The elixir of eternal life

They’ve finally done it! The awe and pure joy of every adult sweeps across the earth with the speed of light in a vacuum. Social media platforms crash, phones cease functioning because of the immediate reaction to the news: Scientists have finally discovered the oft-sought after elixir of eternal life wrapped in a candy-coating of eternal youth. No one will grow old and die again. (You still have to exercise and eat right. They said live not live lazy.) And, of course, if you are already old, well, you will live eternally with the wisdom granted you. If you are presently sick, you’ll just stay sick forever. If you have cancer, the cancer will continue to live along with you. And, if you are dead, you’re out of luck. This is not an elixir of resurrection. Scientists are not God, for goodness sake.

The only catch, of course, is that you can’t just take it once. It’s like a vitamin: two tablets a day. Forever. (The lucky patent holder has visions of wealth for the rest of his eternal life.) Buyers are cautioned to only take the pills if they have reached at least the age of 21 and are in good health. That ensures, according to the developers, that your body has finished its growth and you are at the peak of your physical development. Perfect eternal life partnered with eternal youth. (Seriously, who would want to be eternally a child or an adolescent anyway?) Store owners have been quietly warned that they must only sell to adults 21 and over and that they should check IDs vigilantly. No exceptions. Parents are advised to keep the pills out of reach of their children under 21. Results may not be as desired for those under 21.

Quickly, stores are overrun with customers. The pills are available at the nearest Walmart (worldwide) and several local vitamin supply stores. More remote locations aren’t quite as lucky; but, most of them have not heard the news either. Or, they ignore it as another one of those good-for-nothing schemes thought up by the likes of the inventor of pet rocks and invisible dogs or snake oil salesmen. Fools, they say as they spit in the dirt or kickback to watch another Survivor marathon.

The pills are not available online, so, within a few days, there are riots breaking out in various places because supplies are severely limited. People fight over the last few bottles on shelves. Others begin to drive – bike or run – long distances to find more and hoard what they find. (Not realizing, at first, that each bottle has a short life-span – 30 days.) Some with more means attempt to fly to different worldwide locations to stock up, but are discouraged with the warning that different geographic areas require varying ingredients to be effective. Something to do with the water…

The manufacturers have ensured that selectlocations receive more supplies than others. Moreover, these same stores are replenished quickly and efficiently, unlike in certain, let us say, less desirable locales. I mean, c’mon, they murmur across the board table, do we really want everyone to live forever? Eye brows raise, condescending sniff and silent albeit vigorous shakes of the head. Certainly not.

Within weeks, there is a limit of one bottle per customer and a black market arises for the pills. There are some arrests, but the evidence always disappears and the culprits are released. There is soon a swift and steady business in the prisons…except among the lifers. They may be dangerous, but they’re not stupid. I mean really, why extend life imprisonment longer than the expected 70 or 80 years?

Suddenly, every Monday – the global date of delivery – shelves are emptied almost before customers enter stores because a few well-placed individuals offer exorbitant amounts to store owners and even the consortium of pharmaceutical companies to get first access. They supply long lists of friends and relatives who will each only receive one bottle. Of course. In reality, they sell some on the black market; some they give to their family and friends. But, ask yourself, aren’t these the types we want living forever? Ambitious sorts, the fittest of Darwin’s survivors who’ve already demonstrated the ability to come out on top?

Within months, what was previously a mere socioeconomic gap separating the wealthy 10% from the rest, is now also characterized by those who have the greatest access to the miracle pill. Those in the ‘less desirable’ locations deal mostly on the black market and find the pills they can get are generally already outdated. They take them anyway in the hopes they will have some effect.

Within a year, the world population decreases by more than half. It appears that the outdated pills actually have a reverse effect, aging those who take them with such speed they leave home one day a certain age, and if they make it home, they arrive looking like a walking cadaver. Within weeks, if that long, they are shriveled lifeless corpses. The streets come to stink with death as the dead outnumber the living. Eventually, whole towns and cities are bombed or set afire in order to, well, bury the dead.

As for those lucky few with the “good pills,” when they take them without knowing there is an illness inside of them, they are doomed to live with it eternally. As time passes, it is discovered that the illness follows its natural course but does not lead to death. Simply horrifying results. The number of suicides sky-rockets. On the other hand, if they stop taking the pills, they continue aging, but whatever illness they have living within them defies all medical treatment. And thus, death comes knocking a little sooner than expected.

As the number of deaths increase, birth rates fall dramatically, for on the bottle label it states that pregnant women should not take the pill. They should have whatever children they desire, have their tubes tied, and then begin their eternal life at that time. There is no explanation as to why. However, the reason is soon evident. Women who take the pills when pregnant have a particularly disastrous outcome: They don’t age, but neither does the fetus within them. They either stay pregnant forever or have the fetus removed – which will lead to felony charges. If they stop taking the pill upon discovering the problem, the fetus grows at an unnatural rate, often bursting forth from the mother’s belly within hours (if not sooner), the size of a three-year-old, killing the mother due to blood loss (or catastrophic fear. I mean, a baby claws its way out of your stomach and you live?) Once they breathe oxygen, any observers have drawn back in horror as they watch the newborn fast forward through the phases of life before expiring, an ancient-looking mass of wrinkled flesh, lying in the blood of the young mother.

Within 5 years, the only ones who have not passed on to the eternal life they sought to avoid, are those who lived in remote locations without access to the miracle pill. Gradually, they send out emissaries to the nearest cities, countries, big islands, to ascertain what happened to their television programming.