With truth comes anger

Two decades. That is twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! I am trying to understand why for four of those years you lied to me. You made me believe that he was the issue. Do you know how hurtful that is? Granted, I didn't really perfer him to begin with, but that is beside the point.

I once thought we would be the best of friends and now as the words strafe from my fingers I wonder if I could see through the truth again. I am angry, I am furious and not with myself. How was I to know you were hurting when you didn't tell me for FOUR YEARS? I thought I did something wrong before I went on deployment and came back and you still refused to talk to me. You left me wondering what I had done to find out that you held onto this anger for FOUR YEARS!

Look we all have anxiety, but at what point do you give up and let the anxiety stop you from being honest? That isn't healthy, that is actually really bad! I don't like confrontation either and I was trying to find the way to tell you. Good thing I have a good relationship with your mom and I hate loose ends. Would you have said anything or just let this mysterious feud boil over until we never spoke again? I think you would have chosen the latter.

Yeah, the military changed me. It has made me see that confrontation sucks, but it needs to happen. It has made me really become passionate in some ways, I want my voice heard; but that doesn't mean I meant to silence yours. Gosh darn I can't remember what I did yesterday let alone four years ago. I am sorry for what I said, but you should have told me then! WE WERE FREAKING BEST FRIENDS! WE COULD HAVE WORKED THROUGH IT THOGETHER!

I am hurt becauese, for the first time in my life I see one of my friends as a coward. I hate the word, I hate it and I see it. You chose to use your anxiety as a scapegoat instead of talking and I am hurt. You didn't see that our friendship of sixteen years at the time meant anything. I was there for you when the attacks started, I would check in every day or as much as I could. And I come back from a life changing experience and you don't tell me I am different, in your opinion a bad way. How the crap was I going to change then? Did you think it would eventually get better? When there is a break in a pipe line you don't just watch it grow as it creates more problems, you fix it then or when you get the chance. You don't wait four years when the mess is now out of control because at that rate the damage is done.

You said we don't have a lot in common anymore, I disagree. You said we are adults so it's harder to hang out, I disagree. You insulted me by not valuing our friendship and make me now question if it is worth staying friends.

Just because I am angry now doesn't mean I hate you. I accept your changes do you accept mine? Can you let go of four years of built up anger and anxiety toward me? You were used to that, it was your new normal. Can you accept my apology for my unknown actions and consequences? Because I am having trouble accepting what you told me; give me time and I will. I never hated you for stopping our friendship and avoiding me, yeah it annoyed me because it felt like I was putting in effort to talk not knowing there was a giant wall.

But how was I to see that our friendship bond was broken when you kept yours hidden in the shadows?