After Him

The spring before I graduated college, I had my heart broken. Shattered. He was my everything and I thought I meant something to him until his post mortem of "We didn't have a relationship, we only went out on a few dates." How could I ever trust myself again knowing that I meant nothing to somebody who was so important to me? I did not want to get back in the dating world and went out with others, halfheartedly with no expectations.

One day I was hanging out with friends and one of them said hello to somebody she knew. For the first time in a long time, I felt a spark when our eyes met. We did not say much to each other that day but there were covert glances and timid smiles to each other. The other friend I was with gave me a knowing grin, "I think somebody likes you!" That confirmed that his interest wasn't just my imagination.

Over the next few months, there were more chance meetings, bashful conversations, and tentative flirtation. My heart quickened every time I saw him and he invaded my thoughts the way nobody had in years. It gave me hope. I was capable of feeling again.

He was a shy as I was and had his own uncertainties to deal with. I helped orchestrate a meeting when our mutual friend turned 30 and I planned the party. I made sure that his name was on the guest list. The evening seemed to go as I hoped. He even said, "Why don't we go out sometime?" My heart quickened as I wrote down my number on a napkin.

Yet, it was a few more frustrating months of radio silence and a little push from a mutual friend and a conversation with his brother before he finally asked me out. I was gleeful. We were finally going to go out and it would be wonderful.

The date itsself was unremarkable. He requested I meet him at a Chinese restaurant in between our homes. The conversation was pretty basic, about our families, careers, etc. When the bill came he looked at me and said, "You pay the tip." The spell was broken. He liked me but not enough to pick me up at my house or treat me to a meal. He treated our date more like a business transaction. In that moment, the crush was over but I will always be grateful for it. My fledgling feelings gave me the strength to move on and show me that I was capable of putting myself out there again.