To tear every weakness from the body, there are no words to describe. What I want to be, I can’t achieve, yet, but slowly I will push the fear from within into power I can’t even imagine.

What sacrifice are you willing to put out to change how you are? Can you handle looking pathetic in the wandering eyes around you? The struggle to hold yourself to a schedule. To give 100%, everyday, don’t quit! I will become stronger, you better fear that.

What can I say, would you even believe it? I can tell you the feeling of holding someone while their last breath leaves their body, but I can't tell you what he felt. I lived a long life, but I can't tell you how to make it through unscathed. I know what it's like to taste danger, but I can't figure out where that part of me went. Did it ever exist? I don't know. Can I ever find my innocent self again? Probably not, but who knows.

It’s the next day, I should be asleep. But how do you sleep when you’re afraid to relax?

I quit a toxic environment for my mental health. Now a month later, I’m back in the same boat, but this time it’s me Vs my mind.

Someone told to take pills, fight off the depression; yeah let’s experiment with chemicals on an already tortured mind, sounds really safe.

No one checks in on me, hey how ya feeling? Would I tell them the truth? Hey I’m sinking into a dark place, slowly, but I’m making it there. You can’t tell people that, they’ll either say you’re being over dramatic or over react and call the squads that haul you away and experiment. Maybe it’s a good thing then no one checks in then.

How do you sleep when your brain says you’re a piece of crap? I mean, I know I’m not, but what if it’s right? What if my life really doesn’t mean anything? Scary thought, I know it’s not true, but right now, I feel like a waste of space.

I see a job I like, nope, don’t have the degree, don’t have the experience, don’t have the courage to even try knowing I won’t get it!

And to top it off, you’re afraid to trust again, because the person you trusted lied! And the worst part, I’m not even angry about that, I’m used to it. But dang it hurts. I hate the pain, Yoda was right. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering; and boy am I suffering.

I wish I had the courage to do drugs, I wish I had the courage to punch the wall till my hands bled, I wish I had the courage to decide how and when, but I don’t.

I let the fear of pain, the fear of jail, the fear of running someone’s life stop me.

And then the comments will say you’re brave, you’re okay, it takes guts to say this. I’m not okay, I struggle every day hoping that my life will come together, hoping I don’t accidentally hurt someone, hoping today will be the day a friend, a real friend texts me and asks “ARE YOU OKAY?”

It won’t happen, so I’ll try and get sleep because I start my day in 6 hours now. To pretend to be happy, to hide The tears, hide the anger. I’ll listen to my music and keeping asking God if he can hear me.

Don’t worry, I’m okay.

The different sounds can send me to the places with no name

Into the wild

Through the woods

Around the mist

Laying in the sun

With a slight breeze

The smell of memories

Good

Bad

Real

Imaginary

The tones end

Voice in the distance

Slide off the ear muffs

"Why is your music so loud?"

"Why did you join?"

"I love my country! I love helping people. I love being able to protect my family and friends."

"But it stresses you out."

"Yeah, because there are idiots that keep getting promoted and don't know how to tell if it's raining, while it's raining!"

"Do you consider yourself a murderer?"

"No, I haven't killed anymore. In fact, I almost got a medal for saving someone's life. I didn't want it, I tried to fight it. It was really nothing. They gave me a ribbon instead. So now I have a bronze oak leaf."

"So you re-enlisted?"

"Yep, I want to make sure soldiers don't have the same crappy leadership I had. I want to make sure they have someone to talk to."

"An example?"

"Yeah, this soldier was scared he was going to be trapped at the bottom of a long hill because of snow. He convinced himself that moving his car was going to be best. I reminded him that our orders were to stay put (I was in charge btw). He was getting himself all worked up because our leadership had not returned. I walked him through the pros and cons and he decided he should move his car. So I walked with him back in the barracks and told him I would watch him drive away, incase he crashed, I wanted to make sure he would be safe and I would be there for him."

"Did he do it? Move is car?"

"He was halfway there when I told him leadership was coming back. I was telling him the whole time to do what he thought was the right thing, but to really think it through. He stopped, calmed down, and smiled seeing the vehicles approaching. Then he realized the roads were not that bad. He realized that the decision he was about to make was wrong and thanked me for talking it out with him. I smiled as he walked back into barracks."

"You were going to let him do something potentially bad, against orders?"

"Yes. He is an adult. Sometimes people just need to talk stuff out or just start what they think is correct. I hate micromanage. He just needed to work it out in his head."

"What stuff happened to you earlier in your career?"

"I almost had an NCO sexual assault me, but I got out of the situation. Since he didn't touch me and he was drunk, I didn't report it...some regret, but I was new. I had an NCO tell me God wanted my friend to kill himself. I had another one almost drive to suicide after he harassed me all weekend and called me a liar. I learned how not to lead people, I have seen and experienced what happens with toxic leadership. I refuse to be that!"

"So what now?"

"Now? I shoot for twenty years. I get in better shape. I make sure I help those above me and become the example for those below me. Now, I learn everyday to become better."

"Thank you for your sacrifice."

"You're welcome, thanks for the support"

Welcome back old friend. I honestly didn't miss you and wish you would fade again. But as I sit here, I can feel your devilish desire creep into my mind.

I know you felt my stress, heard my longing to chase my dream. The dream that, let's be real, will always stay a dream. I picked the course of life I am on and acting/directing will stay a dream. But the longing to do that dream pulls me down every day. Gosh I would give a week off work to be in an acting gig. I would love to learn to direct, but my commitments at home....

I haven't missed your dark words. Old friend please haunt the dead, leave me alone. 'Would I be better off dead' you ask? Maybe, but there are roles and people that depend on me. It's selfish to do it, so I don't, but the urge today scares me. You won't win, I pray you won't win. It's just stress, so much stress I want to explode. I don't eat, I don't talk about it. What do you say? 'Hey! I am having dark thoughts, are you able to hear about it?' No, can't do that. Everyone has stress right now.

So friend, I'll just right, hold my scream in, bite the tongue, clench my fist and mentally punch the wall. Think about texting friends, but not actually do it. Put on a happy face when the parents come by. Then back to work, I love it, I swear, I just...I just want to work outside on a ranch sometimes. I want to work out my issues, give my mind a break.

Old friend I am wearing a uniform not a lot wear, I bear a rank that gave me hope I could train others. I am not a coward in this uniform, but I could be considered one since I can't pull the trigger myself and I can't ask another to do it.

Please old friend, go back to the shadow where I left you, purposely. Go back to the cold corner of my soul. Stop trying to drag me into the hole with no way out, I promise my grip on the side will hold me longer, then your grip on my mind.

"What about peanut butter?" The knight asked as he leaned against a bale of hay. He sucked on a blueberry candy cane and waited for a response. His tired eyelids slowly fell over his blue eyes and his head nodded until it smacked into the his helmet which sat upon his chest.

"Why...would I..." The man rubbed his temples with his left pointer and thumb and pushed his lips together. "name my horse....Peanut Butter?" He asked regrettingly.

The knight smiled and looked at his friend, whose head was in his hands now.

"Well." He began. "Peanut butter, sticks to things as well as makes a mess. Now your horse, he always finds his head stuck in a bucket. When he isn't doing that, he destroys anything he is around. Dean is still in the hospital with a broken leg, your horse is the reason! Also, peanut butter either tastes good or it doesn't. Your horse, nice ride, until it get's a cat attitude and hates the world!"

"This is the worst conversation we have had yet Phil!"

"Think of me like Dr. Phil, this is an intervention. Let's talk about it! What happened in your childhood, that made you hate peanut butter?" Phil laughed so hard he almost choked on the candy cane.

"I will hurt you." Eric threw a red towel at his friend as he walked away. He pushed through the stable doors and stared at the last stall on the left. The window was popped out and he saw a brown face staring at him. A snort resonated from the stall and the face disappeared. Eric grunted back and walked through another set of doors to the locker room. He pulled his knight outfit off and sat in his compression shorts soaking his feet.

A thud brought Eric to a upright sitting position. He grabbed a T-shirt and moseyed his way toward the sound of the thudding. He poked his head out of the locker door and looked around.

"Phil!" He yelled. Eric saw his horse, out of his stall kicking a locker door. The horse looked up at the call of Phil's name. The horse snorted and turned toward Eric.

"Fireball." Eric said in a trembling voice. The tall, black animal took a step forward with one of his white stockings legs. He threw his head in the air and shook his white hair side to side. "Fireball, back in your stall." Eric stated more forcefully. They both stared at each other until a bucket flew from behind them. Both of them looked to the bucket then from where it came from. Eric smiled. His horse, the idiot brown haired horse was nodding its' head up and down smiling. Eric took the distraction to run into Fireball's stall. The horse followed suit, snorting and jumping. Eric slid out and closed the stall door, locking it as well. He ran to the locker door and opened it.

Phil stood paralyzed against the metal locker door backing. His eyes twitched and his nostrils flared.

"I just needed to feed him." He stated dryly. Eric grabbed his friend's shoulder and smiled.

"You just got saved by Peanut Butter!" He laughed. Phil's face broke into a smile.

"We have the craziest horses, buddy!"

They were 18 to 64

Boys made into men

Men made into boys

They were brothers, fighting together

Amongst the trees, besides the embers

Beneath the smoke, beyond the fires

They did their job, they held the line

The helicopter came, the first bunch left

No one said anything, it wasn't abnormal

Who would have guessed, what happened next?

They were 18 to 64

Boys made into men

Men made into boys

The second bunch, their luck ran out

The helicopter, it clipped the trees

It hit the ground, rolled down the hill

Into the boulder, the boulder moved

The crew they screamed, they moaned and groaned

The cabin filled with smoke, the fire exploded

Nine now dead, four somehow alive

They couldn't escape, they could only die

Mothers weeped, wives cried

Fathers sat in silence, everyone wondered why

Two pilots, seven firefighters

Who would have guessed, what happened next?

They were 18 to 64

Once men, now nine coffins

They became, the Iron 44

No more men, no more boys

The company, knew they were wrong

Flew the helicopters, for the money

Forged the documents, hid and lied

Jail time, but only a short time

Hold the memories, celebrate the birthdays

Walk the path, hold true to their beliefs

A cousin of mine, just 21

Supposed to on the vacation, didn't want to leave his brothers

Hold the memories, celebrate the birthdays

Remember the day, August 5th 2008

Talk to him everyday, ask him for help

And that is why, he, they are no longer dead