Fireworks, right?

oh, not you...

that's awkward.

Well I guess you don't love them

but you say you do.

I'm confused.

Love is not the same for everyone.

Not for me.

Not for you.

Not now or later.

But then how will you know

Silly question

you know

you will

feel it.

Oh, not yet still?

... then maybe you don't know

not yet at least,

are you looking?

No.

Stop searching.

It does not want to be found,

but it will

find you

soon.

We sat there playing for hours on end, listening to the rain fill up the gutter and run out onto the grass. I played mentally, and physically, it was a demanding game. At the same, I was also being played. They were being played. The things around us were our game. The emotions we had and our mental state was our piece in the mental game, but that was only half. The other parts came from the physical demanding aspects, not how fit one was, rather how fit they were within society. How does one fit? That is part of it as well. It does not matter if you are physically the best, because when no one is watching how do you think about yourself? Are you worthy? Yes, but is that what you tell yourself? Maybe. Yet, if you tell yourself that you are enough, are you presenting that to other people?

The name is in the game. That game that we are playing is the game of life. Whether or not you know what you're doing or destined to do has no factor on how and when you make it out in the world. Patience is a virture. Chase your dreams. Both meanings are attacking the game, but both are contradicting each other. So is it really up to the paths that we choose, or do we have to wait for the paths to choose us? That is just the name of the game, the game of life.

When playing think about what to play for. Can you even decide what you want to play for if you have no idea of your outcomes? That's what makes it a game. Your self perception and the way you present yourself to others does not account for your outcomes, but are so important to play it. Without a piece you simply can't move down the board. However, at the beginning that's what most people's favorite part is, picking their piece. It usually is something that interests them, but also notice how no one's game piece is the same, because you cannot move down the board with someone else's piece. You have to have your own. You have to play the game. Yet, is the game playing you?

I write to aid my body in coping with the situations life thows at me. I write because it puts my mind at rest, after a hectic day. I write because I can close the pain away onto a little notebook or laptop, and shut it away whenever I choose.

My last post was written at a time when I felt alone, needless to say whether I still feel the same way or not. However, my last post inspired me to re-evaluate myself and the groups I am surrounded with. I realized that you do not have to be alone to feel alone. In fact, sometimes the biggest sense of lonliness comes when around the most people. My inspiration was to try and break free, and even get out a little from the burden that seemed like I placed it upon myself. Writing my thoughts down inspired me to attack the problem and uncover my true emotions on whether or not I was alone to feel lonely.

Maybe not everyday I write about something inspirational or with a purpose, or even something at all. However, my last post inspired me to be a little bigger.

I ran. Far away. I could not help it and stay there any longer, but I also could not get out no matter how hard I tried. I was envious at myself and others around me, but for no reason. They did not know that I was even running. Perhaps it was because it is a constant race with myself and my thoughts. I wanted to win, but how can you escape your own thoughts? You are the one that creates them, right?

I did not know whether the lonely feeling would ever go away. Is it the loneliness that made me feel alone and keeps me running? Ironically enough, no one ever asks how I felt, even though I am constantly surrounded by people. Sometimes it was when I was present with the most people that I felt the most alone, because what I have come to discover is loneliness sets in when the people who are supposed to make you happy to be alive don’t appreciate who you are inside. That’s what kept me running. Away from them, or away from who I really was because they don’t know who I am and if they did know I would only be more lonely. How could they ever even know, or be aware if I don’t speak up? Am I in the wrong for it, or am i just letting my thoughts shout at me? “Stop yelling”, I tell myself, but I can not seem to lower the voice in my head because I can’t run away. There is no running from myself, that is who I am. Then, why am I so alone still?

Coming to my senses, I started to pick up the idea of opening up to others, maybe not all at once, but slowly reveal my true self. It had to be this way. I couldn’t keep running anymore, I was out of breathe. Not physically, but emotionally I felt I could not speak lies anymore, my heart paced and then opened. Opened in despair to feel myself in the goodness of being true to myself in a sense. Yet, when can I stop running? That answer lies from within. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the last day there is for me. There is no estimated distance I will run, it will terminate when I feel content with who I am. Not for how I come across to others, but when I am happy with myself.

I seemingly am not there yet, and will not be for quite some time. However, I can breathe again. The breath I am able to take has brought me down to a jog, willing to finish, but also capable of achieving, something I could not think of before, being exhausted in my mind. As I learn to breathe again I don’t feel completely alone, only alone with my thoughts. They’re beginning to become accepting though, or maybe that is myself becoming accepting of myself. That’s the growth I begin to see after I start to slow down. Simply slowing down in running from myself, because your thoughts help define who you are, and what makes up you. How can you run from yourself? You’re the only person who completely and fully understands you. So instead of running away, I stopped and turned around. I ran to my thoughts, and with them. They had a pretty good sense of where I wanted to go.