"You need a dragonfly, first of all."

A dragonfly? How could that help my hiccups?

"Then," Grandma said, "a sunflower that's exactly 14 days old. You set that on fire and drop in a 3-inch string from the first piece of clothing your great-great-great aunt ever wore, along with one centimeter of the dragonfly's left wing."

What on earth would that do? This cure was getting more ridiculous by the minute.

"Then, at precisely 3:52:17 P.M., pet a miniature dachsund three times. Then spin around, pour lemonade on your head, and jump into the nearest body of water."

Okay, none of this made any sense.

"Grandma," I said, "how in the world will this help my hiccups?"

"Because," Grandma said, a twinkle in her eye, "by the time you've finished, your hiccups will be gone!"

I may have a few of these old wives' tales mixed up (I'm not the first man to mix up old wives' tails!)

I think if you stand upside down in a bucket of water

drinking...er...a glass of water that should work.

And also jump out from behind a curtain and scare a ghost...erm or something like that.

I know a teacher who, when a child had hiccups, would wait a moment and then sternly call them forward in front of the class.

Inaviably, the child either went red or drained to white, fearful that they had done something wrong. When they got to the front the teacher would ask if the child knew why they had been called forward.

Obviously they did not.

"I just wanted to cure your hiccups for you," smiled the teacher.

It worked every time, too... or so they say!

Hold your breath.

Jumpscare.

Drink a ton like you don't care.

Something sour.

Something sweet.

Something spicy's good to eat.

Yell real loud.

Handstand.

Spin around as fast you can.

Try cold.

Try heat.

Or wait it out.

That works for me.

Ever tried the eye-watering onions to stop the non-stop hic-cup?

No? Then you should..

Since I was a kid.. My parents discovered that I am a victim to these intensely painful quacking..

You know what's more amazing? I start a fit of hiccups if I am laughing too hard- think of it in the middle of a class joke!

I tried gulping down bottles of water, holding my breath for two, three, four minutes.. Didn't help.

My mother , one day found this magazine with the cure for hiccup in it. It said "Chew a piece of onion. You will feel at ease within minutes.."

Well. I tried it the next time and okay.. I got the results. The hiccups stopped!

I have been told that I have the loudest most obnoxious hiccups anyone has ever heard. Similar to that irritating loud beep from a smoke alarm in need of new batteries my hiccups are impossible to ignore. Drinking water, holding my breath, or swallowing a tablespoon of sugar, have all been repeatedly and firmly suggested with no results. Not only do my hiccups have unusually high volume but they return periodically throughout the day. Working in a fish bowl of an office with six other payroll clerks would make a case of the hiccups a group challenge to be resolved. No one could concentrate or even talk on the phone as I sounded like I may need the Heimlich maneuver every 20 seconds. It probably did not help that after each annoying interruption that erupted from my lungs I would chuckle and apologize. One day during a frustrating chronic case of hiccups the office manager asked me as nicely as she could to just go home. I was dismissed due to hiccups which solved the problem for all my co-workers.

First, you need a friend. New friend, old friend, whichever. Just make sure they're someone who takes a long time to respond to text messages. They need to have a reputation for not responding or ghosting people either by mistake, their deliberate nature, absent-mindedness, or some combination of those factors. This strategy is most effective if your friend cares about your plight against hiccups.

Second, turn your phone to max volume. By the way, you need a phone. That unreliable friend of yours also needs a phone.

Third (don't skip this step because it's important), text your friend and let them know that you have a terrible, dirty-rotten, life-ruining case of the hiccups.

Fourth, you need to be lucky. If you aren't lucky, this whole plan falls to pieces. If you're lucky enough to be lucky, your unreliable friend will text back immediately, shocking the world, setting off your phone at max volume before you could even put it down, and startling you enough that your hiccups jump right out of your life in surprise, leaving you in peace.

Fifth, thank your friend for replying. It doesn't even matter what they texted you--all that matters is that they defied their nature and saved you. Showing gratitude will keep the friendship alive, and you need friends. Without friends, what would you do next time you caught the hiccups?

Wriggle the ringlet around. Feel it in your spine top, right under the brain. Bug your eye balls out.

Knead the tongue you need, and never ever swallow it, or drop it. Pick it up, shit! Go on, ping pong it back into your mouth. Now, mix snot down with spit, swallow it. Wriggle the ringlet around.

Where are the hiccups now?