Sexual Infatuations

Some nights, you get the feeling of loneliness, of the silence of night take your breath away like million moments in life do.

And then you jerk off to something and the night wouldn't matter anymore.

But it is that weird cycle of masturbation that I have come upon the realization of my infatuations, of what I long for sexual interactions with. For most nights I would prefer to stay up late and work on whatever needed work, but on some nights I get the "flash" of an image. Not a holy image but a human one. Someone I long to see again.

It may have been a consequence of interaction of the lack thereof but the longer I bathe within the silence of the coming nights the longer I seek for forgiveness in other means. The start of a euphoric desire, the longing in one's heart, the moon that lit us both into the same world. Desires like these can remain oppressed however as the nights went by, oppression does not mean the end of such desire.

By days when I take my quiet hours back I glance at a portrait of a person I admire, not of a person I love; I kept to myself to never use these people as initiation of sexual desire, to keep these people free from the dangers of my mind and the temptation that comes with it. And for months, maybe years, I have succeeded in my accomplishment. I was able to contain my emotions whilst participating in every interaction that would give me the chance of romance.

But like the moon, it's light brings dangers and temptation. Like a werewolf which longs for the night light, the light of the moon shone upon the idea, the fantasy, of such thoughts and I succumbed to it. Like euphoria, the temptation was satisfying and encouraging. The passion which was brought along with the idea of sex has awaken by the mere suggestion of the other: the person whom I have longed for a long time.

Yet like all things that give life, it also brought death. As the time passed by, I realized I am more dependent on sexualizing him, dependent on using him, treating him as a sex object, something to satisfy oneself but not the other. This was not love, it was lust. The dangers of the temptations have pierced my thoughts and now has driven me mad with passion. I kept fighting against it, but every time the night came to its silent intermission the thoughts came upon me like water from the waterfall, always flowing and never stopping. It was then I knew, I was doing something horribly wrong to myself.

Thus, I came upon my realizations during the morning, where the night can't steal my thoughts away from me. I came to realized my vice in love, that everything that has happened, bore from mere infatuation and only has manifested itself as the lust we known today. It was dangerous. The promise to keep these people away from the dangers of my mind have now been violated by the same person imposing them. A hypocrite in terms of everything love stands for.

Therefore, when the moon returned to me once more I came not with thoughts of the idea of sex but rather the longing of the person of interest. I return myself to the concepts which made me infatuated with these people in the first place. Thus, I release my temptation one last time and delivered it to the moon where the thoughts will never entertain me again.

However, my vice comes from making it into a cycle, for anyone I fall infatuated with has now fallen the same trap in my mind that I wish not repeat again. All over again for how many men I have fallen again in that deep well of fantasizing our mere romance as something more, as something more. As long as the moon hovers it's temptation over me in it's long and silent nights, the cycling of falling in love and falling out of love will continue, sexual or not. My promise of keeping them away from the dangers of my mind have not wavered as time passed by however these temptations will no longer affect me as much as the mere start of the sexual infatuations that have brought me pain and torture in the long and silent nights.