A wave of ambiguous conceptual robberies has been making its way across America. In Maryland, one home owner reported their prized Virtue went missing over the holiday weekend. Several victims have come forward in Mississipi as well, pointing to the theft of Liberty outside of New Orleanes.

Meanwhile, out in California, a group of eye witnesses had their Integrity striped from them. No clear suspects could have been identified. One described the burglar as a tall and exotic looking female, while another claimed it was a plump, middleaged male. Still another claimed to have seen the two together fleeing the scene.

The list continues, with the theft of Innocence, Dreams, Conviction and perhaps the most disturbing, Hearts. It remains unclear if these thefts are from one individual or a group. Law enforcement officials are certain there is a connection between this string of crimes. Though no suspects have been named, the police have issued the following statement:

"To our concern citizenry, we implore you to to overreact and allow fear to rule your lives. This will put you on guard so you can't be taken advantage of any further. While passively waiting for these harrowing times to subside, please stay indoors. Your safest course of action is to binge watch Netflix and compulsively shop on Amazon. It is important to remember at times like these, no one, not even friends and family, are to trustworthy. That is the only way you can stay safe. Thank you."

We will keep you up to date with the latest minute by minute coverage, with the same horrific details repeated in various fashions to reenforce this message of fear. Remember, all our competitors will tell you nothing but lies, we are the only moral news outlet left.

*Editor Update - Even the media is safe from this epidemic, our once taughted Morality has vanished without a trace. More details to follow.

On Friday, November 15th at approximately 10:30 PM, city police officers were called out to a residence at 724 Observatory Hill Road in Pittsburgh’s Springhill neighborhood.

The call was placed by a concerned neighbor who chose to not be identified. He explained to Officer Caldwell, who was first to arrived on the scene that there was a history of domestic violence in the home, occupied by a young couple.

Shortly thereafter, Officer Matson arrived to assist Caldwell, and that’s when the officers went to check out the situation. After several knocks went unanswered, the two officers proceeded to kick in the door and found the couple lying on the floor in their own blood.

The female was identified as twenty-four year old Adrianna Rodriguez, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds to her chest and stomach. The suspect, identified as twenty-eight year old Tyler Moore, the victims boyfriend of two years, who suffered one gunshot wound to the head. According to the Allegheny County Coroner’s Office, the homicide was reported a murder/suicide.

Once we contacted family members in reference to this brutal case, we were informed that the couple’s relationship had been toxifying from the time it began two years prior. The victims mother, Elisabeth Mendez briefly explained that Moore was an immensely jealous individual with a history of violence. Mendez urged her daughter to end the relationship, as she feared for her life. Her exact words were “This is the day I’ve been dreading for a long time.”

The suspect’s father refused to speak with us when we visited his Hayworth Township residence this morning, however, we located his sister, Melissa Moore and she explained to us that her brother had anger issues from a young age. She also told us that Moore had been involved in the criminal justice system since he was fourteen.

On Saturday 16 of November, Harold the Three-Toed Sloth escaped from San Fransisco Zoo. The guards state they have no idea how the sloth got out. They were watching the monkeys because, well, the monkeys always escape, but the sloth was the master of escapede now. Harold has been with the zoo for about 7 years, but he is 10 years old, turning 11 on Wednesday 20 of November. Harold, although we have just noticed, has actually been inching towards the exit for 3 of the 7 years the zoo has housed him. Experts question the sloth's behavior. They say he is very fond of the habitat, the food, and Belinda the other Three-Toed Sloth. Harold's actions continue to amaze zoologists and certified experts. If you have any intel about Harold's escape, please contact the San Fransisco Zoo. Our contact numbers are on our website.

Now, some of you may be wondering how a sloth could go unnoticed. We have checked everywhere within a mile of the place, which is how far a sloth could go in the time. And we are certain he has not been kidnapped because the security feed shows Harold picking the lock and slipping out. Again, if you have any information regarding Harry's escape, please don't hesitate to call or email. WE NEED HAROLD!

The king’s coronation speech promised to regain all territories lost to the British Empire during the war. After months of debate and denials, his Majesty’s government, in spite of public opinion, has finally bowed to his constant badgering to approve said request.

As the armed forces are currently in no state to engage in large conflicts, the government has entered a new stage of bargaining and debates as to how this may proceed. Current speculation indicates that it is likely to spark a new round of conscription, last seen in 1963. If this occurs, all men over the age of eighteen will be issued with call up papers and ordered to their nearest recruitment office.

The editor would like at this point to express his extreme opposition to such idiocy. Every man of education in this nation knows that the country has neither the population nor the wealth to maintain an extended campaign at this point in time and is unlikely to for many years to come. It is my opinion that this will be the ruination of this country resulting not in the recapture of lost colonies but the loss of any we have remaining to us.”

One of these stories is true.

Someone must live.

Someone must die.

Story 1:

A 32-year-old man in Townsend, NC was arrested today for violently assaulting and kidnapping a 5-year-old girl near the elementary school. The man was pulled over for a traffic violation when law enforcement heard a child's cry coming from his trunk. Searching the vehicle, the little girl was rescued from the back of the vehicle and rushed to the hospital for medical attention and was reunited with her distraught mother. Law enforcement also found a bloody tire iron, a bag of heroin, and a small glitter backpack. The man aggressively denied any connection to the crime saying that he was only trying to "free her from Satan." The perpetrator has been arrested and will stand trial on Wednesday.

Story 2:

A 28-year old mother in Townsend, NC called police dispatch to report her missing 5-year-old daughter. Witnesses reported seeing a gentleman speaking to a little girl fitting the description of the missing child. The child was covered in blood and seemed to be running away from home. Searching the home, police found multiple empty bags and drug paraphenalia. The mother was arrested under the suspicion of abuse against her daughter. The gentleman in question was found when the gentleman dropped off the little girl at a nearby police department. She is now recieving medical care.