Lonely

Admitting that loneliness haunts me is like asking me to be naked in public. I survive off likes from witty Facebook statuses and the “ping!” when I get a new message. On the outside, I’m fine. I am a funny, amazing, and kind young woman who is starting to find her place in society. People generally like me and don’t hesitate to tell me when I’m feeling down.

Offline, like many others, I am isolated. The more time I spend alone, the more I realize just how codependent I am. I need approval. I need to feel validated and welcome in a space. I don’t have confidence in my abilities. I often abandon projects that I have just started because no one liked the status enough on Facebook.

I have a craving to be well-liked and admired. One of my favorite hobbies is to put on my headphones, lock the door and pretend that I am a pop star. I’ve always wanted to experience the rush of performing in a two-hour concert. This deep desire probably manifested itself into the theatre degree that I told myself was for ministry in 2015.

Whether I like it or not, I am codependent.

I lose myself in the desire to be valued by others. I’ll do anything to build myself a community in which I feel like the star, or at least important enough to feel secure in any friendship or relationship I have. I often question my rank of importance to people. As a child, I had to prove to other children that I was good enough to be friends with. If anyone needed anything, I would give it to them. My toys, food, or money; it didn't matter because I was rewarded with the coveted title of "Friend".

Now, I find myself lusting after unhealthy relationships just because the people in it aren't alone. These types of relationships are obsessive and stifling. Yet, the people in them are wanted and are rarely rejected. It seems like a better trade-off than triple texting someone hoping that one of the things you said is worthy of responding to. An unhealthy relationship seems ideal when you can ask for sex and have it readily available instead of going back to PornHub and wishing I was one of the girls getting lovingly pleasured by a partner I'm convinced I'll never have.

Settling seems ideal.

I don't have a better ending to this. In fact, I wouldn't want to tie this up neatly in a bow. Today, I am lonely. And it sucks.