RIP

And so it begins, the dread of knowing that you changed my life.

To know that I am terrified to have a close friend again.

So with people I like, I am mean to them.

Not that I mean to be, but it's my form of "friendship" now.

I mourn our loss of friendship like a death.

It pains me every day, knowing that you blame me for all of your issues.

That you can take no accountability, why would it be your fault?

It has to be everyone around you!

I had issues when I came back home, I am mature, now, to see that.

I was there when you needed me.

I was there when you realized you had anxiety.

I was there when you lost you dog.

I was there when you graduated, I was in the stands cheering.

I was there when you found your first and only boyfriend.

I was there for your birthdays, Christmas', celebrations, sadness.

And when I asked for help, you turned you back on me.

You let that anxiety tell you "no".

You refused to answer me when I reached out for a friend.

You let your boyfriend twist your mind.

You allowed outside opinions to break a twenty year friendship.

You choose to lie to your "best friend" for four years instead of talking it out because you didn't want to loose a friendship.

Guess what.

I gave you space like you asked and you complained about it.

I apologized for things I didn't even do and for the small things I didn't know I did.

You cried.

I think you apologized....but you didn't mean it.

I nearly killed myself and you will never know.

You won't know how much I needed you then.

I was lost and you didn't care.

You felt better because you finally told me how you felt.

It's easier to put your issues on other people instead of facing them right?

I faced my issues, I face them every day.

Me and God.

Because He is the only friend I really have.

You used to know that.

And so it begins, the realization that I am terrified of trusting people.

I am terrified that I will lose a friend that way again.

I am terrified that I will depend on someone that chooses to lie instead of talking it out.

I am terrified that I can't trust people anymore.

I don't blame you for the last one.

That is years of people in my life showing me being an adult is rough.

Looks like I will have to work on more issues.

Friendships.

Trust.

I won't have another friendship like ours again.

I miss you.