Thinking to Myself.

I ran. Far away. I could not help it and stay there any longer, but I also could not get out no matter how hard I tried. I was envious at myself and others around me, but for no reason. They did not know that I was even running. Perhaps it was because it is a constant race with myself and my thoughts. I wanted to win, but how can you escape your own thoughts? You are the one that creates them, right?

I did not know whether the lonely feeling would ever go away. Is it the loneliness that made me feel alone and keeps me running? Ironically enough, no one ever asks how I felt, even though I am constantly surrounded by people. Sometimes it was when I was present with the most people that I felt the most alone, because what I have come to discover is loneliness sets in when the people who are supposed to make you happy to be alive don’t appreciate who you are inside. That’s what kept me running. Away from them, or away from who I really was because they don’t know who I am and if they did know I would only be more lonely. How could they ever even know, or be aware if I don’t speak up? Am I in the wrong for it, or am i just letting my thoughts shout at me? “Stop yelling”, I tell myself, but I can not seem to lower the voice in my head because I can’t run away. There is no running from myself, that is who I am. Then, why am I so alone still?

Coming to my senses, I started to pick up the idea of opening up to others, maybe not all at once, but slowly reveal my true self. It had to be this way. I couldn’t keep running anymore, I was out of breathe. Not physically, but emotionally I felt I could not speak lies anymore, my heart paced and then opened. Opened in despair to feel myself in the goodness of being true to myself in a sense. Yet, when can I stop running? That answer lies from within. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the last day there is for me. There is no estimated distance I will run, it will terminate when I feel content with who I am. Not for how I come across to others, but when I am happy with myself.

I seemingly am not there yet, and will not be for quite some time. However, I can breathe again. The breath I am able to take has brought me down to a jog, willing to finish, but also capable of achieving, something I could not think of before, being exhausted in my mind. As I learn to breathe again I don’t feel completely alone, only alone with my thoughts. They’re beginning to become accepting though, or maybe that is myself becoming accepting of myself. That’s the growth I begin to see after I start to slow down. Simply slowing down in running from myself, because your thoughts help define who you are, and what makes up you. How can you run from yourself? You’re the only person who completely and fully understands you. So instead of running away, I stopped and turned around. I ran to my thoughts, and with them. They had a pretty good sense of where I wanted to go.