Slaughtering Sacred Cows and Waiting For One Last “Don’t Come Home”

“Rule #1 of life. Do what makes YOU happy.” “The biggest failure you can have in life is making the mistake of never trying at all.” “Don't put your life on hold so you can dwell of the unfairness of past hurts.” Blah, blah, blah. That's not to say these quotes are completely vapid, just that they're ineffective when you're not in the business of understanding yourself. “But! Self-love!!!” Shut up. Stupid.

Self-love. What the fuck does that even mean? That by actually sleeping and deciding to eat and taking a shower means I give a shit? Well how about doing that two or three times, and then remembering that all I do is eat, shit, and sleep, and launching myself out the window in the morning. I can't get over it. Humans are so fucking weird. And I mean that sincerely. My mom thought that was all I needed as a kid, so she was shocked and maybe horrified when I told her that I wished the only person I had a full conversation with (my aunt) was my mother.

Last night was the one year anniversary of me cooking dinner for the house by myself. Not that I have any idea what I'm doing — because despite what you might think, watching Youtube videos about how to prepare dinner doesn't give you any confidence when you're “not a picky eater,” but your audience is. On top of that, they're not vocal about their opinions. Until after I've served it to them.

Am I picky??? Do I even know what that means? I guess that would require having an opinion, but “nobody asked” me.

Maybe I'm being a little restentful. Hell, maybe I'm angry. These are problems that didn't even occur to me because I've been too busy dealing with issues of authority. Thanks dad, for making me friends with my trauma, when I'd rather be an ass-backwards hood rat screaming “fuck the free world,” than live well fed in your jail cell. I was waiting for you to tell me “don't come home,” one last time, but I recently read you shouldn't put your life on hold for anyone.