Your life depends on reading this article.

A wave of ambiguous conceptual robberies has been making its way across America. In Maryland, one home owner reported their prized Virtue went missing over the holiday weekend. Several victims have come forward in Mississipi as well, pointing to the theft of Liberty outside of New Orleanes.

Meanwhile, out in California, a group of eye witnesses had their Integrity striped from them. No clear suspects could have been identified. One described the burglar as a tall and exotic looking female, while another claimed it was a plump, middleaged male. Still another claimed to have seen the two together fleeing the scene.

The list continues, with the theft of Innocence, Dreams, Conviction and perhaps the most disturbing, Hearts. It remains unclear if these thefts are from one individual or a group. Law enforcement officials are certain there is a connection between this string of crimes. Though no suspects have been named, the police have issued the following statement:

"To our concern citizenry, we implore you to to overreact and allow fear to rule your lives. This will put you on guard so you can't be taken advantage of any further. While passively waiting for these harrowing times to subside, please stay indoors. Your safest course of action is to binge watch Netflix and compulsively shop on Amazon. It is important to remember at times like these, no one, not even friends and family, are to trustworthy. That is the only way you can stay safe. Thank you."

We will keep you up to date with the latest minute by minute coverage, with the same horrific details repeated in various fashions to reenforce this message of fear. Remember, all our competitors will tell you nothing but lies, we are the only moral news outlet left.

*Editor Update - Even the media is safe from this epidemic, our once taughted Morality has vanished without a trace. More details to follow.