my worst enemy

I’m confused.

I feel happy but I’m sad. I feel peaceful but distressed. What is this? Who am I? Why am I here? I didn’t deserve this.

I can see the people staring at me, I’m not blind. Well, maybe that’s not true. I was blind to all the chances life gave to me. I always walked right past them. Not because I didn’t notice them, but because I couldn’t see them for what they really were: opportunities. To turn my life around, to ask for help, to be the person I’ve always dreamed of becoming. All these opportunities faded away because of one enemy.

This enemy. Even thinking about him sends shivers down my spine. I’m disgusted by him, I hate him. He ruined me and everything I stand for. I was always a happy kid, always grateful but he absolutely destroyed me. I tried to fight him, of course I did. But I always lost all my battles. He took away my family and friends. My job and my passion. My purpose and happiness. He took everything.

Now I realise,

all I ever wanted was him to go away. And now he will.

Because all this time, he was always -

me.