True Story

**I don’t like disclaimers, but this oddity was written specifically to be read aloud. So as you read it, just picture yourself in front of a crowded room and at various points, which i hope are obvious, you lock eyes with different audience members and point at them.

Swear to god this is a true story.

Picture, like, the hottest woman you’ve ever seen-

like Natalie Portman in Black Swan

like Angelina Jolie in Gia

like a young Carrie Fisher in her slave Leia outfit

like any porn star you’ve jerked it to, honestly, any porn star

and there’s this woman, she’s standing bare-assed naked in front of me

swaying her hips slowly and making all these other women

look like Sloth from the Goonies, “Hey You Guuuys.”

Her hair, I just want to run my hands through it, messy it up,

yank it tight the way a jockey grips the reins when he’s about to come

in first place at the Kentucky Derby.

Bend her over, make her my Kentucky Derby.

Her hair, I shit you not, it looks just like yours.

Her eyes, I swear to god, in her eyes I could see the sunrise,

the sunset, the Aurora Borealis, the Perseid meteor shower,

and a lesbian orgy on the beach in Cabo during Spring Break.

Honestly, if I couldn’t fuck her brains out,

just staring into her eyes would’ve been a great consolation prize.

As a matter of fact, you and her have the same eyes.

Her smile, sweet Jesus, I wanted it.

I don’t just mean I wanted her lips wrapped around my penis.

I mean, her smile was enough to run to Kay Jewelers or Aaron Brothers

or wherever the fuck you go to get a bitch a ring.

I wanted to love her the way police bullets love black bodies.

Believe it or not, her smile was exactly like yours.

And her tits, do I have to mention they’re the best pair I’ve ever seen?

God probably even patted himself on the back for those.

Of course, I haven’t seen yours yet…

I swear to god, she smelled like a waffle

and I don’t mean that cheap instant toaster shit,

I mean like home-made batter poured into a waffle iron,

topped with gobs of butter and expensive, top-shelf Vermont Maple

and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be horny or hungry;

but either way, I want to dive right in.

Don’t give me that look, breakfast is my favorite meal.

So she takes her finger, brushes it against my lips,

and I would’ve sucked the Universe out of that finger,

but her touch is like gossamer.

She slowly dances her finger lower,

pauses at my chest, probably wanting to swirl it in some chest hair

but I don’t have any–this is probably confusing to her.

When she trails lower toward my belly button, it tickles

but in a good way, the way it tickles when you slide your finger into

the envelope that holds your Christmas bonus.

This woman is such a tease and I can’t help but think I should tie her up

and go down on her like a bulldog eating peanut butter.

She’s not even touching my cock yet and already I want to blow my load.

I’m afraid I just might when she finally gets there.

Her touch still so soft, so gentle, so delicate

like the extra-absorbency tissues I jerk off into…

FUCK!

It all makes sense now.

I’ve fallen asleep after masturbating again.

See, I read this article about the benefits of ejaculation before bed

so these days I’m finding every excuse to take a nap.

Only imagine my surprise when I open my eyes.

I wasn’t imagining that delicate tickling sensation.

Sitting proudly atop my erect penis

like a fucking prince charming ready to take down the dragon

is the biggest, meanest, ugliest, blackest black widow I’ve ever seen in my life.

I swear to god, we do something like lock eyes, I’m frozen in terror

and I shake my head furiously but the fucker bites me, anyway;

I scream that like poor sap Aron Rolston; only

it’s my balls that get caught underneath the boulder.

I smack the shit out of that black widow.

But it’s too late.

And now, after all the venom

and the swelling and the oozing

and the scabbing,

well, my penis isn’t as pretty as it used to be.

I wouldn’t, but others might even use the words

“ugly” and “deformed”.

To be honest, it breaks my heart.

And no fuckin’ kidding, now, my penis, well,

it looks just like you.