Monday Rush

I spent my thirty minute lunch period arguing with my friend about his decision to give a teddy bear to a random person on Valentine’s Day. This oddly irked me, I have known him for a few months now and I realized he has a tendency to be a nice person. Nice to me is a poison, an evil, it is something that is waiting to be corrupted, you cannot simply be nice without wanting something. It is a mode of being that is followed by resentment. Though he never seemed to show any signs of being resentful, if anything he seems to be quite resilient for someone who is nice. Just a couple months ago he asked a girl out and was immediately rejected, he managed to walk out the situation well and alive, it took him a while to return to his regular happy state but he did it. His niceness to me is foreign. He is a forward person that does not seem to be phased by the troubles lying ahead . He has a ‘tomorrow is not guaranteed’ mindset that is abhorrent to me. He is the polar opposite of me, and it is like I am in a purgatory when I am near the little optimist. Every optimistic shadow he casts over me makes me burn faster and hotter , as if I was a campfire consuming a forest, yet I remained there considering his words.

I had pointed out to him that doing nice things will not always play out the way he wants, that at some point he will hit a wall where he can no longer stay in place and hope that his good deeds will rapture him.

He then mentioned that people will always be there to help and if not then he will find a way to solve the problem when it arrives.

But why have so much faith in the world? Why not prepare for the possibility of the worst? Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. This argument was not so much about his decision to give a teddy bear, but my concern that he would end up like I am currently.

I am a ball of hate, a bastard with knives awaiting every competitor.

I have a flame inside of me that defies nature

I thought that he would end up making mistake after mistake, and end up hating everyone for it. The aftermath of this argument brought me to ask several questions.

1)Why do I constantly attempt to change my friends? 2) Is planning for the future a bad thing? 3) What makes me destructive?

These questions made me dig deeper into my past friendships.

Every friendship that I have had is similar to this new one, it is a mess of confrontations and a repetitive malaise. It begins with someone coming up to talk to me, after a couple of months we just hang out in silence or make a few jokes, after years of this I drift apart realizing that I never knew the person at all. I try to change them, and control them. I treat them like soldiers and send them to do my bidding. It is months of crawling through toxic sludge that mutates me into a horrid creature. I become an utter asshole to them.

I’ve realized this trend occurring in my current friendship, my past friendships have slowly disappeared, or at least I think so. All I know is that I have a problem with people, and I need help, but I do not know how to get it. At times I think I am bi-polar, or even have borderline personality disorder, but I cannot state this as fact. I just know that thinking back at my past relationships I have been a ticking time bomb waiting for the right place and time to ruin everything and everyone around me. Just as this essay is a mess, so am I.

Thank You.