Repeat as Needed

First, you need a friend. New friend, old friend, whichever. Just make sure they're someone who takes a long time to respond to text messages. They need to have a reputation for not responding or ghosting people either by mistake, their deliberate nature, absent-mindedness, or some combination of those factors. This strategy is most effective if your friend cares about your plight against hiccups.

Second, turn your phone to max volume. By the way, you need a phone. That unreliable friend of yours also needs a phone.

Third (don't skip this step because it's important), text your friend and let them know that you have a terrible, dirty-rotten, life-ruining case of the hiccups.

Fourth, you need to be lucky. If you aren't lucky, this whole plan falls to pieces. If you're lucky enough to be lucky, your unreliable friend will text back immediately, shocking the world, setting off your phone at max volume before you could even put it down, and startling you enough that your hiccups jump right out of your life in surprise, leaving you in peace.

Fifth, thank your friend for replying. It doesn't even matter what they texted you--all that matters is that they defied their nature and saved you. Showing gratitude will keep the friendship alive, and you need friends. Without friends, what would you do next time you caught the hiccups?