they are a drunken mess, yet again and again.

Cleaning the body, the broken glass, deep in thought.

Regretting what has happened, later regretting getting caught.

Today on my trip to the store.

It was tons of glitter and clothes galore.

A red silky top and short denim jacket.

Tons of everything just like the catalog packet.

Shoes, jewelry, pants, and shirts.

Socks, scarves, and short jean skirts.

When the night comes into view.

All the jobs are done for seasonal interviews.

All around the stores close.

From Micheal's to Ross, to good ole' Kohls.

The bank accounts emptied out and people put into debt.

The gifts under the tree and all the receipts kept.

No other way to let people say Merry Christmas have a great day.

Without worry people sleep so sound.

As money continues to make the world go round and round.

Placed in emptyness a person set to rest tormented in their hollow grave.

The twitch in the dirt, the blackness of the case, holding them back.

The sound of the insects, worms, and animals, and the corpse they crave.

*Hack, Hack, Hack* someone is trying to break them through, what person in mind would do such a thing, to set the death upon the earth and doubt that it would survive amongst the living.

Pale and hollow, exactly as an empty soul, the person gone past in another direction, walking amongst his old friend and family searching for the person to make a correction. Upon finding them, seeing the person in act once more for the grudge mistakened, grabbed them and killed them where they lay. The corpse having fufilled it's thought of purpose walked away, past the corpse he made and out to return. Following the corpse was the other slumping, sluggishly following seemingly looking for something yearned. Spoken quietly yet hoarse from stranglement the voice did call "why did you kill me, I mourned for you, loved you, and laid you to rest" the corpse stopped and looked back and spoke almost in a drunkards tone unclearly "I was awoken for a reason...to avenge my bodies request." The other spoke now soft yet still, "I never betrayed you, I only was used, just as now am I used to put you to rest, I cannot blame you for my life you take and my breath, but I can love you still past now as we are both dead."

The corpse moved by this motioned to his broken grave, something hollow filling, not of dirt, worms, or revenge, but off his deathly everlasting love finally opened. The other followed and laid themself to rest beside the corpse in wake who embraced and wrapped it's arms around the other while something mysterious or another softly closed it's grave.

"We are almost there"

but my thoughts are in the distance,

lost while I am in mid-sentence,

trying not to remember, trying to deny what I know,

Wishing that you had said yes, it was a lie, instead of your normal "no"

Listening to the lyrics of "A Beautiful Lie"

thinking that they remind me of the lyrics to my life.

"do you want to be different, try to let go of the truth"

thinking even more so, how foolish I am in my youth,

yes, I want to be different, to give up my pain,

I don't want to be the one on the other end again.

Watching the videos that I kept, not able to erase,

just like the memory of you, especially in this case.

Looking at my happiness, one shared so rare,

watching my eyes and then looking away trying not to care.

Can I deny the fact how I felt, can I deny what I wished?

Can I even deny the fact my weakness asked for a last kiss?

I can't, I can't take back the words I have said,

the feelings that I have had, the feeling of the dead.

Hollowness and emptyness all combined into one,

an empty soul by now, where my heart is gone.

Trying to make my own excuses trying to get by,

trying to find a way out, trying to make up lies.

"Everyone's looking at me, I running round in circles baby"

I feel the eyes on my shoulder, the eyes that see right through me,

I try to avoid looking up, looking away, hiding myself trying to seem happy,

trying to show no pain, no regreti, trying not to be me.

Finding things to keep my thoughts occupied but always leading back to you,

trying to figure my life, mistakes, regrets, past, and what wrongs I do.

All for you I say, all for you, but I lie to myself and say for us.

I looked for truth, I tried for lies, I tried for anything, only to be just.

I would be lying to say I have given up, that I am not still hoping,

there is such little chance that I understand that later I will be coping.

Is it wrong to try? Wrong to care, wrong to love, wrong to cry?

Maybe it's wrong in your eyes or mine.

I try to understand, I look to see things from every point, but I must be blind,

is it so good to be inspired to such depressionable forms, this is what I find.

When I look, I look away, or not at all, feeling my heart jump and my breath fail me,

is this how it's suppose to be, is this how you made me?

"We all have a weakness, some of ours are easy to identify"

why must mine be so simple, so seen by others, I don't even have to clarify.

I shudder at the thought that this has happened, that I have had a downfall,

you must know I am weak by now, everytime I tried to call.

"We all have someone that digs in us"

but you dig deep, all the way up to the handle while I make a fuss

when will it be over, when will the digging end and the dirt be repoured?

You must know since you were the one to pull the life support cord.

"Is there a spell that I am under, keeping me from seeing the real thing"

sometimes I wonder, but maybe there is no real thing, it must not mean anything.

Did I mean anything to you, did my words, did my pain?

What did you get from not caring, from not opening up, what was your gain?

"Love sings, when it transcends the bad things"

when will you understand that? When will you be the one to say something?

Never to be the man to forgive a girl her past, though behind her kept to hurt.

Treat the girl as she has been treated before, be like all the rest, treat her as dirt.

"I am not your typical guy"

Ha! That sure was the ultimate lie,

why do I say that, cause that's what you've shown, the sad depressing downside,

what I acutally believed that you were telling the truth deep down inside.

"Fettered and abused, stand naked and accused"

feeling that way as I did before, always in the end feeling the same "used"

held for punishment not by god, but by man,

what is it that makes you so holy, what is it that makes you the better lamb?

"Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good, and it feels like i'm alive"

well, I am alive, so why must I hurt more than before? What must I do to strive?

What must I go through for someone's doubt to finally be appeased?

Must I sit around and beg upon my knees?

"It's only in your head you feel left out, or looked down on"

that's right, it's in my head, but I can be better, life is just a con.

In the end if it does end, I will still feel the same, not the negative way,

but just the way I met you, excited, in love, and that will never change, any day.

"It just takes sometime, everything will be just fine, everything will be alright"

it may not matter to me that in the end things get better, or sight may be seen.

I just had wished that things would have been better, I wish I could relive it,

I don't know if you wish the same or not, but if I asked this favor could you give it?

Do you save me from myself, from my past?

Would you die for me, would make me first rather then last?

Have you showed me what your made of, what is it?

Good looks, brains, strength, everything little thing?

Are you my hero, the one to sweep me off my feet?

Are you my hero, the one to make the finally beat?

Stand before me my hero, be sure to make things right,

set my mind at ease, show me your might.

Pull me from the tragedy, pull me from the loss,

save me from the world, just this once for all costs.

Look at my hero, isn't he the best, better than the rest?

Has he saved you yet? My sweet hero, save the world,

I won't be jealous because I will always be here as your girl.